When you're "done", ...then what?

[Cristyjade30]

Having done everything except GRS I have found myself wondering about this; i could see it looming on my horizon. You see, I've never had a "normal" life and now I do. I am really kind of unsure how to live it, since I have 50+ years of living the wrong life and dealing with dysphoria. That life was my "normal" life for *so* long, complete with it's coping strategies, unhappiness, and disappointments. It's all I know how to do.

I have been set free and am not quite sure what to do with my freedom now.

I have wondered and maybe its kept me from starting my transition but, the thought of what comes after kinda just hit me when I seen it, my whole life has been how do I become the woman I was meant to be??? I never thought of what happens if I achieve it. Deep, really deep.... the reason I quoted you is you said50+ years? Liar 30 maybe lol, wow you look a lot a lot younger, I hope I age like you you look great

[Natalie]

I had no emptiness, but rather, gratification. No more abnormal cellular mass affixed to my crotch leeching happiness from my life. For me it was happiness filled with relief. No more man tumor to stare at...no more nasty flap of disgust to touch. Having goals is great, but allowing goals to give your life meaning is a whole other psychological issue all together and seems more like a fixation in order to alleviate other negative "feelings" one may have. Maybe the relief of SRS has reduced your stigma consciousness and you are unsure how to deal with it.

[Susan522]

I'm a little over 3 months post-op and recently got my civil identity change which means that even my birth certificate is modified to indicate that I am female. With this, I can say that my transition is completely finished and as others already said, life goes on. In my own case, I am very busy setting up my own business which is designed to keep me working for as long as possible, probably until I'm hitting seventy if I continue to enjoy the good health I have enjoyed up until now. I'm also writing a book so between one thing and another, the days are flying by.

As it happens, apart from pre-surgery anxiety (lot's of it)   GRS was not that big a deal for me. I never saw it as a life changer (unlike FFS which definitely was a life changing experience for me), just as something that finally made sense given that I was very comfortable finally living as a woman. Happily, after a totally trouble free recovery, I can say that I really love the extra personal comfort/confidence that comes from having a totally female appearance, amply justifying the investment.

Otherwise, I've always considered that transitioning as "an end in itself" was a very dangerous pursuit because life is not just about gender. Life is also very much about relationships with others, work, leisure activities etc.. and all of these need to be considered when making a decision to transition because once it is done, that's what you're back to, hopefully in a better place than before. My own transition came at a considerable cost on the professional front (but even that might still work out for the best...) but I have gained massively on the relationships side, especially with other women.

End of the day though, you are back to life "as usual" just presenting to the world more at peace with yourself. However, all things else being equal, that should position you to get more out of your post-transition existence than if you hadn't transitioned...

Well said.  Agreed.

[Eva Marie]

I have wondered and maybe its kept me from starting my transition but, the thought of what comes after kinda just hit me when I seen it, my whole life has been how do I become the woman I was meant to be??? I never thought of what happens if I achieve it. Deep, really deep.... the reason I quoted you is you said50+ years? Liar 30 maybe lol, wow you look a lot a lot younger, I hope I age like you you look great

Thanks!

Yes, I started my transition at 50 and I'm about to turn 52 now. Once you've "arrived" you are at "normal" and that may take some getting used to. My everyday dysphoria is gone except for occasional triggers that cause it to happen, and living without everyday dysphoria is awesome!

[Carrie Liz]

I believe this clip from a certain Disney movie might speak to a few people:



Go find a new dream!

[awilliams1701]

I'm pre-op, but my therapist encouraged me to not make being transgender interchangeable with who I am. Thanks to her I'm just a girl that is living her life. Being trans is actually only a small part of that. Being trans consists of taking pills currently once a day and twice a day starting on Monday. It also means occasionally dealing with gender dysphoria which has already been reduced thanks to the fact that I don't get "excited" as easily. I don't think that will change much after SRS. On one hand the gender dysphoria should be gone completely (hopefully), but on the other hand now you have to dilate every day for the rest of your life reminding you every day that yes you're still trans. I'm hoping that dilating will eventually just be a normal part of my life and other than that I'm just like every other girl out there.

[PinkCloud]

Otherwise, I've always considered that transitioning as "an end in itself" was a very dangerous pursuit because life is not just about gender. Life is also very much about relationships with others, work, leisure activities etc.. and all of these need to be considered when making a decision to transition because once it is done, that's what you're back to, hopefully in a better place than before.

It doesn't feel like I am in a better position or place. 

I lost pretty much everything in my life: work, friends and family. I am completely alone. Now that I am done, I cannot even celebrate with anyone and have no one to share it with. I think I am starting to lose the plot.

[Susan522]

It doesn't feel like I am in a better position or place. 

I lost pretty much everything in my life: work, friends and family. I am completely alone. Now that I am done, I cannot even celebrate with anyone and have no one to share it with. I think I am starting to lose the plot.

This is a serious note.  I will try to be gentle.  What was, the "plot"?   What were your expectations, regarding work, friends and family?  What were your expectations for your life post transition; post SRS.

I can only assume, (not always such a good thing, assumptions), that you went over these questions with your 'therapist'(?) at some length.  I often wonder just how often these questions are glossed over in an effort to be 'supportive'.

[Devlyn]

It's an expression.   

http://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/lose_the_plot

[PinkCloud]

This is a serious note.  I will try to be gentle.  What was, the "plot"?   What were your expectations, regarding work, friends and family?  What were your expectations for your life post transition; post SRS.

I can only assume, (not always such a good thing, assumptions), that you went over these questions with your 'therapist'(?) at some length.  I often wonder just how often these questions are glossed over in an effort to be 'supportive'.

I am not sure anymore... I lost it. 

I know that my expectations were too high. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible. Maybe I was afraid of the truth that I never could be seen as a cis woman, at best, a kind of cardboard cutout, only being treated as one in a superficial and aloof, detached way.

My therapist? Well, that didn't went so well. I ended up suing her for mistreating me and pushing me into suicide.  currently have no therapist anymore, and since my already fragile trust of other people, it won't be likely I will find a new one.

[Zumbagirl]

I know I was not like you when I finally was done with surgery. I was thinking thank goodness it's all over. Here's the thing though. Finishing everything is not a let down, it's just the start of a new beginning and the end of an old chapter in your life. Okay so you're done, or as done as you want to be. Get out there and live a life now. Go experience life in your new sex and and really learn what you have been missing. Put yourself outside of your own comfort zone and test how far you are willing to go. I tried a lot of things when I transitioned. First I went all girly girl. It was all pink this and pink that. Then I finally had my surgery and suddenly none of that mattered anymore. I don't know, I just know I changed. I settled in to where I was happy. But I still like doing things, traveling, meeting new people, doing exciting things. But eventually life catches up and things settle down to a nice normal level.

I'm not a bar person or a night club person. I don't like those places. Heck I don't even like drinking. I find just as much happiness in a good night in cuddled up in the blankets with the huskies as I could from some exotic place. But that's me and that's my life now. It's quiet, boring but makes me happy

[Susan522]

always knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible

OK.......So I am hoping that others will weigh in here because as I said at the outset, this is a serious and too real and seemingly prevalent situation.  It is as I am often a bit strident about saying, all too real.  So now the question becomes how to deal with this current reality.  The first and the best thing IMHO is to acknowledge and clearly understand that reality.  Fortunately, that seems to have already been done.

The next thing, I think would be to identify those things that by their absence are most critical and crucial to moving on.  For example in the case of life, water, oxygen, sustenance and shelter, would be considered critical needs.  Beyond that again, IMHO, comes human warmth and companionship, a feeling of self worth and self appreciation and....a sense of purpose.

As in the OP,  When you're "done", ...then what?"  Just what are your plans, hopes dreams.... for the rest of your life? Step II...Just how will I go about realizing those plans, hopes dreams....

Hope this helps.

[Donna Elvira]

I am not sure anymore... I lost it. 

I know that my expectations were too high. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I would never be taken like a cis woman. Maybe it is self preservation through self-deceit that I thought it would be possible. Maybe I was afraid of the truth that I never could be seen as a cis woman, at best, a kind of cardboard cutout, only being treated as one in a superficial and aloof, detached way.

My therapist? Well, that didn't went so well. I ended up suing her for mistreating me and pushing me into suicide.  currently have no therapist anymore, and since my already fragile trust of other people, it won't be likely I will find a new one.

Picking up on what Susan522 said, I will weigh in here as several things in the above post caught my attention. First, I am curious to know why, apart from not being able to have babies, you say you could never be taken like a cis woman. No two cis women have the exact same life experience so what do you think is going to be so different about your life as a woman compared to others?

I'm a lot older than you, 57, am a little over 6' tall and yet, for people who never knew me before, I am a woman. This is so true that in meetings etc. I am noticing more and more that the guys who are present always think what they have to say is by definition more important than anything I might have to say and I have to fight much harder than before to make myself heard    

The second thing that caught my attention was your fragile trust of other people, which BTW, I got to experience first hand when you got home from your surgery. I suspect that the consequences of this may go a lot further than you imagine, maybe explaining some of the issues you have encountered ("loss of work, friends and family").

Going forward, I think this is something you would be will advised to address as our ability to connect with others is the foundation on which a happy and fullfilling life is built. As you said yourself, a lot of the emptiness you seem to be feeling comes from being alone but to avoid being alone, you have to reach out and take some risks.

The good news is that there are plenty of people out there who will take the outstretched hand, at least in my experience, which BTW also includes some very nasty knocks. That's life, you live and learn, but if you believe in yourself at all, then you have no reason not to believe in other people too. Something to consider as you wonder where to take it from here and, if you have no one right now with whom you can really talk, I think it might be worth your while to try and find a new therapist.
Wishing you all the very best!
Donna

[PinkCloud]

I don't really have plans or dreams. Just existing seems to consume all of my time already. Emotionally I am completely flat. Last month two family members died. I didn't even care. I don't care if someone dies, it just doesn't hit me at all, no matter who it is. It is just who I am, it is my personality. I tried to change that, but failed doing so. Seen therapists, psychologists, read hundreds of self-help books, and nothing changed me. I just cannot seem to connect to others. I do not know how. So I guess I do it to myself.

[Cristyjade30]

I don't really have plans or dreams. Just existing seems to consume all of my time already. Emotionally I am completely flat. Last month two family members died. I didn't even care. I don't care if someone dies, it just doesn't hit me at all, no matter who it is. It is just who I am, it is my personality. I tried to change that, but failed doing so. Seen therapists, psychologists, read hundreds of self-help books, and nothing changed me. I just cannot seem to connect to others. I do not know how. So I guess I do it to myself.

I don't know how people just let loved ones go just because of little things, in reality of it being a good person had nothing to do with the way you look, how well you pass, the fact that you are trying to feel, reading self help books, seeing therapist, or were, says that you do feel, you are acknowledging the loss of emotion but acknowledging the loss means you still have it, maybe there are things in the way of feeling, my therapist explained to me that trangender people often times do things to survive, we adapt, we find ways to shut out pain,to survive, it seems like your still in that mindset, I don't know if you are in transition or have transitioned I think its the latter, but I really hope you can find happiness. I don't know you but I love you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE... I know it a forum and people can be anything on the internet, but I care about other people, cant help it. Just stay strong and please by all means if you need to talk message me.

[PinkCloud]

my therapist explained to me that trangender people often times do things to survive, we adapt, we find ways to shut out pain,to survive, it seems like your still in that mindset.

Yes. This makes sense. I think I am doing that sometimes, just block it from reaching me, because of all the pain I experienced before...

[Cristyjade30]

   I hope you can be happy, I am thinking of getting a psychology degree and changing careers so I can help transgender people.
I am self educated and have a collection of books that literally could take a good span of good sized room. I am a nerd
what can I say.... But I read and listen to people on facebook, youtube, and this forum and my heart aches for them. I know
its a hard existence but don't give up. Something I read in the Bible got me, this to shall pass... It was simple yet profound,
nothing ever stays the same. I don't know if your Christian, I am but I will never push my beliefs on anyone.  I believe
God puts us through trial and tribulations for a reason, maybe we learn and grow as people from them. What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger. Remember that. Find the people that you deserve. Don't settle for fair weather friends. If they cant stick
around for the tough times you don't need them. We all deserve better from the company we keep. Best of luck and remember
message me if you need a ear.

[jojoglowe]

I'm still only halfway there (name change and gender marker <1month away!) but I can only imagine the feeling is similar to after graduating.

I graduated highschool, and thought I'd be done with boring school, college would be like Animal House. Well, it was like Animal House, but it still was a lot of boring schoolwork and homework.

I graduated college and thought I'd find a job that made me happy and made for easy livin'. NOPE! More being broke (technically more broke with loans) and working lame jobs...

So, after those "great achievements" I just did what I do any other day: try to capitalize on opportunities, avoid risks, and have a good time.

Since then, I've paid off my loans, traveled the world, bought a house and had many deeply meaningful relationships. I'm now doing service work for very very little money, and it feels great! My family, friends, and neighbors (the good ones) are what I live for. My sister has a 5 month baby boy, and I can't wait to smother him with love, as well as help out by doing some free babysitting.

I am still transitioning, slowly ($), but it's ok. I feel like I've got transition on the back burner. Perhaps I already understand that finally getting "the surgery," while it will be a very awesome thing, is just a small detail in my life.

When I'm finished transitioning, if I haven't already, I would like to address a few other things about me:

I don't dance enough (too self-conscious)
I've stopped creating art and music
I don't give enough of myself/ I need to do more
More exercise
More traveling!
I need to make my lifestyle more sustainable (sorta contradicts with traveling  )

I've got my list ready to go

Besides "problems" that I want to tackle in this life, I also have many different hobbies, or things that make me happy that I can do. Like teaching, or making art or music, I can do these all day, everyday, and share it with others... and it makes me happy!

I think the ultimate thing in my life will be adopting a child. I have long had a feeling that I would like to adopt and raise a child. Being a parent is a lifelong thing and a rewarding experience. It is probably the most effective way that I can make this world a better place.

[Susan522]

I think the ultimate thing in my life will be adopting a child. I have long had a feeling that I would like to adopt and raise a child. Being a parent is a lifelong thing and a rewarding experience. It is probably the most effective way that I can make this world a better place.

Hmmm....Yes, children.  This is the one thing that I missed in my life.  But I will not derail this thread going in that direction, beyond saying that there are ways to mitigate that loss.

On the matter of the emotional void that has been alluded to, I might suggest a seemingly trite solution:  get a dog.  In my life, I have  had the privilege of having been loved by three wonderful dogs.  I can say without qualification, that with the exception of my current husband, my dog, who passed many years ago, was the best friend I have ever had.  Besides the unconditional love and companionship, a dog will give you a reason to get out of the house and walk and go to interesting places.  You will also encounter other dog owners, many of whom can be pretty interesting people.

Just a thought.

[warmbody28]

when your done then your done. you can move on and just enjoy your life