Afraid of therapy

[jasellebelle]

Im afraid if I start therapy then I will go down a path I fear even more...which is deciding to transition. It seems like anyone who goes ends up getting on hormones.

Is this because people already decided to get on hormones and go through a therapist to get a clinical approval for the hormones? Or is it that the therapy opens people up to realize thats what they want?

Either way, I am afraid to talk to a therapist about my true feelings : (

[Deborah]

Some of us go to therapy already decided.  But not everyone. 

If you are in conflict you should go just to be able to know yourself.  Once you are at peace with who you are you can then make a decision  how to proceed based upon your own life's circumstances.  The therapist can help with that.

One thing that is nearly 100% certain is that it's not simply going to go away



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[Ms Grace]

There are plenty of people who go to a therapist and decide not to transition. Some get to the point of starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and then realise it is not for them. Some continue to take low dosage HRT but not transition as the low dose is enough to quell their dysphoria and they are happy. If you have this fear that therapy will lead to you transitioning then I think you really should discuss that from session number one.

I should add there are many who went to a therapist thinking that they never would or could transition who are living much happier, more fulfilled lives because they did transition.

[jasellebelle]

Some of us go to therapy already decided.  But not everyone. 

If you are in conflict you should go just to be able to know yourself.  Once you are at peace with who you are you can then make a decision  how to proceed based upon your own life's circumstances.  The therapist can help with that.

One thing that is nearly 100% certain is that it's not simply going to go away



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I think thats the part I am afraid of. As if I am able to delay going, I delay the process and continue fighting the wave of urges I have....sigh 

[orangejuice]

Hi jasebelle,

I'm pretty much in the same position as you with regards to therapy. I've been twice now and I didn't go in thinking I want any particular outcome from it. I just knew I had to talk to someone about how I was feeling. At first I felt so uncomfortable with the idea of going because on the surface it seemed like a gender therapist was somewhere people who are convinced that they want to change their gender go. I felt like I wouldn't 'fit in' seeing a gender therapist. But reading around this site even just a bit I've realised that is not the case for many. Going to therapy doesn't mean you have to do anything. But the one thing you do have to do is talk about your true feelings. If its any help before I considered therapy I thought there was no way I'd ever be able to tell anyone about how I feel. I couldn't be further from that type of person. But I did it. And it helps. If you decide to go I hope it helps for you too. I'm sure it will. Anyway I totally sympathize with how you're feeling.

[Ms Grace]

If fighting the urges are making you sad, depressed, frustrated what harm could it so to talk to someone. There is no rule you have to transition, it is 100% your choice. But a counsellor may help give you insights and coping mechanisms.

[jasellebelle]

I always hear you cant reverse any hrt changes. So some people take enough just to calm the urges but have not physical changes??

If I could morph into a man or woman any time I wanted, I would be happy 

Everyone here is right, I should go talk to someone. Just talking on here so far is helping me out a lot. I think my problem is its almost as if I already know if I go then I will transition. Or maybe I am just being paranoid. Either way, I think it probably is wise to get this off my chest to a professional. I did have a psychologist offer to treat me, but is not a gender therapist. She said she doesnt feel it should preclude her from being able to help me since she is not a gender therapist and never treated this before.idk

[Brenda E]

The therapist isn't going to force you to do anything you don't want to do, nor go down any path you don't feel comfortable exploring.

Sure, for many of us, we go into therapy to start the transitioning process.  But some (me included) go in hoping that we're just depressed or confused and that at the end of the day we'll leave therapy "normal" and the trans feelings will have disappeared.  (Yeah, right...)

The worst thing you can do is avoid therapy.  You have thoughts and feelings that are clearly bothering you, so it can't hurt to talk about them.  As others have mentioned, they're unlikely to go away on their own.

No therapist is going to push you into transitioning.  They aren't going to slip hormones into your coffee.  They may suggest, at some point, that you try hormones - it's an amazingly simple and effective way of actually confirming whether you're trans or not - but even then, you can stop taking the pills and there's no harm done.

Therapy is a safe place.

[Stephe]

Is this because people already decided to get on hormones and go through a therapist to get a clinical approval for the hormones? Or is it that the therapy opens people up to realize thats what they want?

I had already been living full time for several years before I went and the -only- reason I went was to get a HRT letter, so yes I am one of those people. I had that goal in mind and if your goal isn't HRT, don't feel like that will be the end result. If you go to a therapist, realize they are just human beings and understand some are good, some are bad and do NOT let them tell you what you need to do to be happy. It can be a good way for some people to explore their feelings and look at things from another perspective.

[jasellebelle]

Has anyone ever gone through therapy and was able to get rid of this? I wish I never had these thoughts at all. I feel like a defected person.

I think I will try taking testosterone. I know many people dont think that helps but I figured if estrogen helps you feel more feminine, in theory, testosterone will do the opposite.

[jasellebelle]

Just to clarify, I dont think anyone going through this is defected...its just how I feel about myself. I dont judge others 

[Julia-Madrid]

I always hear you cant reverse any hrt changes. So some people take enough just to calm the urges but have not physical changes??

Hi Jasellebelle

From your earlier posts on other topics, I think you're probably in your 30s or thereabouts?  This means that any changes you would experience on HRT would be slow and not especially noticeable at first.  But HRT produces systemic changes, so if you're getting enough to feel calmer and more feminine, you're likely to be getting enough to produce physical changes.

While I understand what you are getting at, what you're proposing is probably not really feasible.  Indeed, most of us are on HRT precisely because we want the physical changes, and it's pretty much certain that you would get these on HRT.  What is not at all certain is whether you will feel any direct emotional or calming effects from HRT.  This site is full of commentary from sisters saying something like "I've been on HRT for x years and I still don't feel like a woman."  This is an important point, since HRT will not necessarily calm you nor make you feel the way you hope it might.  And herein is the truth that many transwomen only find out afterwards:  HRT is a helping hand, but the sense of femininity and of being a woman comes from within.

You need to overcome your fear of seeing a therapist.  And my advice on your other similar thread still holds valid.

xxx
Julia

[PinkCloud]

Is this because people already decided to get on hormones and go through a therapist to get a clinical approval for the hormones? Or is it that the therapy opens people up to realize thats what they want?

It depends, some are ready for hormones when they start therapy, others want to explore other options first. A therapist will asses these options. Maybe cross-dressing will give one enough relief, if so, then that is great. No one will push you to do anything. I guess the last thing they want you on, is hormones and rush through a surgery. The most extreme end of GID.

[Susan522]

Many, many years ago, decades, before you and many others here were even born, I was sent to a "therapist".  I was somewhere around 8 - 10 years old and my parents were trying to understand this crazy notion that I was really a girl, despite having been born obviously male.

The name of one of the doctors that's saw, examined and attempted to "treat" me was a fellow named Richard Greene, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Green_(sexologist) he was an intern working under another doctor named Robert Stoeller, http://www.nytimes.com/1991/09/10/us/dr-robert-j-stoller-66-teacher-and-leading-sex-identity-theorist.html.  They told my parents that based on their rather primitive and cursory examination of their child, (moi), that this was either just a phase and would eventually pass, or...I would just grow up gay.

Essentially there was nothing they could do except continue to take my parents money and continue their "research".  So that ws my first experience with "therapy".

My second encounter with a therapist was the result of my less than positive encounter with law enforcement.  A very wise and curious judge sent me to a shrink to understand why a seemingly healthy and well educated young "man" was trying to kill himself and those around him.  What this man did, (the shrink), was quite literally, save my life.  But he would not have been able to do that if I had not been perfectly honest with him.  I told him flat out what the problem was, (I was the wrong sex), and that I could not see anyway of "fixing" that.

He was not gender therapist.  He was just a good man with a good heart and a desire to help this tormented and broken human being that was hell bent on self destruction.  He offered me hope and the possibility of a cure.  I took that hope and ran with it.  It was not easy, I ran into many blind alleys and in fact it was horrendously terrifying and painful.  No "support" groups.  Nobody really except for myself and my new found desire and drive to live.

So yeah.  Go talk to a therapist, a priest, a rabbi, a counselor or even just a good friend.  Someone you can trust and tell them the truth.  No BS.  Just the simple truth as you understand it.  They are not you.  They do not  have the answers.  The "answers" are within you.  If they are skillful and you are completely honest with yourself, you might be able to muddle your way through this.

[Brenda E]

Has anyone ever gone through therapy and was able to get rid of this?

Can it be cured?  No, but it can be lived with.

First of all, reparative therapy (or conversion therapy) does not work.  If you are trans, there's nothing a therapist can do to make that change.  Same as if you were gay - no therapist can change that fact, and those who claim to be able to are charlatans and their efforts do far more damage than good.

While no therapist can stop you being trans (if that's what you are - and therapy will help you figure that out), a therapist can help you figure out way to cope with who you are.  Don't want to transition?  Want to keep it all private and have nobody ever find out?  You and your therapist will be able to find solutions that will work for you.  There are many options available: ways to embrace your thoughts and come to terms with them, ways to incorporate your feelings into your life without anyone every knowing, ways to even take hormones at such low levels that the physical changes are tortoise-slow but the mental relief is still palpable (although as Julia correctly points out, if the hormones are affecting your mind, they're also affecting your body to some degree.)

Your therapist will basically try to do two things:

1.  Figure out if you're trans or not; and
2.  Then figure out what to do about it (including nothing if that's what you want.)

Let me ask a question though: are you frightened of the therapy, or are you frightened of being trans?  And it's ok to be frightened of being trans because it's a huge realization and one many people are just not prepared for; not to be confused with being frightened of trans people, which is not cool because we're a harmless bunch unless provoked!

[Deborah]

I think I will try taking testosterone. I know many people dont think that helps but I figured if estrogen helps you feel more feminine, in theory, testosterone will do the opposite.

That has been tried by doctors before and doesn't work.  From personal experience, my testosterone is perfectly normal, 576 at age 54 and those feelings are as strong as ever.

This is not a hormonal problem with the possible exception of hormones causing cross sexed brain development before you were born.

Nobody has discovered a way to undo that.


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[Brenda E]

That has been tried by doctors before and doesn't work.

Agreed.  It's about as effective as taking you to the park to toss a football around in an effort to teach you how to "man up".

[jasellebelle]

Can it be cured?  No, but it can be lived with.

First of all, reparative therapy (or conversion therapy) does not work.  If you are trans, there's nothing a therapist can do to make that change.  Same as if you were gay - no therapist can change that fact, and those who claim to be able to are charlatans and their efforts do far more damage than good.

While no therapist can stop you being trans (if that's what you are - and therapy will help you figure that out), a therapist can help you figure out way to cope with who you are.  Don't want to transition?  Want to keep it all private and have nobody ever find out?  You and your therapist will be able to find solutions that will work for you.  There are many options available: ways to embrace your thoughts and come to terms with them, ways to incorporate your feelings into your life without anyone every knowing, ways to even take hormones at such low levels that the physical changes are tortoise-slow but the mental relief is still palpable (although as Julia correctly points out, if the hormones are affecting your mind, they're also affecting your body to some degree.)

Your therapist will basically try to do two things:

1.  Figure out if you're trans or not; and
2.  Then figure out what to do about it (including nothing if that's what you want.)

Let me ask a question though: are you frightened of the therapy, or are you frightened of being trans?  And it's ok to be frightened of being trans because it's a huge realization and one many people are just not prepared for; not to be confused with being frightened of trans people, which is not cool because we're a harmless bunch unless provoked!

Haha no Im not afraid of trans people. I am afraid of me being trans. I feel going to therapy is just the beginning to me realizing more. Might I just be lying to myself if I say Im not trans when indeed I might be? Perhaps, but everything is scary right now. Ive suppressed it so long and now I am actually looking into it more is a bit uncomfortable. Just the idea of seeing a therapist for this reason in particular validates the fact that I am most likely headed down the path to knowing more about myself than I want.

It may sound like a bunch of rambling but everyone here has helped structure my thoughts a bit. I think all the advice on here so far has been more than helpful. It has set me on the right direction...even if it scares the hell out of me. I will be calling a gender therapist on Monday.

[Susan522]

Can it be cured?  No, but it can be lived with.  (IMPO)

Your therapist will basically try to do two things:

1.  Figure out if you're trans or not; and
2.  Then figure out what to do about it (including nothing if that's what you want.)

So how is that working out for you?

[JoanneB]

There are plenty of people who go to a therapist and decide not to transition. Some get to the point of starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and then realise it is not for them. Some continue to take low dosage HRT but not transition as the low dose is enough to quell their dysphoria and they are happy. If you have this fear that therapy will lead to you transitioning then I think you really should discuss that from session number one.

I should add there are many who went to a therapist thinking that they never would or could transition who are living much happier, more fulfilled lives because they did transition.

+1
Yes, PLENTY go to therapist to rubber stamp them, get the CYA letter for hormones, and move on.

Other have wrestled with the trans beast for decades, found ways to "get by". Which may include therapy and low dose HRT. TBH, Let's face it, being trans means an overload of shame and guilt. PLENTY of baggage to needlessly carry around. Like WHO DOES NOT want to be "Normal"? I sure wish I was. Next lifetime... maybe

And then the reason for going to a therapist may change over time. After twice "Experimenting" with transition in my early and mid twenties I ventured into a therapist office for the first time ever for exactly help with Shame, Guilt, Baggage. Transitioning was the last thing on my agenda, been there tried it, twice. SURVIVAL was.

I wanted to be one whole, healthy and HAPPY person. I wanted to be ALIVE. I also wanted help. I needed new vastly different tools, hints, help in dealing with how I was not handing being trans. I knew I was never going to be normal. I knew I was different. I knew there was no way ever that was going to change. I knew how I was doing things to cope was not the greatest. My life was in the toilet. The excrement hit the air handler, yet again.

Between a totally fantastic support group, a couple of angels, and some help from therapy, I slowly began to loose the guilt. The shame is much more pervasive, yet it too is waning... barely. Eventually I got access to a for real gender therapist. More guilt shed, plenty more Shame.

Nobody (in their right mind) WANTS to be trans. Unfortunately we don't have a choice over that. How we deal with it we do. The only death sentence is the one we give ourselves living a life of shame and guilt. Shame rots your soul. It make you a non person, just a machine going through the motions of being something you can never be, "normal".

Six years into this "Transition" I have changed by many orders of magnitude. I almost feel I am a for real person. I mostly am happy for the first time being in my own skin. I can actually feel  like all the great and wonderful achievements I worked for in my life, both professionally and personally, I DESERVE. Better still it is SLOWLY sinking in that I do not deserve the unrealistic expectations I place upon myself. I do not deserve the berating I still give myself for not being perfect, for being a major F'up. For being a totally idiot for not even getting even the simplest, easiest thing right like knowing what the dangly bits make me.

It has been a lot of HARD work. Plenty of tears. Not just mine but also THE most important person's in my life tears from my wife. All that I do great affects her, and US. Taking on the trans beast, for real, HAS BEEN THE MOST SCARIEST thing I've done in my life. And I've should have been dead a good three time by now and work daily around stuff that can kill me in an instant.

I still present daily as a "normal male. I still present daily as a person thanks to HRT. Something I've been on/off since my 20's to "survive". I still mostly want to continue presenting as male since SO MUCH of every other aspect of my life that make me me, that make me joyful to be alive, is tied up in that persona. I am finally happy being in my own skin. I have been asked a few times by both my old (general) and current (gender) therapist "What would be different if 'Joanne' showed up for work?" TBH, beside me feeling a bit more genuine, nothing. I am living and being the me.

Being the ME I am today. Next week, who knows? I sure don't. As hard as I try to be perfect, I also also try to control the future. Both are folly. I am not a Goddess. I really wouldn't even want the title and job if offered. I am however human and wish I could control it. Wisdom is knowing I can not. Wisdom is knowing life is change. Life is transition.