it hurts not having children

[Jaz650]

I asked my boyfriend if he likes any girls where he lives, and he answered no. I asked him if he thinks they're pretty, and he answered yes, but he said he chose me. I suddenly broke down in pain when I realized they can give him children, and I can't. I doesn't matter if I'm pretty, smart, etc. I can't have children. Why me?? I think, look, feel, act, like a girl, I AM A GIRL, but I can't have children. It's not fair. Sorry I post about this a lot, it's the one place I can be totally open about my trans issues. Also my boyfriend doesn't want anyone to know I'm transgender, I guess that's okay.

[Cindy]

Honey, I know your pain. Lots of us want, wanted to have children, many cisfemales can't have kids and for them there is help from IVF etc. but for us no, there isn't.

So we have a choice. Dwell on this and continue our mental anguish or think through alternatives. We can adopt. We can be foster parents. So try not to look at the impossible but aim for the possible.

Hey, sounds as if you have a man who is worth his weight in gold.

Hugs

[Jaz650]

Honey, I know your pain. Lots of us want, wanted to have children, many cisfemales can't have kids and for them there is help from IVF etc. but for us no, there isn't.

So we have a choice. Dwell on this and continue our mental anguish or think through alternatives. We can adopt. We can be foster parents. So try not to look at the impossible but aim for the possible.

Hey, sounds as if you have a man who is worth his weight in gold.

Hugs

Do you believe some day we will be able to?

[Jean24]

I think about it constantly too. I think about how I have to take pills for the rest of my life because my body can't make its own hormones. I think about how people would think of me as my friend [the transsexual] if they knew. It causes enough stress that I have to call out from work several times a month.

[Cindy]

Someday yes. I was at the Bangkok meeting where uterine transplants were discussed. I'm aware of stem cell research, I know the US military is supporting research into growing genitals for transplantation.

One day we will have this available to us, but not quickly, not soon, but one day.

[JustASeq]

I asked my boyfriend if he likes any girls where he lives, and he answered no. I asked him if he thinks they're pretty, and he answered yes, but he said he chose me. I suddenly broke down in pain when I realized they can give him children, and I can't. I doesn't matter if I'm pretty, smart, etc. I can't have children. Why me?? I think, look, feel, act, like a girl, I AM A GIRL, but I can't have children. It's not fair. Sorry I post about this a lot, it's the one place I can be totally open about my trans issues. Also my boyfriend doesn't want anyone to know I'm transgender, I guess that's okay.

I feel your pain on the childbearing issue. I know it's a hard one to swallow, but at least we can breast feed with the help of the right hormones

I think it is a normal thing for a couple who cannot conceive to get a surrogate or even adopt.

I think that not everyone knowing I am trans sounds okay, so long as it is just for my safety and/or comfort in a situation, however if it was out of some sort of shame he felt about my being trans.... I'd definitely break things off. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding that part...

[Clhoe G]

I really try not to think of it, but I often wonder if a selective estrogen receptor module tablet would help, if the time comes, I'll try going off HRT n take them to try n get my fertility back, but there's never any guarantee with these things.

[Jaz650]

I feel your pain on the childbearing issue. I know it's a hard one to swallow, but at least we can breast feed with the help of the right hormones

I think it is a normal thing for a couple who cannot conceive to get a surrogate or even adopt.

I think that not everyone knowing I am trans sounds okay, so long as it is just for my safety and/or comfort in a situation, however if it was out of some sort of shame he felt about my being trans.... I'd definitely break things off. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding that part...

We are planning on marrying, and his family and friends would make fun of him, maybe be upset. We are both also Catholics, and his priest might not support us. He is an altar server, so he has alot to lose. if our Churches know, we most likely will be denied communion once we marry. I totally understand, even though I wish I could be open, but I love him enough to do whatever makes him comfortable. He totally supports me, I'm always talking about how I want SRS now! Lol. I know a LGBT friendly Catholic Church which will hopefully be our parish once we marry.

[JustASeq]

We are planning on marrying, and his family and friends would make fun of him, maybe be upset. We are both also Catholics, and his priest might not support us. He is an altar server, so he has alot to lose. if our Churches know, we most likely will be denied communion once we marry. I totally understand, even though I wish I could be open, but I love him enough to do whatever makes him comfortable. He totally supports me, I'm always talking about how I want SRS now! Lol. I know a LGBT friendly Catholic Church which will hopefully be our parish once we marry.

I hadn't even brought religion into the mix while thinking, since I'm not religious myself. That makes a lot of sense though, and think it's great that you all have each other. Hopefully there comes a day when nobody would get made fun of for being trans or dating/marrying/"knowing" a trans person....A girl can wish I guess.

[suzifrommd]

Dear, you can have children, they're just not going to come out of your own body. Like millions of women, trans and not trans, you'll need to find another way to bring children into your life. If you are as loving and caring a woman as you seem, you will find a way.

When a woman learns she can't have children, whether or not she is trans, there is a grieving process - grief for the loss of the kids you'll never give birth to. Please let yourself grieve, let yourself feel lousy, and let yourself feel sisterhood with the millions of women who are going through the same thing.

Hugs, Jaz, I hope this helps and I hope you DO find ways to bring wonderful children into your life.

[ImagineKate]

Having been to many a fertility clinic, believe me when I say this is not a problem confined to the trans community.

IVF works to some degree on cis women but not all. We had to have it due to my and her problems. But we met a lot of women who simply did not respond to the drugs after months of injections. Some tried and gave up. We had to have 5 cycles done and two miscarriages including one where she had to have a D and C. We cried a lot and spent a lot of money. Our doc said that the emotional suffering is like that of a cancer patient.

Adoption is not so bad. In fact it is a wonderful gift you can give to a child who may otherwise grow up in an orphanage or similar. And the child will know you as mommy and nothing else.

Medical science may be there someday but it's not in the immediate future. That said I believe it's possible. Either way it is not going to be your egg because you weren't born with them. You will need a donor. And at that point I'm thinking if the child is not genetically mine, why not just adopt one?

[LoriLorenz]

I second many of the sentiments and can commiserate, even as FTM. A long while back, before I considered myself in any way shape or form trans, I wrestled and grappled with my own inability to have kids. It hurts, it sucks, it's not fair. All true, but you sound like you got an awesome guy. Medical advances keep happening every day, and there are other options, including surrogacy and adoption.

I hope your wildest dreams come true one day, or at the very least that you can RAISE children with your guy. I read once that the child you adopt is born in your heart rather than your womb.

Hugs, Lorenz

[BunnyBee]

This used to be the hardest thing for me, but I got older and my biological clock kind of stopped ticking.  I can very much relate with your feelings though.

[noleen111]

I asked my boyfriend if he likes any girls where he lives, and he answered no. I asked him if he thinks they're pretty, and he answered yes, but he said he chose me. I suddenly broke down in pain when I realized they can give him children, and I can't. I doesn't matter if I'm pretty, smart, etc. I can't have children. Why me?? I think, look, feel, act, like a girl, I AM A GIRL, but I can't have children. It's not fair. Sorry I post about this a lot, it's the one place I can be totally open about my trans issues. Also my boyfriend doesn't want anyone to know I'm transgender, I guess that's okay.

I think its ok,

I also am dating a wonderful man, and I think we may marry one day. I know he wants a big family one day and  I also feel pain like you, that i cant have his children. We can adopt, but still i want to be pregnant with his child.

I also hope that one day, science will allow trans-woman to have uterus and womb transplants so we can  have kids.. i would do it in heartbeat.. yes I will then get periods.. but who cares.. i can then fall pregnant. I am only 24 now, so even if it comes in 15 years.. at 39 i can still have a child.

We both agreed to keep my trans a secret from his family (I am post op btw). I was fine with that, as I am relatively closed about that myself. My mother , my boyfriend and my roommate know I was born a man. For the rest of the world.. well I am a woman.. i look like a woman, i dress like a woman, i feel like a woman therefore i am woman world, also I am a real girly girl as I am really into makeup, shoes, clothes, shopping, painting my nails and i love wearing dresses or skirts, therefore people will find it hard to believe that i was ever man.

[katiej]

When a woman learns she can't have children, whether or not she is trans, there is a grieving process - grief for the loss of the kids you'll never give birth to. Please let yourself grieve, let yourself feel lousy, and let yourself feel sisterhood with the millions of women who are going through the same thing.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  And I felt like it was worth reading again.

[Jill F]

There are millions of childen out there that think it hurts not having parents.   Fostering or adopting a child seems like a win-win.

[lana777]

Yes I dream of having a child. Thank god my sister is going to have one for me with my husbands semen. Both have agreed to legally sign over parental rights so if anything were to happen I would have full custody. A big regret was not banking away before transition when everyone told me I should have  .... all I can do is pass along the warning to others!

[Evolving Beauty]

For me personally, it's the biggest blessing not to be able to have kids and one of the main advantage as trans. Cos if I was a GG I think I'd fall pregnant every year. I hate kids, they are a burden. To strain raise them 20 years wasting time and money so that they finally leave you? What's the sense of having them by the end?

[ElDudette]

I went through a harsh grieving period a week+ back. One of my friends had her first kid and posted pics a few days after from the hospital. I just rested my head in my hands and cried so hard that I had to use a hand towel to dry off my desk. And I felt like ->-bleeped-<- well through the next day. I don't want to a sperm donar, I want to be a mom, and it still hurts that I probably will never be a mom other than adopting.