Hello everyone,
After a few months of intense soul-searching and distraught I figured I should join these forums. I'd love some help, so here's a little rundown of 'my story'.
I began gender questioning earlier this year, after realizing that the feelings of discomfort and panic at shopping for clothes or being seen as feminine that I've had since childhood might not be entirely normal after all. I was a 'tomboy' as a kid and rejected all things girly, preferring instead to sit on the fence of gender stereotypes. I remember in particular that my entire class in 2nd grade had a "Boys vs. Girls" war and I self-proclaimed myself the 'spy', and played for both teams, haha. When I was younger, I was never as comfortable around my female family members or female people at all, although I ended up attributing this to the fact my mother was an alcoholic and maybe I hated being around ladies for that purpose. I don't know. I hated that they would make me put on a shirt or shave my legs as a kid, I hated it, I hated being dictated to do those things and it made me incredibly self-conscious. Once puberty hit in middle school I became ousted from all my friend groups - to the guys I was a 'traitor' for trying to befriend everyone, from jocks to geeks to preppy girls to the juggalo kids, and to the girls I was weird and uncomfortable and too rough, and not interested in boys. I ended up outcast and absolutely confused. In high school I tried instead to be as feminine as possible, and it made me uncomfortable. I let my hair grow out again from the scruffy short 'do I had had. In senior year and in my first year of college I cut my hair and started just being a kinda 'hipster' girl, more on the masculine side but still a "girl". I got panic attacks whenever I had to shop for clothes, I hated being seen in public around girl clothes, I refused to buy bras to the point I only had 3 that were basically in tatters since it just made me outright uncomfortable.
Then this year I started gender questioning, after talking to my trans woman friend about some of the feelings I had had over the years. I bought myself a binder and started to dress more masculinely, trying to pass as a guy. I remember how elated I felt the first time I got shooed into the men's dressing room when buying some shirts! But those little uncomfortable feelings I used to have about my body have gotten insanely strong and abhorrent. I see a face in the mirror and I know that face is pretty and I know that people think I'm a very pretty girl and I know that face in the mirror is a pretty girl's, but it isn't mine. It makes me sick. I hate how thin my arms are and how my body hair is so fine and small and I hate my curves and it's so stressful.
But I'm an artist, and I've already worked and established myself in the animation industry. People know me as my assigned name, a name I despised even before I started gender questioning and had tried to change many times as a child and teenager, and people will often say things like 'we need more women like you in the industry!' and it makes me cringe so much. But I'm terrified. I don't know if I can make any sort of transition when I've already been established as all these things that make me cringe. I hate it so much.
I don't know, I guess this ended up kind of rambly. Any input would be appreciated. For the record, I think I may be masculine agender - I don't feel like a guy completely but I would certainly prefer being a guy than a girl, which I feel like every fiber in my body is rejecting right now.
Also, did dysphoria get much worse for any of you when you started questioning? Right now it's so bad its hard to get out of bed.
Thanks, and have a great day everyone,
Kiernan
