Hello everyone,

After a few months of intense soul-searching and distraught I figured I should join these forums. I'd love some help, so here's a little rundown of 'my story'.

I began gender questioning earlier this year, after realizing that the feelings of discomfort and panic at shopping for clothes or being seen as feminine that I've had since childhood might not be entirely normal after all. I was a 'tomboy' as a kid and rejected all things girly, preferring instead to sit on the fence of gender stereotypes. I remember in particular that my entire class in 2nd grade had a "Boys vs. Girls" war and I self-proclaimed myself the 'spy', and played for both teams, haha. When I was younger, I was never as comfortable around my female family members or female people at all, although I ended up attributing this to the fact my mother was an alcoholic and maybe I hated being around ladies for that purpose. I don't know. I hated that they would make me put on a shirt or shave my legs as a kid, I hated it, I hated being dictated to do those things and it made me incredibly self-conscious. Once puberty hit in middle school I became ousted from all my friend groups - to the guys I was a 'traitor' for trying to befriend everyone, from jocks to geeks to preppy girls to the juggalo kids, and to the girls I was weird and uncomfortable and too rough, and not interested in boys. I ended up outcast and absolutely confused. In high school I tried instead to be as feminine as possible, and it made me uncomfortable. I let my hair grow out again from the scruffy short 'do I had had. In senior year and in my first year of college I cut my hair and started just being a kinda 'hipster' girl, more on the masculine side but still a "girl". I got panic attacks whenever I had to shop for clothes, I hated being seen in public around girl clothes, I refused to buy bras to the point I only had 3 that were basically in tatters since it just made me outright uncomfortable.

Then this year I started gender questioning, after talking to my trans woman friend about some of the feelings I had had over the years. I bought myself a binder and started to dress more masculinely, trying to pass as a guy. I remember how elated I felt the first time I got shooed into the men's dressing room when buying some shirts! But those little uncomfortable feelings I used to have about my body have gotten insanely strong and abhorrent. I see a face in the mirror and I know that face is pretty and I know that people think I'm a very pretty girl and I know that face in the mirror is a pretty girl's, but it isn't mine. It makes me sick. I hate how thin my arms are and how my body hair is so fine and small and I hate my curves and it's so stressful.

But I'm an artist, and I've already worked and established myself in the animation industry. People know me as my assigned name, a name I despised even before I started gender questioning and had tried to change many times as a child and teenager, and people will often say things like 'we need more women like you in the industry!' and it makes me cringe so much. But I'm terrified. I don't know if I can make any sort of transition when I've already been established as all these things that make me cringe. I hate it so much.

I don't know, I guess this ended up kind of rambly. Any input would be appreciated. For the record, I think I may be masculine agender - I don't feel like a guy completely but I would certainly prefer being a guy than a girl, which I feel like every fiber in my body is rejecting right now.

Also, did dysphoria get much worse for any of you when you started questioning? Right now it's so bad its hard to get out of bed.

Thanks, and have a great day everyone,

Kiernan

I've wondered about a number of things contributing to me being trans. My dad wasn't around much because of work. He would only be home for the weekends. When he was home he would be glued to football on the TV. My mom would constantly complain about football. Add to that the fact that I love Star Trek and football interfered with the airing of new Star Trek episodes, I hated football as well. Also I had a lot of female friends at a young age and one day they wanted to start something that required you to "sign up" by pulling down your pants. I didn't know what the difference was at the time so I was completely unprepared for discovering that I was different that the girls and I was so ashamed of being different. Since there weren't any boys involved I didn't even realize that I was normal. After Puberty every time I would get excited I would find "it" disgusting. Once I finally got the courage to question my gender, I found that disgust only got worse.

Now I don't really care anymore as to why. I just accept being a girl. I'm out. People accept me (which was a huge shock). The disphoria is at its lowest (especially since starting hormones and "it" doesn't get excited as easily). I'm the happiest I've ever been. Being trans has had its pros and cons, but I see the pros outweighing the cons.

I've heard a lot of people echo that their dysphoria got heaps worse when they came to the realization that they're trans. I can say the same for myself, too.

I'm FTM, but I don't feel like a guy completely either, so I identify as androgyne. I seem to be equally male and female. There are things about my female self that I like, but I know in my heart that it isn't solely me, there's more. Plus, there's the whole "I hate my boobs/little voice" thing, and the desire to be read as a man instead of a woman. It just seems more "me".

It must be stressful to be in the public eye as you are and hear things like "We need more women like you in this industry." I'm also an artist, and am starting to make music in a male-dominated genre, so I can imagine how that feels...  And honestly, some of those people would probably feel betrayed if you decided to transition. But you know what? Transitioning is about being you, and not apologizing for it. If you decide to transition or be publicly trans, I think you'd get a lot of support from your coworkers/fans/whomever, people who actually support every person's wellbeing.

Is that what bothers you, that you think they wouldn't support you? Or is it just the stress of changing what you've already established? If animation is what you love, I think you should adopt an identity that you can feel proud of from here forward, instead of worrying about changing an already established identity that you hate. It will probably be awkward in the beginning, but at some point, you'll have established yourself by your preferred identity and won't have to refer back to your old one anymore.

Thank you guys so much for your reply.

I think I'm most frightened of coming out as trans because I came from a very conservative town and I've witnessed people harassed to horrible lengths for it. I wasn't even able to come out as bisexual in that situation - it was absolutely dangerous and terrifying. Now I'm in a much safer place but I think those learned fears are something I can't shake.

So I find myself stuck between absolute terror of being attacked (by who knows... it might not be logical) and the utter disgust and pain I feel whenever I hear the word 'she'.

I suppose it'll have to be something I work out myself, it's just tough, and helps to talk about it with people who have had more experience being trans and out than I have.

My dysphoria did become a lot more pronounced when I first started questioning my gender, and even worse from there while I waited to start medically transitioning. Can't speak for everyone, but I will say this is a common thing that I've heard.

Like you, I work in a very male heavy industry. At an internal leadership conference for my company this year, I was pulled aside by several people and they remarked how happy they were to be able to point to me as a female excelling in my role. I will probably be coming out at work within the next month and despite having excellent trans protections in place in my state (DC), the thought of telling my boss and other company leaders is more nerve-wrecking to me than telling my parents.