Going to see my family for new year's, but they don't know. My mom was in the background when I called my dad the other day, saying to make sure I bring "nice" clothes. She has been policing what I wear my entire life, so it's a huge source of anxiety for me, especially considering the consequences. The last time I saw them, she ragged on my short hair the whole time, and then told my dad I can't come to dinner if I don't wear what she bought me (I was wearing very nice feminine clothes btw). Later that night she emotionally abused the living ->-bleeped-<- out of me in the car, while my dad sat there silently like he always does. It still hurts when I think about it. Since I've been starting to figure out my self, I've bought a bunch of guy pants, shoes, etc and plan on wearing them. The backlash is going to be horrible and traumatizing (screaming, emotion abuse, blackmail), but I truly feel like I have to. I haven't worn any of my women's pants since I got the guys ones. I have a binder coming in the mail today, and this past week has felt like the longest week ever waiting for it. I'm straight up terrified of what I'm getting myself into when I go there.