Is a partial transition for you? Full transition? how to know....

[Monica Jean]

This post is a copy & paste from my blog this morning about what's transpired this week in my life.  Any questions of whether to transition partially or fully were not fully answered when I had my hellish fork-in-the-road moment nearly 4 months ago.  However, life has a way of letting us know the path it wants to take, partial or full transition included...all we have to do is listen...and cry....

http://inprocessnow.tumblr.com/post/105689801079/how-to-absolutely-know-a-partial-transition-is-not

As I observe the lives of my dear friends Ashley, Carla and Liz and how they are happy, jubilant, and celebrate each day.  I wonder how/if I will ever get to that level.

This past week, I've been exhausted as certain personal challenges have been achieved.  However one thing, one LARGE thing has bee plaguing me for quite some time...a deep emptiness in my life.  I don't know what it is, but I do know two things, it's directly related to the transition and it's causing me to be blue far too much lately.

Constant questions I have: Why am I so down?  What is nagging on my soul, anchoring me to a less than satisfactory/happy existence?  Why is transition soooo painful?

So far this week, two early morning awake periods crying my eyes out for a few hours until my stomach muscles hurt haven't provided any clear answers (although other things have become clearer, so that's good of course). 

At 7pm two nights ago, I was searching for something to answer my questions, I went back to my favorite playlist of transition videos as I always find inspiration in seeing others triumph over all the intense challenges of transition.  The list I played included all my heroines: Hannah Hartley, Sona Avedian, Emma B, Katie Marshall, Christina Ash, Loren Dovahkiin...once I arrived at Loren's video, watched it once, at the 8 minute mark I became emotionally unglued.  Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" is at the mark:

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway"

I watched it repeatedly from the 8minute mark for the next hour. Music seeps deeply into my soul, often times where all other parts of life simply can not reach.

By 8:30pm I collected myself to watch an NBA game with the wife (we're huge B-Ball fans).  But by 10:30pm I was again exhausted and retired for the night.  By 1:45am I was up again, with the same question nagging me: "Why is this so painful?" and "What is anchoring me?"  By 1:55am, balling my eyes out.

It became painfully clear what was wrong: I have never flown....like Ashley, Carla, Liz, Hannah, Sona, Hannah, and Loren before me.... I need to learn how to fly, not try to make things work in the nest, no one flies in the nest, we fly once out of the nest.

Hours of crying, full of pain, full of questions, full of emotions...all are very important parts of just being a woman.  (Little did I realize it at the time)

By 5am, and after having Kelly Clarkson's song on repeat since 1:55am, as it spoke to the depths of my heart, the realization hit me: I MUST progress with my transition.  I MUST be the woman I am.  I can no longer accept "no transgender anything inside the house". Not progressing forward with transition is the darkness crushing my soul.  I MUST fly, not stay in the nest any longer.

So count me out as one who can partially transition.

All that crying, which is being a woman, with the afforementioned inspirations, provided me with the answer: fly.

I now know the clear direction, now I know the key to being happy/content/jubilant....fly.  Be the woman I am, no excuses, no looking  back, no delays. 

This is such a huge step for me!  This step forward clears the table of any thoughts that a partial transition is possible or the 'right' solution as there is no peace in a partial transition, for me at least.

Thank you to Ashley for being there for me, and singlehandedly helping me get over my deeply troubling "CD PTSD" ( and you looked beautiful in that dress at the Christmas program!!)  Your friendship that goes deep is more valuable than gold.  Watching you, I know what it will be like to live life as a happy,thriving woman!

Thank you to Liz for helping me keep the blinders on to 'stay the course' by reminding me several times to only take responsibility for myself and the righteous things around me, not other people's feelings and reactions...  It's too easy to veer away from the goal and absorb false guilt in these early stages of transition.

Thank you to Hannah H for finding time in her ultra busy schedule to answer my myriad of questions, especially the last couple weeks.  Some of my deepest observations, lessons and struggles of transition have been worked out by talking it out with you.  I can't thank you enough.

And a huge thank you to Loren D, your song choice of Breakaway was the key that unlocked the closed door to my heart's floodgates to understand, finally, what has been holding me back and causing much darkness for a long while.   Even though that tune has been out for 10 years now,  I didn't even know she sang that song! 

"I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change..."

Any part of my transition is strictly disallowed in the house by the wife.  This needs to change, I can not keep the real me parked at a distant shore while I'm living in my home. "It's time to Breakaway..."

Walking thru the local grocery/supercenter yesterday to pickup some eggs, I noticed a cute pink night shirt in the clothing section.  I've never owned a night shirt before.  So I grabbed it.  The lady helped me at the self-checkout station with a coupon...$8.75 with tax! Hooray for sales!

For the first time I ever, not only did I wear a night shirt to bed (I sleep in my own room) I wore clothes in the house.  While I broke the 'rule' (Yes, I 'broke' Deuteronomy 22:5....uh oh lol)  And for the first time ever, in my life, I felt like me.  I was so tired from week's struggles, but I didn't want to sleep as I was visually adoring my new breasts ('good night little girls!" lol) that were forming, how my legs felt silky smooth due to 3 months on HRT, and most importantly, how I was gleaming at simply being!  Being me. 

No partial transition for me, I'm all in, like I said I was back on day #1.  Now I no longer know it, I feel it. 

Monica

[Mariah]

Michelle, as much we find inspiration in those videos we have to find what makes us fly with our own wings. It could be simply one thing or many things, but it's different for each of us. For me a full transition is a necessity, but that isn't for everyone. The key is find what works for you and what you need from your transition to be happy. We shouldn't ever try to compete with other peoples transitions because they will never fully compare. It's like I try to compare myself to an image I have in mind of what I want and feel I need to live up to. Realistically I know that full image is never obtainable. So in the end what I'm saying is be yourself because each of us unique and has a slightly or even drastically different path to walk down before, during, and after we have completed our transitions. Hugs
Mariah

[Monica Jean]

I completely agree with you, we each need to blaze our own trail and simply be ourselves, no matter where we land on the transgender continuum.

When I look at YouTube, I'm looking for inspiration to be the best me I can be.  I'll never be Sona  ...but I can be something she cannot be... me!

[Mariah]

So very true. My fully being me is what brings me the most happiness and as I have seen recently seems to really draw people to me. A big part of that for me is avoiding being boxed in by other peoples standards and stereotypes.
Mariah

I completely agree with you, we each need to blaze our own trail and simply be ourselves, no matter where we land on the transgender continuum.

When I look at YouTube, I'm looking for inspiration to be the best me I can be.  I'll never be Sona  ...but I can be something she cannot be... me!

[JoanneB]

Six years ago after, hell even before, I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife I cried my eyes out most days. For many months afterwards I cried almost daily. Today I still cry. Soooo many balls to juggle at once trying to feel and BE genuine. To try to sort out after some 50 years on this planet WHO I am. Not the little isolated pieces I've been told I am, trained to be, expected to be, enjoy being, and buried deep. How to make the ones that really are true into one whole person.

Over these past six years I've seen many members of our TG support group come to the first meeting, scared, frightened,  unsure of anything except one thing. They NEEDED to transition. This past weekend I nearly cried after one of these relatively new members (1 year plus) had her wife leave her, started coming to our group, started therapy, HRT, went full time, got her name and gender marker changed, still has her job (state employee) said "You are my hero Joanne. I don't know how you can do it, but you do". The "It" is not going full time after coming to group, started therapy, started seeing a for real gender therapist, been on HRT for like 6 years now, still married, lived part time, achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, yet am living and presenting as male.

Transition is change. I am still growing and changing after nearly 30 years of rotting away. I try to balance all the various aspects of my life that make me, me; from my wife/BFF, my fun career, and in what non-existent free time I have my other little pleasures. I am the sum of those parts and not just any one of them. Fully transitioning may lead to feeling totally genuine. Or, it may lead to disaster as my world explodes once again over how I handled being trans

What matters the most to me is right now, things cannot possible be made any better. I am finally happy being me, being in my own skin. I can actually look at myself in the mirror, a lifetime first. I have a fun job doing, making and designing cool stuff. My wife/girlfriend of some 30+ years loves me and actually trusts me again now that I have grown so much as a person. Yes she worries about the future, so do I. We take (or try to) each day, one at a time.

As an engineer, well paid because I can what if things to death, I live in constant fear of the unknown of my own life. That fear led to me first ignoring, denying me really being a TS. Much of my crying was/is over not knowing, not being able to play things out in my mind to their ultimate end. My wife, support group members, and therapist basically ask "And who appointed you God?" I can't know, predict, and much less control the future. "Live in the present. Not in the past, Not in the future". Far far easier for me to say then to do.