To Those Who Know Me A Little

[lindagrl]

i am in a bad state.  Have been treated cruelly by the head psychologist over the transgender program here, don´t know why he accepted me into the
program, he clearly sees me as a man, not a woman. Think maybe he just gets a sadistic kick out of it.  He betrayed my trust and outed me.
My marriage is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about it, she won´t talk seriously with me, is evasive and distant. A recent r has ruined me
psychologically.  Am full of self loathing, but desperate to see some light in it all.
For those of you who have gotten to know me a little by reading my posts i would very much like an honest appraisal of how i seem to you.
Is this a troubled woman writing these words or a deluded man? i am too lost now to know.

[Ms Grace]

Honestly, I cannot tell you that one way or the other, I don't know you well enough. It comes down to how you feel inside not what others think. It was extremely unprofessional of that shrink to out you to your wife and maybe you should consider filing a complaint about his conduct and looking elsewhere for someone more supportive. It's appalling that anyone needing help for their gender identity should be treated this way. Hugs.

[lindagrl]

Thank you Ms Grace. Yes of course, nobody here knows me well enough to make that call.
There is nobody else i can turn to except this prick, except perhaps the minister of health.
The fact that i am really angry with him tells me that i do feel that i am female.
He did not out me to my wife, she alone has known about this but i don´t have her support anymore.
He outed me by calling my female name in the general waiting area full of people waiting to
see other doctors on other matters.  In this tiny community it´s certain that someone there
knows somebody that knows me.  i am up against the wall, have to either out myself very soon
or call the whole thing off and try somehow to patch myself together.

[Cindy]

Hi Linda,

Hugs Honey,

Don't feel so bad and hard on yourself. This is a journey like no other and has massive ups and downs. Certainly when I began therapy the psych used the name that I had been referred to as. He then asked what name I would like him to use, I said Cindy and that was it. I was presenting as male at the time.

You may want to access the SOC or standards of care available here www.wpath.org that detail the process we should go through - and what he should be following.

I would also tell him at the next meeting how much he hurt you and your fears and repercussions.

Now no more crap about killing yourself, it won't help you or anyone. What it will do is give all of your family here pain and distress.

You can talk to me in private if you wish by pm, and I can give you my phone number as well - half of the forum have it - if you want to talk.

Now take some comfort, many of us have been at the bottom of the pit. No hope, no future. I've been places no woman, and no man should ever be, but I got out of it by the love of my friends and family here.

You can do the same. We are here walking right next to you.

My Love

Cindy

[adrian]

Hey Linda,

first of all take a deep breath! Or two.

Ok. So as Grace said, only you can know how you identify. So don't let that idiot of a "psychologist" question your identity. At best, maybe you can think of him challenging you and thereby reinforcing you, but it is a very cruel and unnecessary thing to do. I went through a bit of a rough spot with my therapist (who is awesome, but we hit a bit of a bump) and I know how horrible it feels to be challenged by someone who you depend on -- because they are the ones writing the letter for hrt.

When someone here or in real life tells me they are a woman, then I see / read a woman. It doesn't matter how they look on the outside. But I think that is something that many cisgendered people, even if they are allies, have a hard time with.

In one of your posts you mentioned another counselor -- can you discuss with her how to cope with this prick (sorry)? And if they switch to the Standards of Care, this could be something to hold them accountable to?

As for the outing -- try not to let this drive the pace of your coming out. Do it when you're ready. The chances are, only half of the people in the waiting room understood what was going on, and only half of them will hopefully even care... I don't know how many that leaves, but as you cannot change this now, put it out of your mind. I think you should make stabilizing the relationship with your wife a priority and telling some close friends. She will need someone to talk to as well.

A big hug from me!

[katrinaw]

Hi Linda, I am so sorry to hear that the psychologist has betrayed you, he has also betrayed a patient/professional trust too, I would be devastated if it were me... to date I have not had to deal with such betrayal of trust.

I am also sorry it has damaged your position and made you question yourself... Like others I do not know your exact position, but I believe you had made a choice, a massive choice in your life, to make a positive change... In reality you have had a real tough few weeks, and my heart goes out to you.

You seem a very passionate person, and certainly in conversations we are alike in some ways... I think you have to follow your heart, your mind can be too logical, as mine has been over the years... Only you know where you have to go. Take a deep breath, take stock of the situation, also consider where you have come from and above all, your well being.

We all love you here and are here to try and help and certainly support you. Take care

Love and hugs Katy 

[lindagrl]

Hi Linda,

Hugs Honey,

Don't feel so bad and hard on yourself. This is a journey like no other and has massive ups and downs. Certainly when I began therapy the psych used the name that I had been referred to as. He then asked what name I would like him to use, I said Cindy and that was it. I was presenting as male at the time.

You may want to access the SOC or standards of care available here www.wpath.org that detail the process we should go through - and what he should be following.

I would also tell him at the next meeting how much he hurt you and your fears and repercussions.

Now no more crap about killing yourself, it won't help you or anyone. What it will do is give all of your family here pain and distress.

You can talk to me in private if you wish by pm, and I can give you my phone number as well - half of the forum have it - if you want to talk.

Now take some comfort, many of us have been at the bottom of the pit. No hope, no future. I've been places no woman, and no man should ever be, but I got out of it by the love of my friends and family here.

You can do the same. We are here walking right next to you.

My Love

Cindy

Hi Cindy, hugs to you and thank you for your kind words of support.
i have read the SOC, downloaded it.  In the session it came out that they plan to take up those guidelines early in the coming year but they are not there yet.
It´s a lousy first step into the program to feel my trust has been betrayed.  i told him my birth name in a letter to him before i went there and that i had not
come out to my family and friends, except my wife and still he chose to take away my choice and out me like that. He is not interested in how i feel,
spent most of the session trying to dissuade me from going into the program, painting as dark a picture of the requirements as he could.  i think he must
be duty bound to not turn anyone away that seeks entrance into the program because if it was up to him he would want to close those doors for me.
Am thinking how i am going to continue, he has become a major obstacle, will try and make things as difficult as he can for me.  Maybe i should write
him a letter explaining how i feel and suggest how we can make this work.  We don´t like each other, that is not going to change but we have to deal
with one another somehow on a practical level.

i had deleted the part of my post that mentioned wanting to die, am so sorry that you saw that before it went.  i approached my wife
this morning to have a heart to heart talk, all in all it went well, we still love each other, it´s the past that keeps haunting her and preventing
her from being supportive to me. We were able to talk this time without accusations, just explaining how we feel. It´s a good start we feel.
Thank you for being there Cindy and offering me to pm you if i need to, am sure i will need to a few times.
Linda

[lindagrl]

Hey Linda,

first of all take a deep breath! Or two.

Ok. So as Grace said, only you can know how you identify. So don't let that idiot of a "psychologist" question your identity. At best, maybe you can think of him challenging you and thereby reinforcing you, but it is a very cruel and unnecessary thing to do. I went through a bit of a rough spot with my therapist (who is awesome, but we hit a bit of a bump) and I know how horrible it feels to be challenged by someone who you depend on -- because they are the ones writing the letter for hrt.

When someone here or in real life tells me they are a woman, then I see / read a woman. It doesn't matter how they look on the outside. But I think that is something that many cisgendered people, even if they are allies, have a hard time with.

In one of your posts you mentioned another counselor -- can you discuss with her how to cope with this prick (sorry)? And if they switch to the Standards of Care, this could be something to hold them accountable to?

As for the outing -- try not to let this drive the pace of your coming out. Do it when you're ready. The chances are, only half of the people in the waiting room understood what was going on, and only half of them will hopefully even care... I don't know how many that leaves, but as you cannot change this now, put it out of your mind. I think you should make stabilizing the relationship with your wife a priority and telling some close friends. She will need someone to talk to as well.

A big hug from me!

Hi Adrian, that´s a good point you make about his reluctance to accept who i am reinforcing my commitment to myself. Had reached that conclusion too.
Yes maybe i am painting too dark a picture, maybe nobody in there can connect the dots and i won´t be found out until i do it myself.
Being in this program however under it´s current requirements demands that i start right away using my female name and living as a woman,
so it forces my hand.  Think i will wait until after Xmas though.
Have a meeting with my rape counselor tomorrow and that´s good.  My feelings of this transition and the aftermath of the rape get all mixed up inside me
and he can help me hopefully differentiate between the two.
i was up most of the night, was mostly lost in emotions and fears but was also examining who i am and what i want.  It always comes down to the
same thing, inside i am female and that´s what i want to be to myself and others.
Big hugs to you Adrian, thank you

[lindagrl]

Hi Linda, I am so sorry to hear that the psychologist has betrayed you, he has also betrayed a patient/professional trust too, I would be devastated if it were me... to date I have not had to deal with such betrayal of trust.

I am also sorry it has damaged your position and made you question yourself... Like others I do not know your exact position, but I believe you had made a choice, a massive choice in your life, to make a positive change... In reality you have had a real tough few weeks, and my heart goes out to you.

You seem a very passionate person, and certainly in conversations we are alike in some ways... I think you have to follow your heart, your mind can be too logical, as mine has been over the years... Only you know where you have to go. Take a deep breath, take stock of the situation, also consider where you have come from and above all, your well being.

We all love you here and are here to try and help and certainly support you. Take care

Love and hugs Katy 

Hi Katy, this whole thing has forced me to decide if transitioning physically into a female is what i truly want and what i am inside.
i know that i am not a man, i think of myself as female, see myself that way and as you said have made massive changes in my life
to live as i believe.  We are very much alike, i feel that too.  Was crying when i read your post, it reached my heart but in a good way.
Have to go out, duty calls. need to shave this horrid facial hair that i hate so much, can´t stand looking in the mirror unshaven.
Hugs to you Katy, i am finding my smile again and this time i will not doubt what i am doing anymore. Today i made a decision.
Without the care and support i have found here i would be so lost. You have all given me the greatest gift i could hope for,
love and support. You have rescued me from despair, i have no words to thank you all for that. Just know you did a good thing
and hopefully some time in the future i can be of support here also.
Love Linda

[rosinstraya]

Hi Linda,

You've really been given a horrible time. This journey is just so very hard - one minute massive highs as we feel more like our true selves, next minute we feel knocked back down by.....other people just not getting it, or being hurtful towards us.

I cannot imagine the details of your situation in a small community in Iceland. To do what you're doing takes some courage. This business of a "transgender programme" sounds really restrictive. I do not envy you that at all. You know that you are a woman, otherwise you would not be taking the steps you have. As trans people I do not think that we seek out our lives as some kind of "lifestyle", in the end we do what we have to do to live our lives as happily and fruitfully as we can. And those ways of living can be as alike or different from any other trans person.

Try and speak as much as possible to those in similar situations - you mentioned a support group in an earlier post - maybe you can talk to some of them outside of the group situation?

I hope you can get through these difficult times - it does get better (even with the bumps in the road)!

Take care and look after yourself.

[lindagrl]

Hi Linda,

You've really been given a horrible time. This journey is just so very hard - one minute massive highs as we feel more like our true selves, next minute we feel knocked back down by.....other people just not getting it, or being hurtful towards us.

I cannot imagine the details of your situation in a small community in Iceland. To do what you're doing takes some courage. This business of a "transgender programme" sounds really restrictive. I do not envy you that at all. You know that you are a woman, otherwise you would not be taking the steps you have. As trans people I do not think that we seek out our lives as some kind of "lifestyle", in the end we do what we have to do to live our lives as happily and fruitfully as we can. And those ways of living can be as alike or different from any other trans person.

Try and speak as much as possible to those in similar situations - you mentioned a support group in an earlier post - maybe you can talk to some of them outside of the group situation?

I hope you can get through these difficult times - it does get better (even with the bumps in the road)!

Take care and look after yourself.

Hi Ros,

Thank you for the feedback, all good points and i take consolation in considering the last part of your post.

Something that the head psychologist said has been going through my mind again and again.  He said that i need to decide what kind of
woman i want to be.  At first consideration it seemed like a moronic proposal, but i can see what he is getting at, what is it in my character
that transcends gender, is at the core of me, not habit, faking, testosterone or defense mechanism related? i thought about this a lot,
but decided i needed the opinions of some of the people closest to me.  i called a close friend last night and told him i had a weird question
for him but he was not to ask me why i needed his feedback, only know that it was important.  So i asked him what words he would use to
define me as a person. He came up with determined, independent and open minded, in that order. Told him i would explain it all after Xmas
and he could look forward to having his socks blown off.  Think he suspects that i have applied to join the Mars colony, well he is not so far off.
Asked my wife too and she added some words, like loving, kind and passionate.  Neither one mentioned smart, creative, tempermental or humorous,
so i guess i can strike that off the list i had made, heh. What i do notice since just being the female me is how much more caring, gentle, patient and
considerate i am with everyone, it really is the best of me.

All the obstacles in my way that i have described earlier here can be overcome if i have the support of my wife, she is the key really.
We had a long difficult talk tonight, but we really want to keep this family together. i can´t and i won´t do this without her.
i find it outrageous that i am required to come out to everyone as Linda right away long before any HRT starts, it´s not fair on her,
our boy or me.  Will discuss these issues with a psychiatrist in early January.  Sorry how long winded this became, just lots going on.
Linda

[rosinstraya]

You don't need to apologise! It is just a whole whirlpool of things that we have to deal with, like yesterday! I agree that the live as a woman for a year and "prove" yourself is an archaic way of doing things.

I hope you and your wife can keep having those talks, even when they're difficult. Lack of communication is a killer.

Have a good festive season, and here's to a bright 2015.

[Pixie]

I absolutely do not mean to dismiss any of your pain, it is very real no matter the intent behind it. But. Perhaps he was trying to help you feel more comfortable by using your female name? My therapist bothered me for over a year for permission to use both my new name and different pronouns even though I kept telling her no, because she was so sure it would make me to feel better. She meant well, I just wasn't ready. I still have corrected pronoun usage only once ever, even now that I'm mostly done transitioning, and it was an unusual situation. I had my awesome friend with me and we were on our date-night and I felt like a freaking super-pixie because he adores me and was going to snuggle and kiss me all evening... So I was feeling more confident than normal that night and felt okay correcting a store clerk who called me "miss". I haven't corrected anyone about my gender since then, despite so many opportunities.

I know the WPATH standards have had a "real life" test, if that is what he is getting at. I don't think that is still the recommended way of doing things but even if it were a requirement where you live it should still up to you when you start. When you are ready, or when you decide to start. This is your transition, not the doctor's.

If that is what he was getting at... Maybe look up some articles, research articles if you can get them, that say that the real life test is unnecessarily painful and not recommended anymore. Maybe look up some international transgender advocacy groups and see if they have any literature about it. Print it all out and bring it and tell the doctor you want to do things in a way that is more comfortable for you then show him the "proof" that it will work better your way. Maybe also write up an outline of your transition the way you want to do it, what steps you want in what order and when (if you know), and bring that too. Even just writing it out for yourself could help, but in my experience medical professionals seem to really respond to well-organized lists.

Speaking of lists... My therapist had me and my best friend each write three lists about me, when I was still pre-transition. List one- things I (or he) wanted to change. List two- things I (or he) wanted to keep the same. List three- things I (or he) did not care so much about. The lists included body characteristics (breasts, genitals, facial hair, musculature, fat distribution, etc), personality traits, clothing, mannerisms, hobbies, likes, dislikes, hair styles, anything about myself. We used those lists as a way to talk about what was important to me and what was important to him. On his list #1 there were not many items, but the first one was "being happy" and the second was "stop hurting myself" (I used to self-harm). He really did care for me even when he was arguing against me transitioning. Seeing that on his list was such a powerful thing for me. I do think it was really helpful.

[lindagrl]

I absolutely do not mean to dismiss any of your pain, it is very real no matter the intent behind it. But. Perhaps he was trying to help you feel more comfortable by using your female name? My therapist bothered me for over a year for permission to use both my new name and different pronouns even though I kept telling her no, because she was so sure it would make me to feel better. She meant well, I just wasn't ready. I still have corrected pronoun usage only once ever, even now that I'm mostly done transitioning, and it was an unusual situation. I had my awesome friend with me and we were on our date-night and I felt like a freaking super-pixie because he adores me and was going to snuggle and kiss me all evening... So I was feeling more confident than normal that night and felt okay correcting a store clerk who called me "miss". I haven't corrected anyone about my gender since then, despite so many opportunities.

I know the WPATH standards have had a "real life" test, if that is what he is getting at. I don't think that is still the recommended way of doing things but even if it were a requirement where you live it should still up to you when you start. When you are ready, or when you decide to start. This is your transition, not the doctor's.

If that is what he was getting at... Maybe look up some articles, research articles if you can get them, that say that the real life test is unnecessarily painful and not recommended anymore. Maybe look up some international transgender advocacy groups and see if they have any literature about it. Print it all out and bring it and tell the doctor you want to do things in a way that is more comfortable for you then show him the "proof" that it will work better your way. Maybe also write up an outline of your transition the way you want to do it, what steps you want in what order and when (if you know), and bring that too. Even just writing it out for yourself could help, but in my experience medical professionals seem to really respond to well-organized lists.

Speaking of lists... My therapist had me and my best friend each write three lists about me, when I was still pre-transition. List one- things I (or he) wanted to change. List two- things I (or he) wanted to keep the same. List three- things I (or he) did not care so much about. The lists included body characteristics (breasts, genitals, facial hair, musculature, fat distribution, etc), personality traits, clothing, mannerisms, hobbies, likes, dislikes, hair styles, anything about myself. We used those lists as a way to talk about what was important to me and what was important to him. On his list #1 there were not many items, but the first one was "being happy" and the second was "stop hurting myself" (I used to self-harm). He really did care for me even when he was arguing against me transitioning. Seeing that on his list was such a powerful thing for me. I do think it was really helpful.

Hi Pixie,

Wow, thanks for that, very helpful indeed, i will do this research that you suggested. You have given me much to ponder. i need to come well armed to the next session.

If only it was as you suggested that he just wanted to make me feel comfortable.  He wanted nothing of the sort.  During the interview i was very aware of how
polite and careful i would have to be in his presence, as my whole future within the program relies mostly on him and for the fact that i have had sessions with him
many years ago and remember quite clearly how his callous and pompous attitude stunned and hurt me.  During the session the other day i reminded him that
i had told him in a letter before the session that i am not out to anyone outside my home and politely asked him if he had kept that in mind. His answer was a short
yes i know that.

Thanks to the help and valuable information i have received here i was able to stop his posturing at one point in the interview.
After telling me the strict requirements of the program he boasted about it, claiming it to be one of the most modern transgender programs in the world
and fully in line with the most up to date programs in Europe.  At this point i told him that i knew this not to be true, that i had read the SOC used by WPATh
and EPATH and that online lady friends from other countries (did not mention which site) were appalled at the archaic strictness of his wonderful program.
He quickly changed course, assuring me that there are plans to introduce SOC fully into the program early in the coming year. He treated me up until then
as an ignoramus who had wandered in off the streets and after it like an annoyed politician trying to find new ways of dissuading and hurting me.

The ideas you have presented to me will give me a chance to arm myself better for the next session, provide me with aces up my sleeve, because he
too cheats at poker. This is what i am up against.  If we reach some amicable working relationship all the better and i will continue to try for that,
but it would be foolish to expect it. i will need to come well prepared to the psychiatrist in early January as well.
My close friend for 25 years is right about me, i am a determined person. 
Happy Holidays to you.

[katrinaw]

Hi Linda, glad to hear that you and the family will spend xmas together. That will provide you with time to  enjoy your family time, chill and prepare for a fabulous 2015... Put the testing and pains of 2014 behind you; remember "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" and you are a very strong and determined girl.

I wish you all my love and thoughts for the holidays...

Hugs and kisses
L Katy 

[lindagrl]

Hugs and kisses to you sweet Katy.  i will do that, yeah 2015 is going to be just fabulous for us girls, i can feel it in my nipples.
May you be graced with love and happiness this holiday season and into the new year, you deserve it girl.
Linda