I dont know my Aunt anymore.....

[devon14]

Hey everyone,

I just don't understand her. I need help because I am feeling super flustered and its affecting my productivity at work today. To give a little back story, this Thanksgiving my Aunt did not allow me or my GF on the grounds that I am trans* and a lesbian. Her reasoning was that they were settling a court case over a custody issue with my cousins kid whom lives with my aunt. She was afraid that if the kid talked about my GF and I that the judge might have a prejudiced among trans* people or among lesbians that he would rule in favor of the opposing party because of that. I found that to be complete and total bull ->-bleeped-<- but whatever. She told me that I was allowed to come over anytime other than when the kid is there, I felt hurt and discriminated against and told her that I don't even know if I want to come over anymore because of this. She then stopped communicating with me for quite a while. Today I reached out to her on FB to see if she changed her tone but instead I got burnt, burnt much harder than I thought I could ever be burnt by one of my family members as all of them have been so great and accepting. Bellow is the chat that I had with her

Athena:

Hello
I just want to know that I still love you very much and dont want to lose you as a contact

Aunt:

Hi there. I also love you very much and don't want to lose contact with you. I was so hurt and disappointed that you would believe your GF's impression of who I am instead of sticking up for me as the person you know me to be. I am NOT prejudiced against any one or any group of people and I tried unsuccessfully to explain to you that I was only trying to protect the custody battle we are in. You cannot legislate other people's option nor can you expect the law to protect you in these matters. Even with laws to protect you they just give alternative reasons for a negative response.  I know this as a woman in the workforce for over 50 years.  I'm sorry if my decision hurt your feelings but we are fighting for our lives with our grandson.

Athena:

I have understood that
and there were no conceptions from my GF that made me behave the way that I did. It was all my decision
Now i want you to keep this to yourself please
what im about to tell you
do you know that my GF is also trans*?
are you there?

Aunt:

Yes. I knew that from the first time I saw her.

Athena:

Really? How?
just curious

Aunt:

She looks more masculine than feminine and since that is your circle of friends it made sense to me.

Athena:

What's "masculine" about her?
And also, please dont assume that people are trans* because they are either dating me or are my friends

Aunt:

No but I have been around a long time and like I said I just knew when I saw her.

Athena:

what about her though, can you give me a specific tell?

Aunt:

No. I am not comfortable telling you as you just seem overly sensitive to anything I say lately.

Athena:

I am not overly sensitive
I just want to know what you think is masculine

Aunt:

I am not going to answer that.

Athena:

Then why tell me it at all?

Aunt:

You asked if I knew and I told you and why.

Athena:

The reason I say this is that telling any trans* person that they are more like their birth sex than their preferred gender is extremely harmful. More times than not I could give you an example of a cis women that has the same exact characteristics of what you think only a trans* person has that you deem to only be a male characteristic.

Athena:

You more than I should know that women come in may different shapes and sizes. Just because you have been on this planet more than I does not mean you have seen every type of cis women on the planet. People usually will base male and female characteristics based off of societal stereotypes.

Aunt:

I am NOT telling Natalie this, I am only telling you and apparently I shouldn't even have done that.  I am signing off as I really not needing lectures today on how I know what I know.

Athena:

I am just trying to have an intellectual conversation with you. This is not meant to upset you in any way shape or form nor is it designed to spark an argument.
Please don't get upset with me about this. Just like you want me to understand your side, I need you to understand my side.

She then stopped sending me messages. I am so confused and upset. I don't want my pent up rage turn into misconception so please tell me what you all think about this. I need people whom are emotionally detached from the event to give me advice from what they see here. I think she is being totally unreasonable, rude, and aggressive. Did she not think calling my GF masculine was going to get a good or nutral response out of me? Did she think that I was just going to be like "yeah, that makes sense." I don't believe her!!! My GF looks in no way masculine and does not act that way either, to have the audacity to tell ANY woman that they seem or look masculine is just so disrespectful.....

As always, any advice is highly appreciated.

Hugs,

Athena

[awilliams1701]

I understand how much that sucks. I'm in a situation where I had to cut ties with one sister and my relationship is strained with another.

However one of my sisters adopted a girl and she went through hell to get that to go through. She is in an unusual situation because her husband is gone half a week at work and home the other half a week. He's in the border patrol and it takes hours for him to reach his assignment. As a result of this it makes more sense for him to be out for days at a time then going to work everyday like most people. Because of this situation with him the adoption process was difficult because it "wasn't a normal situation for a little girl to be in".

I know your situation sucks, but I can understand your aunt's side too. Hopefully she means what she says that its just about custody. If it really is, then once its settled she should change her mind. If not, well then you'll at least know the truth. I hope it works out. It took years for my sister to get first get her girl and several more years to finalize the adoption. Hopefully it won't take you that long to fix things with your aunt.

[devon14]

I understand how much that sucks. I'm in a situation where I had to cut ties with one sister and my relationship is strained with another.

However one of my sisters adopted a girl and she went through hell to get that to go through. She is in an unusual situation because her husband is gone half a week at work and home the other half a week. He's in the border patrol and it takes hours for him to reach his assignment. As a result of this it makes more sense for him to be out for days at a time then going to work everyday like most people. Because of this situation with him the adoption process was difficult because it "wasn't a normal situation for a little girl to be in".

I know your situation sucks, but I can understand your aunt's side too. Hopefully she means what she says that its just about custody. If it really is, then once its settled she should change her mind. If not, well then you'll at least know the truth. I hope it works out. It took years for my sister to get first get her girl and several more years to finalize the adoption. Hopefully it won't take you that long to fix things with your aunt.

The whole calling my GF masculine makes me wonder if I want to be around her any longer.

[awilliams1701]

That's up to you. In my case after one of my sisters had a "I'm a pastor's wife (unpaid by the way) therefore I'm holier than thou and get to judge you" conversation with me three times I told her to leave me alone. From what my parents have told me, she's slowly coming around. I think "space" has been good for us and I'm hoping to reconnect with her in the future. Maybe space would be good for you and your aunt.

[suzifrommd]

There isn't much you can do when someone thinks it's OK to rationalize excluding someone because they're trans while at the same time claiming they don't discriminate.

Your choice is how much contact you want with her. You can decide to cut her out of your life or to have casual contact. What you can't do is change her or change her attitude.

I'd recommend that if you do decide to be around her, discussing your gender identity or that of your girlfriend is probably going to be counter productive. If you are unhappy about something she says or does, say so, and then leave it at that. If she wants to be defensive, that's her choice - you've at least let her know how you feel.

Hugs, Athena. You ARE being discriminated against, and that can really hurt.

[Cindy]

To be honest this sort of discrimination is the hidden kind.

"I thought that drag queen in the song contest was cute - you see I'm not prejudiced"

Oh I accept that you think you are a girl and I love you, but honestly do you you think it is normal to have a trans 'girl' friend.

It is subtle and difficult to fight because I think that often they, the perpetrator do not see the discrimination.

I feel that they are being accepting - but they have never understood.

A bit like the parents of the young girl who killed herself, but her parents are still seeing her as their son.

Like Debbie's parents who buried her as their 'son'.

We have to get people to see with their 'id' and not with their eyes. Not sure if  have expressed that well.

How to overcome it?

I have no idea.

I'm accepted, as I think are others, as a transgender woman; not a woman, a transgender woman. There is no maliciousness in this, but it hurts and is discriminatory.

How do we change this?

Oh well 2015, gird the loins and join the fight.

In the mean time love your girl friend and let her love you. Because that is all that matters.

Cindy

[devon14]

I have decided to cut communication with my Aunt. I do not condone her arrogant ignorance nor do I intend to be around someone whom speaks in such a disrespectful manner about trans* women. I am "no longer that chained up little person" whom will just let people abuse me in any way. I've already let that happen to me for the past 15 years. This is hard but nothing I'm not capable of living through.

[DanielleA]

Hi Athena, I have been trying to reply to this post all day. This is purely my oppinion but I feel that it should be said. I think that you shouldn't cut ties with your aunt just yet. I hear what you are saying about your aunt appearing disrespectful to you and your girlfriend and I would feel the same way but then writes that she loves you and doesn't want to cut ties with you either. I know that being in transition and having that validated is a very important thing but they still have you, the other issue is losing your cousins kid

It seems like there is a really big issue going on with the court custody thing and I bet that the whole family is stressed over it. My aunty had the same issue with her son having a custody battle, so I have seen it playing out infront of me. It is a very stressful thing that can make people say/do rash things without concidering how it could be affecting other family members. Is there a way to open the conversation lines? I usually enter an issue trying to make all paricipants get something out of a conclusion.

As for your aunts little inappropriate comments, aunty seems to be insecure with your reactions these days. So I liked what Suzifrommd said about being short and ending that part of the conversation. This will get through to her withought appearing to blow up at her.

[Brenda E]

My general rule is that I always leave the door open for someone to reconnect with me if they so choose.  I'll never be the one to cut a family member or a good friend off, even if they cut me off.  Life's too short.

Leave it as it is.  Give it time.  She might take the opportunity to get back in contact with you at some point, but I'd strongly advise against actively cutting anyone off.

[oneWhoGetsBy]

Any updates on the court case? Just FYI, You're using the word "whom" wrong. You're only supposed to use it when the person you're talking about has an action done to them, not when they are the one doing the action.

I've been in a similar situation as you, but reversed. Someone asked what my opinion of a chemical substance was, and I answered that it was very dangerous, then he said "I don't care, why are you telling me this?" He cut off all contract immediately.

It's like saying, "I'm going to punish you for partaking in a conversation that I started." She used the right pronouns for your girlfriend too, and knows to keep her opinions to herself when it comes to talking about the actual person to the actual person. FYI it seems like spilt milk to me.