I'm not sure in fact I'm worried

[Cindy]

I'm happy to have this in the public area.

I'm not sure.

The physical part of surgery doesn't frighten me - I'm not sure what part does. I don't think fear is involved.

I'm not sure.

I'm 62 and sure I'm gorgeous, I'm a woman, nothing changes in that. I'll never have a man, unless he is into '->-bleeped-<-s'. Not sure if I want that.

I'm 62. How long can I keep a vagina open? Until I'm 65?

Why bother?

OK I'm Forum Admin; but I'm Cindy.
I'm a rather frightened girl.
Laying my soul open

[April_TO]

Hi Cindy,

First of all, big hugs.

I think it's natural for us to feel this way especially with big decisions like this. I say do what your heart tells you to do.
If the procedure makes you feel complete, satisfied and most of all happy - then do it.
I wish I have something wise to say but do know that you have this community to love you no matter what.

April

[Devlyn]

I think you're just having normal worries about major surgery. We tend to get hung up on the ->-bleeped-<- label more than others do, you know that. Live your life for yourself, no one else.

Hugs, Devlyn

[mrs izzy]

Cindy,
Can we ever say never I think is the question.

As you know I am up there also in age.

Contrarily to many reports dilation is more a inconvience.

I have found that us more mature women handle the whole process way better.

I understand and had a few moments when i thought the same.

I am healed and would not trade mine for anything.

Love you, hugs and with you the whole process.
Izzy

[Eva Marie]

Cindy-

I sympathize with you because I'd be in the same shoes as you - worrying, having second thoughts - if I had that same surgery immediately in front of me. It's major surgery and you have every right to have some concerns right now.

Think back on why you began this journey in the first place, and realize that there is only one more thing standing between you and where you want to get to. Every journey begins with that first step, and eventually ends with the last step - yours has been a long trip, and those final few steps lie before you now - all you have to do is take them and complete that journey. The change you will be making is to rid yourself of a body part that is incongruous with who Cindy is - a part you don't identify with, a part that had caused you grief - replacing it with something that is far more appropriate. 

In your transition - did you ever have second thoughts about what you were doing? and if you did, did those second thoughts turn out to be wrong? Yes? Perhaps it is the same this time too. The brain is very good at making us worry about things that we really should not be worried about.

Very soon you'll be making posts about how your surgery went and griping with the other recently post-op ladies about after care procedures  You will have arrived my sweet dear.

My thoughts will be with you Cindy 

[ReDucks]

Cindy, remember always that the reasons you do this are for YOU, not some future partner.  You deserve to be the woman of your dreams, in all regards, so make a decision that puts you first!

Don't scratch that 'first time' off your bucket list just yet

[Brenda E]

Why bother?

I've always been of the opinion that anyone who does down the road to transition without doubts is probably making a mistake.  We all have doubts - some can be resolved with careful thought, some take a leap of faith, and some are always there.  It's good that you have doubts.  That tells me that you're on the path to making the right decision for you, not just the decision you think you're obligated to make because that's what transgender women are supposed to want.  You're thinking things through, not blindly forging ahead faster than you can safely travel or blissfully unaware of the problems that could lie ahead.

So, it's not the surgery itself that worries you (and nor should it at your age if you're relatively healthy).  From your post, it sounds more like a cost/benefit issue in terms of why you'd put yourself through all that time, effort, discomfort and expense for something that might never be used for its intended purpose or that might not be particularly useful for very long.  You've got over twenty years on me (sorry), and I'm struggling with the same issue: why bother?  I too am unlikely to ever use it for what it's supposed to be used for, and nobody will ever know whether I had it done or not.  I know, as do you, that having it doesn't make me more or less female (or does it, deep down in the backs of our minds?)  From that perspective, I'm thinking of stopping at an orchiectomy.

While I'd love the luxury of going the whole way, the practical side of me just can't justify it at present.  The constant dilation, the fussiness of it all; a bit of a white elephant, to be honest.  Were I twenty years old and able to go out and find plenty of companionship requiring the need for the "correct" genitals, it'd be a different story.  But I'm not - and nor are you (although you do seem to do rather well with the guys, judging from the occasional story you post here.)  Even at forty I'd probably go for the entire package, but there's something I haven't discussed in public here which is going to make it extremely unlikely that I'll ever seek out such relationships again.

Chances are, I'll end up going for the "cosmetic" approach - get rid of the male bits and pieces, and end up with something that looks female and allows me to wear the full spectrum of female clothing, without the need for dilation etc.  In my mind, that would be good enough.  It would take an extremely intimate inspection for anyone to suggest that I'm not actually female.

I've long since given up on the pursuit of perfection in my transition.  If I'm happy and achieve results that are functionally reasonable, then that's where I'll stop transitioning and start living my life.  It's all a compromise.  Yes, it absolutely sucks to have been born with the wrong body and it sucks to have to go through life constantly having to worry about these things, but that's the hand we've all been dealt.

I guess the point of all of this is: if you think the surgery will be fairly useless on a practical, everyday level, and it'll be more trouble than it's worth, don't have it.  If you need it from a mental perspective, then you have little choice but to go through with it.  If it's something you feel you've tumbled into without thinking it through (which I doubt, but stranger things have happened), then you're free to postpone.  But don't discount the intermediate surgery which could give you the appearance and feel you'd like, but without the pain in the backside of dilation (although if dilation is a pain in the backside, you're probably doing it wrong.)

I hope some of this helps.  Listening to the thought process of others in the same(ish) situation often helps me figure things out.

Phew.  Got through that entire long post without ever mentioning the word "vagina".

[Stephanie2]

Cindy's post reminded me that I will be 65 later this month and I have heard that some people older than I am have the SRS surgery. It is the money part that keeps me from thinking that I will have it done. Luckily the thought, even without surgery, to find someone, in my case a cis woman, is not even considered. My reality is to have friends whether they know my little "secret" or not, and live my life the best I can, for whatever time I have left.

[stephaniec]

I'm in the same conundrum . I just turned 63 . If everything was done at the  best time it would of been when I was 18. Here I am seeing the finish line and wondering if things work out where I could get the GRS I'd probably be 65. I've lived with this since 4. I ask myself daily does it make sense given the time left , I still haven't figured it out. Now if some how the opportunity knocked on my door tomorrow and I could get it done within the year I probably would. I'm so much happier now then before though. Time is definitely not on my side. It definitely would be beautiful to be complete, but that damn clock that someone invented won't stop for no one, talk about one of natures most relentless challenges.  The question is whether the benefits are that overwhelming at this stage of life. I talk to my therapist all the time about this , it truly is a conundrum . It's a tough question and I'm still working on it.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Cindy. I feel for you. I'm a bit younger, but had some of the same questions.

For me, I decided I didn't want to die never knowing what it felt like to be shaped like a woman.

I will probably never have a man, can seem to orgasm anymore, put a lot of time into dilating. Despite all that, I'm happy with my decision.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Cindy and happy new year!
I'm just a few years younger than you and only a few months ago was going through the same sort of questioning as you are , including real fear about the surgery itself which was present right until the anaesthetic hit me.

Today, in spite of the fact that it as far more about symbols than anything else I am ever likely to do with it and that dilating is a drag, I am frankly delighted to have taken that step.

I am far happier with my body in its new configuration and it has added that much more comfort to my existence as a woman, both psychological eg. I couldn't see myself living long term as a woman with such an obvious relic of my male past still there and practical eg. the types of clothes I can wear, undressing in public etc.. not to mention how things will be if I am ever hospitalized or anything like that.

However, at the end of the day, whether it be for transitioning itself and/or any of major steps that often go with it like FFS and/or GRS, each of us needs to do our own costs/benefits analysis based on our own hierarchy of needs.

Apparently you still have a few weeks to think it over. Hopefully by the time you get to VJ day, you will be comfortable with whatever you finally decide to do.
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

P.S. If you have seen my posts on the subject, you will have noticed that end of the day my surgery went like a breeze, no complications of any kind and I was more or less back to a normal level of activity after 2 months. No doubt some luck there but I suspect one's overall state of health is an even bigger factor in recovery than age.

[JoanneB]

There is no magic number. Just because you turn 65 doesn't mean the self destruct is activated. As long as you dialate, it will always be there and ready for use.

But you knew that already.

This is THE BIG, no do-overs, no going back step. One trans-woman spent 2 weeks with me playing devils advocate. She also played the devils advocate with me arguing in favor based on everything I knew about her, her life, her hopes, wishes and dreams. It was an intense time. According to some these days her life was already over at 30 something. Twenty some years later she still occasionally has her doubts. But I also know there were PLENTY of times there was absolutely zero doubt it was right for her.

To paraphrase Miss Grace, If you can just push a button to make yourself a perfectly normal male, would you?

I know I sure cannot push it.

GRS was never on my "Must have list". The last thing I ever worried over was a Crocodile Dundee panty check. I also have been lucky to have a somewhat understanding wife. If I do go full-time, she may not stick around and TBH, how I view guys has drastically changed this past year.  How I'll feel in a few years if I make it to 62 may be far different.

[Jenna Marie]

There's always the fact that even if you don't manage to keep the vaginal canal open, you'll still have the vulva and full remodeling down there (and others have mentioned the cosmetic option, with no dilation from the start). I think it's normal to be worried about what you'll be putting yourself through, too; I never considered calling it off, but I was *terrified,* and I freely admit that at times in the first few weeks I regretted ever doing this. It's a short-term cost for a long-term benefit, though, if it helps to see it that way...

[Jill F]

I'll be honest (like I'm ever not) here Cindy,  I am scared sh*tless about taking that next step.  I don't know when it's going to happen or by whom, but the fact is that many times every day I still think what I have is so very wrong that I need it fixed.  I believe it's the only remaining facet of my dysphoria, and I want it to be over with one day.  I have fought this much already, and I'm going to see to it that I win in the end.  I tried to get by with just an orchi, and believe me, things are a lot better, but at the end of the day it wasn't going to be enough.   I was willing to take the chance that it would be, and not having to go through the SRS recovery process would have been nice.   I think it's natural and even healthy to have fears and worries about something so major.  Odds are that we're going to be OK at the end of the day, and this is what I'm holding on to.  Even if there are complications and issues, I am going to win the battle against dysphoria.

You know that some people have this surgery in their 80s? 

You know you're a catch, right?

Hugs,
Jill

[Brenda E]

There's always the fact that even if you don't manage to keep the vaginal canal open . . .

Not sure this is the right thread to ask this question, but what happens if it does close up?  Would that part have to be surgically removed, or can it stay inside as a vestigal vagina with no medical complications?

[ReDucks]

Brenda, I am not a doctor but I did essentially stop dilating for almost 20 years.  I didn't grow shut or anything like that since I did dilate for a year after surgery so the internal bits had healed fully.  Today I have about 90%  depth / width but had to ease back into it over a week or two of daily dilation.  I never had a lot of either depth or width to start with, but I think I could get a bit more back if I had those good dilators from soul source. 

Of course we're all different, but I just wanted to reassure that the neo vag isn't an open wound that would heal shut if left alone too long.

[Jenna Marie]

Brenda : It depends, but in most cases it simply heals closed to some degree (how much varies person to person - some women, like ReDucks reports, don't see much change at all, some lose anywhere from a little to all depth). Unlike a cis woman's vagina, the body is convinced that this shouldn't be there, so it's "fixing" a problem rather than creating a medical issue. The main medical problem for a person with a uterus is that losing the vagina deprives the uterus of its intended connection to the outside world; without that as a complication, there shouldn't be any long-term concerns beyond the obvious.

This is not, of course, medical advice. Brassard advises that after six months dilation can cease and nature can take its course [or not], but in general someone should consult their surgeon and/or doctor before making any decisions or conclusions.

(And I do know of more than one woman who - deliberately or not - stopped dilating after the first few years and did in fact lose most depth.)

[TamarasWay]

I'm 62 and sure I'm gorgeous, I'm a woman, nothing changes in that. I'll never have a man, unless he is into '->-bleeped-<-s'.

So if nothing changes, then I agree.  What bother?

[warlockmaker]

I have these same thoughts as I approach my SRS. Would you even had the slightest doubts if this could happen magically? Its the fear of surgery that overwhelms us and yes you can have sex at 80 and yes you don't need to have depth in you Vj. My mother who passed away at 87 had no problems in this department - she was divorced from my dad (who is 93 and still active). The 60s are the new 50s in this generation. We each find our own paths, we have more hangups as we trsnsition at an older age but OMG what an exciting second life.

[Rachel]

Cindy, hugs

There is not a right or wrong answer. Only you can find what is needed in your heart.

We are here with you and feel your anguish

We care about you and support you.

Sleep on your thoughts, perhaps morning will bring about a different perspective.