Low dose T without transitioning

[WhoMe]

Hello everyone,

I'm middle aged (53)  female-born bodied,  with lifelong dysphoria  that I've just struggled to live past all my life. When I was young I would have transitioned in a second,  but back then (70s and 80s) it was too  expensive and remote for almost all of us. I just lived half my life suicidal,  and the other half enraged,  and covered it all with lots of dissociation from myself. 

The rage faded over time,  but the dysphoria-inspired depression and dissociation never has. Though I've considered transition a few times in the last 10 years or so,  I never have as I  have a partner who is a huge joy in my life and I would not harm our relationship or her for anything - and transitioning would do both. 

So I live my life as I always have - presenting as a "masculine female",  with short hair,  etc.  I truly could never have faked being any more female than this,  but it's been the line  in the sand even as a kid that I would and will not cross (even though it's lost me jobs,  gotten me harassed,  etc). So I'm living  "sort of" my authentic self.

But as you all know sometimes the pain just seems too much.  Sometimes the disconnect between who I know I am and what the world sees and how it treats me is too much.

So I'm pondering again -  is there more I could do to support myself?

And I'm wondering about others experience with low dose testosterone as a female-bodied person.   Does it somerimes help with the depression and dysphoria (As I'm seeing low dose esteogen can at least sometimes help male-body-born people)?

What about body changes on low doses? I'm barely  post menopausal right now,  so I'm not sure how that might work for or against me too?

What about "roid  rage" on low dose T?

Are there herbs or other supplements that might induce a low dose T reaction,  as well?

My goal would be to relieve at least some dysphoria feeling, maybe feel better in my body,  without causing other symptoms that would be problematic (like heart issues or roid rages).

Thanks for your help.

[LordKAT]

The "'roid rage" thing isn't likely a factor even on full dose of T. There are some who have had good luck with a low dose. The thing is, even with a low dose, you will get the changes that come with it, just likely at a slower pace. You can do just the hormone and it has taken much of the dysphoria away for me but you will still be dealing with the 'other people' issue. The best way to handle that is to work with a gender therapist. They can help you with coping mechanisms for dealing with other people and your own issues.

[sam1234]

Have you sat your partner down and explained your problem?

Having low T in a woman's body will make you lethargic and tired. i have a physician at the moment who keeps lowing my testosterone. I feel tired all the time, the hair grown on my face has slowed down and the hair on my legs thin. I'm not sure what would happen if someone had their ovaries and were receiving testosterone.

Low doses of testosterone don't cause rage. They will cause some changes though, so its important to talk to your partner.
Sam1234

[Jameson]

Hello everyone,

I'm middle aged (53)  female-born bodied,  with lifelong dysphoria  that I've just struggled to live past all my life. When I was young I would have transitioned in a second,  but back then (70s and 80s) it was too  expensive and remote for almost all of us. I just lived half my life suicidal,  and the other half enraged,  and covered it all with lots of dissociation from myself. 

The rage faded over time,  but the dysphoria-inspired depression and dissociation never has. Though I've considered transition a few times in the last 10 years or so,  I never have as I  have a partner who is a huge joy in my life and I would not harm our relationship or her for anything - and transitioning would do both. 

So I live my life as I always have - presenting as a "masculine female",  with short hair,  etc.  I truly could never have faked being any more female than this,  but it's been the line  in the sand even as a kid that I would and will not cross (even though it's lost me jobs,  gotten me harassed,  etc). So I'm living  "sort of" my authentic self.

But as you all know sometimes the pain just seems too much.  Sometimes the disconnect between who I know I am and what the world sees and how it treats me is too much.

So I'm pondering again -  is there more I could do to support myself?

And I'm wondering about others experience with low dose testosterone as a female-bodied person.   Does it somerimes help with the depression and dysphoria (As I'm seeing low dose esteogen can at least sometimes help male-body-born people)?

What about body changes on low doses? I'm barely  post menopausal right now,  so I'm not sure how that might work for or against me too?

What about "roid  rage" on low dose T?

Are there herbs or other supplements that might induce a low dose T reaction,  as well?

My goal would be to relieve at least some dysphoria feeling, maybe feel better in my body,  without causing other symptoms that would be problematic (like heart issues or roid rages).

Thanks for your help.

Wow! WhoMe.

You are me, I am you. Same age, same story, same history, seeking the same information and hoping for the same answer.

The only difference I can see in your post is that I am unpartnered, even less reason for me to wait, and I have fully committed to top surgery in the next couple of years, that dysphoria is too much to bear now that I've seen me as others do. I am looking into a hysto for other medical reasons and wonder about the low dose affect on this too.

The dissociation and disconnection has been the thing in my life that has held me together. I didn't have a photo other than DMV for over twenty years. I did not recognize myself in windows or mirrors which I avoided like the plague. I had me in my mind acting and presenting as I felt without really realizing how different it was. A couple of  years ago I had some physical/health changes that made me confront that person in the mirror and it's taken quite a while to acknowledge it is apparently me.

It's been a little while since you posted this, if you are still around, feel free to PM me if you want to have someone similar to talk to.

It's still surreal and I fear the more I accept the image in the mirror the more difficult this will become.

[sam1234]

Both of you must be very strong emotionally. That is a long time to go feeling like there is a barrier between yourselves and life. Have you looked into getting financial help from a transgender site?

Sam1234

[Jameson]

Hey sam1234,

For me it isn't financial. I did several things to make myself feel more comfortable and find a middle road. I changed my name to a male one 25 years ago. I also had a medical problem which led me to being on depo-provera* for 25 years which killed off the monthy cycles greatly diminishing the lower body dysphoria for me. I also worked in an all male field and was accepted as one of the guys. I have always worn male clothing and been pegged as "other' or 'butch dyke' on the street. I grew a thick skin and never saw myself as others did. A pretty complete dissociation in retrospect.

In essence, I did a partial but non-medical transition a long time ago and hung up any thoughts of going further and blocked it out. A couple of years ago events lined up in such a way as to break my shields, so now I begin the rest of the work. I am currently pursuing medical options. It will take a while and I am willing to be patient. I have insurance to cover one step this year, but have to be careful about having them peg me as trans or they will deny coverage. Then next calendar year I can take another step, by the third year my last barrier should be gone and I will take the last step.

It feels good to have at least a rough plan in place. Now I feel like I can go forward with more research in a focused way, and put the steps in place one at a time. I've waited this long, I'm okay with doing this in a methodical way. I have to do this in a way I can be at peace with, so I am.

For me, I don't think it takes much emotional strength to put on blinders. It takes a lot more to remove them.

*I don't recommend this, too many possible problems, I did what I felt I had to at the time.

ETA: 25 years ago there was no internet as we know it today, there were no trans* resources that I was aware of.

[sam1234]

Low dose testosterone in a female body might cause some minor changes. Swelling of the clitoris, possible voice deepening. As far as it helping with your dysphoric feelings, i'm not sure it would. When my T gets too low, I experience depression, hair loss and fatigue.

Actually, it does take emotional strength to do what you have done. To be honest, I don't think I could have gone on much longer without doing something. It came down to getting support from my family or completely giving up. That is just one person though, and people's reactions are individual.

You would have to talk to an endocrinologist to tell what kind of side effects you would have from still producing some female hormones and taking endogenous testosterone at the same time.

Sam1234

[Tysilio]

I'm not sure how I missed this thread. This is my story, too: decades of knowing that my gender didn't align with my body or how people saw me... doing my best to construct a life which would let me be myself without transitioning... and lifelong depression. (And, for a long time, buying in to all that "feminist" BS about trans folk. )

So, a couple of years ago I came waaay too close to committing suicide -- friends and my partner intervened, I did some serious therapy and finally realized that I wasn't this freak outcast, but just a sort of normal -- trans person.

I'm a bit over a year into transitioning. I don't hate myself any more. Life is much better.

For me, I don't think it takes much emotional strength to put on blinders. It takes a lot more to remove them.

This. After you've put that much energy into keeping the blinders in place, removing them is scary. Not least because you're realizing how much you've lost, and that hurts like hell.

[Bimmer Guy]

Have you sat your partner down and explained your problem?

Having low T in a woman's body will make you lethargic and tired. i have a physician at the moment who keeps lowing my testosterone. I feel tired all the time, the hair grown on my face has slowed down and the hair on my legs thin. I'm not sure what would happen if someone had their ovaries and were receiving testosterone.

Low doses of testosterone don't cause rage. They will cause some changes though, so its important to talk to your partner.
Sam1234

Hi, Sam.  I would suggest that it actually depends on the person.  I have been on low dose T since September and have felt much more vibrant and energetic (starting from shot #1).

There was 5 weeks where I was on "full dose" (actually it was too much, trough level was 900!), and I was exhausted all of the time.  I was just about to come out at work and then my job position changed out of the blue one day at a large company, so I needed to go into the next position as female and my voice had just dropped.  Back to low dose I quickly ran.  I am feeling good again.  My HOPE is that when I go back up that I don't feel exhausted again.

Have you ever had a time when your T levels were too high?  Were you exhausted?  I am thinking that you are a good person to ask since you have probably experienced it all over the 20 (?) years that you have been taking T!

Thanks for your thoughts.

[sam1234]

Twenty six actually. My physican, if you could call him one, keeps telling me that my T level is too high. He keeps lowering the dosage. Low T is making me feel lethargic, depressed and fat distribution has changed. I'm looking for another phsycian.

I haven't been in to see that physician since August. He is condescending and I'm not sure if he really understands what a transgender is. I can tell that my level is too low because my body hair has thinned out, as well as the other above symptoms. I  really should have a level taken soon. I feel a great deal of resentment towards the physican i have now.

When I started HRT in '89, I took depo testosterone shots. About seven years ago, I began to have signs of anaphylactic reactions. A few minutes after I would take it, i'd start to cough and feel winded. Having gone through a full blown anaphylactic reaction to penacillin, I told the Dr. I had at the time and he switched me to andraderm patches.

Level of testosterone drop as men get older, men who were born men. The peak is in the late teens early twenties with decreasing levels after that. Next time I have a blood draw, Im asking for a copy. Medical records are technically yours, so you can request test results besides "its too high" or "its too low". I will say, having been through puberty twice, I felt the testosterone much more than the estrogen I had before I transitioned. I don't know if that is everyone's reaction, but it was mine.

Sam1234

[Jameson]

I'm not sure how I missed this thread. This is my story, too: decades of knowing that my gender didn't align with my body or how people saw me... doing my best to construct a life which would let me be myself without transitioning... and lifelong depression. (And, for a long time, buying in to all that "feminist" BS about trans folk. )

So, a couple of years ago I came waaay too close to committing suicide -- friends and my partner intervened, I did some serious therapy and finally realized that I wasn't this freak outcast, but just a sort of normal -- trans person.

I'm a bit over a year into transitioning. I don't hate myself any more. Life is much better.

This. After you've put that much energy into keeping the blinders in place, removing them is scary. Not least because you're realizing how much you've lost, and that hurts like hell.

Thank you for this.

I'm having a very hard time around regret right now, so I hear you on that. It's a lot of years gone and I find myself being (unfairly) resentful of the younger guys who get to have a life. Water under the bridge and all that. I also at the same time am so happy for them! Part of the confusion I guess.

While I can't still taste the gunpowder, it's fresh in my memory as a close call. I'm so glad I'm here and can get some input from guys like you that have a similar backstory. It's reassuring to see that maybe it isn't too late, and maybe I can have some good years after all.

It feels dangerously like hope.

[Jameson]

I am one of those who will want to go in slow, in part to hopefully smooth out some of the bumps in the road and not have such a harsh 'second puberty'. I've been finding some information that I think is pretty good and will talk extensively to at least one Dr and hopefully an endo before making any decisions.

Hey Brett, I'm glad you're getting your dose adjusted to something that works best for you, I've been seeing information that it may be that many guys are on doses that may be too high for them. For folks like me, on the small side, I think it will be especially important to be careful to figure out what is low and what is 'normal' for me.

Given that I'm probably a year out on even starting, I'll be interested in watching how it goes for other folks as they get going.

[Tysilio]

My physican, if you could call him one, keeps telling me that my T level is too high. He keeps lowering the dosage. Low T is making me feel lethargic, depressed and fat distribution has changed. I'm looking for another phsycian.

I haven't been in to see that physician since August. He is condescending and I'm not sure if he really understands what a transgender is. I can tell that my level is too low because my body hair has thinned out, as well as the other above symptoms. I  really should have a level taken soon. I feel a great deal of resentment towards the physican i have now.

It sounds like you have a lot to resent. There is no way your T levels should be so low that your mood is suffering, your fat is redistributing, you're losing body hair, etc. It would be great if you can find another doc who understands treating trans folk. I hope you can do that as soon as possible.

Here's a resource with a list of docs in Indiana who do transition-related care -- I'm sure there are others out there, too.

I'm so glad I'm here and can get some input from guys like you that have a similar backstory. It's reassuring to see that maybe it isn't too late, and maybe I can have some good years after all.

It feels dangerously like hope.

I'm glad I'm here, too -- and especially glad to meet other older guys, whether they've already transitioned, or are just starting out. I think no matter where we are in that process, we have a lot of issues which are very different from those of younger guys; some health-related and some just life-related. It feels really good to connect with y'all.

And yeah, hope itself can be scary when it feels this new. Part of me keeps expecting some shoe or other to drop, but so far, it hasn't.