Oh Jadeyn, honey, no one should have to go through what you are going through. You must feel so rejected and lonely when your wife doesn't treat you the way she used to. I can't imagine what it must feel like every time you compare the way she acts towards you now compared to how things used to be. You must feel crushed! It's no wonder you're having suicidal thoughts.
First off, you did the right thing by posting here. You are reaching out, honey, and that means that you have it in you to make it through this. You are a fighter, and you're not going to let anyone else destroy you. Your life is too valuable. YOU are too valuable. I think you know that. It's just easy to forget when you're feeling crushed.
There's a lot going on in what you wrote. There's so much to talk about, and so many other questions I could ask. But I wanted to just comment on a few things. First, your suicidal feelings. It sounds like your suicidal thoughts are coming from your desperate desire for her to listen to you, to care about you again. I get that. But you have to make a decision that you're going to live through this. You can't kill yourself, okay? You can't. You have a bright future ahead of you. You have so much happiness still in store for you. You just can't see it right now because things feel so crappy. But you can't trust your feelings.
I know how it feels. Yesterday I thought seriously about killing myself too, more seriously than I ever have in my life. For me, it is because my wife will not accept me as a woman. So I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist. If you're not seeing a therapist, I strongly encourage you to see one. If you're suicidal, it's worth it at any price. Anyway, together we created a plan for what I will do if and when I am feeling suicidal again. Then she had me sign it. I think you would benefit from creating a similar plan.
Now, about your relationship with your wife, I know how much it hurts, but you have to realize that you can't control her. She is going to feel about you however she feels about you. Unfortunately, there's a paradox in relationships that the more needy you are, the less the other person wants to be around you, which in turn makes you more needy. I am perceiving a similar cycle between you and your wife.
The way I see it, you have two choices. She's already drifted emotionally from you. She's not coming back on her own. You can either accept that and let her go... the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to heal. Or you can decide that you're going to fight to win her back. What that means is that you decide to stop being needy for her affection, and instead start showing her as much affection as you can. You are frustrated that she is not doing the Love Dare like she should. Unfortunately honey, I think you've got it backwards. She doesn't want to win you back. She's already checked out. And based on what you're saying, I think you can be pretty sure she's seeing someone else. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to be the one doing the Love Dare. That's really hard, I know. So I understand if you can't do it. But here's what you mustn't do... you must not play the victim about how she's not compassionate towards you anymore. You may be completely right, but that's not going to get you anywhere. If you want to start feeling good about yourself again, you're going to have to start being proactive. Decide whether you have it in you to win her back. Otherwise let her go and move on.
Jadeyn, you are a good person and a valuable person. You shouldn't have to be going through this. It's not fair to you, but life is not fair. I believe in you. You have what it takes to make it through this. Get as much help as you can, anywhere you can get it. You're going to make it.
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