I just feel so alone. My wife and I used to be inseparable and she used to cry if we had to be apart. Now she is picking up more and more shifts and I see her less and less. I've been suicidal for about a month now, I've told her I am suicidal. She knows I have the gun. She knows I have a plan. She also found a noose I had made. She's a nurse and she is doing nothing to try to help or make me feel better. Not even a hug. We don't touch anymore. We have been together for over 3 years and just a few months ago things just changed. I haven't changed, she has. I am fairly convinced there is someone else even though she says there isn't. She leaves for work earlier and earlier and comes home later and later. One day she came home 3 hours later and wasn't responding to texts or calls. When I asked her why she said she had been stopped by her manager on the way out and got to talking and she didnt want to be rude and text in front of her while she was talking. I asked her if she realized now how I always feel like I am not important? She said yes.

Our one year anniversary for being married was New Years day and we were supposed to go see the lights and go to dinner. She slept for 32 hours instead. Her birthday was a few days later and she worked the night before and the night of. She texts me when she got off and said that she was going to get breakfast with her coworkers before she left. She had asked to cuddle when she got home before all of this happened and I cancelled my study groups to make that happen since it was her birthday. She ended up coming home and going straight to bed.

At 3am I sent her a long text message just laying out how I felt. Asking why she didn't ask me if I wanted to get breakfast with her on her birthday. Just told her how I felt. I had seen a couple at Starbucks that night and they were just like how me and her used to be. They were making me angry because I want what they have. The way they looked at each other is the way she used to look at me. How they acted is how we used to be. My heart was breaking throughout my study session and I couldn't leave so I had to try to ignore them and their 'I love you's the whole time. I told her about that incident. She ignored all of my texts and still has yet to respond. She's gotten up for a second and I asked her if she was getting up now and she said no, in a few hours when she gets up for work. I guess she's doing days today...We were supposed to get dinner together but that didn't happen. I thought maybe it would happen tonight instead but she won't be home until late. Yet another plan that doesn't work out.

I left the house at 11pm tonight and drove until 2am. She didn't even notice I was gone. I come home and basically stared at the walls. After I get done writing this I will go back to doing the same thing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just take the gun and end it. I have no family. I have no friends since we just moved out of state. I have no one. I am literally alone. I'm always alone anymore. How do I make her love me again? Why did she change so drastically? What do I do about her always being late and me being suspicious that there is someone else. She's mentally checked out. Now she is physically checking out. I have been emotionally abandoned. We haven't had sex in a few months now either. She used to be addicted to me. She used to always want to make love. Now she says she doesn't "have to have it" or doesn't "need" it. I told her its not about needing anything. It's about sharing that deep connection together. It's about losing track of time and everything else and just focusing on each other. I am so lonely and desire human interaction so badly. I want someone to want to touch me. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I want to be happy.

She is always on her phone when we are together. There is no conversation between us anymore. Upon reflecting today I realized that when I told her I was suicidal and trying to stay in control and asked why she acts like she doesn't care that I have the gun and she doesn't try to find it she said if you really wanted to it wouldn't matter because you still have all the pills...Today I realized that she just gave me another option to kill myself. That was her response. No asking why I wanted to or how I felt or anything. It made my stomach tie in knots.

Why does everyone in my life abandon me? Why am I not worth keeping around? I gave her everything, bought her any diamond she wanted, we just bought a house together. I'm broke now and have no job because I am waiting to take my nursing boards and can't find a job here because times are so tough. She hasn't been helping with any of the bills and all the money I had saved is gone. I test at the end of the month and hope I pass so I can start working and make money to help pay the bills and get caught up. We never even argue about money. I'm not like that.

When she had to move a few weeks earlier than me because I had to finish school she decided to buy herself $2000 worth of diamonds before she left home. We had just bought a house and hadn't closed yet and you aren't supposed to make big purchases like that before closing and she does it anyway. I didn't find out till later. She also had gotten a Marina put in for birth control after we had talked about her not doing that. She went behind my back and did it anyway then told me about it after. I had caught her in the past talking to someone behind my back. There's been some ->-bleeped-<-. I have loved her through all of the bs. I don't buy myself anything, much less $2000 pieces of jewelry. She is always getting packages in the mail, she is always buying stuff. I really need help with my car payments but there is no money left by the time she gets it it is gone.

I gave her the Love Dare book to do and she said she was reading it and doing it daily. She had left it on the kitchen table and I had taken it back when she said that so I know she was lying but I didn't say anything about it. I let it go. I think she thought that book was a self reflective type of thing but it's not. It's doing things for your spouse to make them feel appreciated and ->-bleeped-<-...So I am not even worth the time of a 5 second gesture or an I love you.

I keep saying there has to be something that happened that made her change but I can't honestly find anything. Nothing has changed. We have been fine. That is why I think there is someone else. It's the only thing that makes sense. I will kill myself if there is. She is literally all I have in this world.



What do I do...

Please find someone, anyone to talk to.  For your own sake.  You are worthy of love.

I have to concur, please find someone to talk to. There's more going on here than I think you even know. First, realize that you are worthy of love, and by the way, may I say welcome to Susan's. You said you've been on T for a year, does your wife identify as lesbian? Was she supportive of transition?

I too know what it is to live without affection since I told my wife I was trans.

Wish I could give you a big welcome to the family HUG!

Jayden,

Your current situation reminds me of one of my past relationships. It was very hard for each other, and it went on for too long. In my case, we ended up separating. It was the right thing for both of us and it allowed us to continue to grow as individuals.

Keep your mind open to new possibilities. Our lives can get very dark, miserable and lonely. I've found that these moments are usually followed by some period of uncertainty, then a new found happiness and a rush of new opportunities. In a short time, I'll nearly forget about the bad times, or I'll re-frame it as a learning opportunity. I cherish the good times that we shared. Perhaps we should have moved on earlier, and in our attachment to each other, we tried to force the relationship after it had expired, leading to ugly outcomes.

You sound like a wonderful person. Sometimes relationships just don't work out, but that is ok, we must be honest with each other and make a plan to move forward. Have you both spoke about the possibility of separating? Mind you, it doesn't need to be permanent. Sometimes I don't understand how much I loved or valued something or someone until I lose them.

Whatever you choose to do, please, please, do not harm yourself. If she is not appreciative of your love, that is her loss. There is someone else on this planet who will. Right now they are probably going through a similar darkness and loneliness. Your life and your love are the most precious gifts.

I understand you just moved, and you are lacking a social network. Think about your hobbies/interests. Perhaps there is a meetup group in your area, or maybe you could somehow find other people interested in the same thing. Take a chance, get out there and you will find the person you need to find/they will find you.

Also, I am available to chat. Though I'm not always around a computer, feel free to send me a PM if there's anything you would like to talk about in private. I will be sure to check at least once a day.

With love,
Joan

Jadeyn, is it possible your wife is keeping distance because you revealed your suicidal ideation?

Oh Jadeyn, honey, no one should have to go through what you are going through. You must feel so rejected and lonely when your wife doesn't treat you the way she used to. I can't imagine what it must feel like every time you compare the way she acts towards you now compared to how things used to be. You must feel crushed! It's no wonder you're having suicidal thoughts.

First off, you did the right thing by posting here. You are reaching out, honey, and that means that you have it in you to make it through this. You are a fighter, and you're not going to let anyone else destroy you. Your life is too valuable. YOU are too valuable. I think you know that. It's just easy to forget when you're feeling crushed.

There's a lot going on in what you wrote. There's so much to talk about, and so many other questions I could ask. But I wanted to just comment on a few things. First, your suicidal feelings. It sounds like your suicidal thoughts are coming from your desperate desire for her to listen to you, to care about you again. I get that. But you have to make a decision that you're going to live through this. You can't kill yourself, okay? You can't. You have a bright future ahead of you. You have so much happiness still in store for you. You just can't see it right now because things feel so crappy. But you can't trust your feelings.

I know how it feels. Yesterday I thought seriously about killing myself too, more seriously than I ever have in my life. For me, it is because my wife will not accept me as a woman. So I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist. If you're not seeing a therapist, I strongly encourage you to see one. If you're suicidal, it's worth it at any price. Anyway, together we created a plan for what I will do if and when I am feeling suicidal again. Then she had me sign it. I think you would benefit from creating a similar plan.

Now, about your relationship with your wife, I know how much it hurts, but you have to realize that you can't control her. She is going to feel about you however she feels about you. Unfortunately, there's a paradox in relationships that the more needy you are, the less the other person wants to be around you, which in turn makes you more needy. I am perceiving a similar cycle between you and your wife.

The way I see it, you have two choices. She's already drifted emotionally from you. She's not coming back on her own. You can either accept that and let her go... the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to heal. Or you can decide that you're going to fight to win her back. What that means is that you decide to stop being needy for her affection, and instead start showing her as much affection as you can. You are frustrated that she is not doing the Love Dare like she should. Unfortunately honey, I think you've got it backwards. She doesn't want to win you back. She's already checked out. And based on what you're saying, I think you can be pretty sure she's seeing someone else. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to be the one doing the Love Dare. That's really hard, I know. So I understand if you can't do it. But here's what you mustn't do... you must not play the victim about how she's not compassionate towards you anymore. You may be completely right, but that's not going to get you anywhere. If you want to start feeling good about yourself again, you're going to have to start being proactive. Decide whether you have it in you to win her back. Otherwise let her go and move on.

Jadeyn, you are a good person and a valuable person. You shouldn't have to be going through this. It's not fair to you, but life is not fair. I believe in you. You have what it takes to make it through this. Get as much help as you can, anywhere you can get it. You're going to make it.


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I would talk to your therapist for your own mental health.

You said you did not change. I said that and so many others did the same.

We did change in there eyes. We are no longer there husbands but there female spouse.

Work on keeping yourself safe first.

See if your wife will go to her own therapist

Work on what is the marriage about. Will it last or end.

Ending a marriage is hard but life will go on. Lots of tears but you will get past and move on if not meant to be.

Stay safe, walk softly and sit down with your therapist and work on your health.

Hugs

Jayden,

Trust me, a failed or failing marriage is nothing to end your life for!

I've been married 10 years and I'll give you a dirty little secret - they aren't perfect! Nope, not even people who have all the money in the world and not a care. Even they do have broken or failed marriages. It's just the way it is, human beings are fickle, and, well, human!

My parents had a messy divorce when I was 10, and the fact that I was about to start icky male puberty wasn't really helping either. I don't even know if my marriage will survive due to her non-acceptance of my transition. I'm not going to end my life over it. How else am I going to enjoy my new life?

My first marriage was a train wreck of flaming fuel tankers. She insulted me about nearly everything and nearly had me deported. Secretly though she was envious that I was such a go getter and put her to shame. She didn't even have a driver license due to laziness. I got a stable job, went to school and made my own way. But I tried to kill myself multiple times. I also was dealing with the gender issues and that helped fuel the attempts. I chickened out. Now I have a new wife, three kids and I'm transitioning to resolve my gender issues.

What better way to say FU to someone hurtful than to be successful in life despite her trying to bring you down?

So yes there is life at the end of the tunnel!