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Random thoughts, Rant-ish, i don't think this needs a trigger warning

Started by K Style Addiction, January 18, 2015, 10:36:21 AM

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K Style Addiction

In advance sorry if this needs a trigger warning, but i didn't really think this needed one.

I'm tired, i'm poor, it's nice i still have a house to the threat of being homeless is ever looming and it scares the hell out of me.

I hate that, i hate that i have to live under those conditions, it's a risk every ->-bleeped-<-ing month. This one is very trivial but i'm playing a video game i love and i'm horrible at it thus not being able to finish it, that sucks.

I hate my face, i look at my avatar everytime i come to this website and i see the face of a man, with masculine features especially my jaw. It kills me, it's pretty funny because when i took the picture i felt i looked amazing, i feel like people look at me and judge me although it's mainly glance's, it's also a bummer no one (out of here) thinks i'm pretty, i love you all but it's the real world i have to deal with, hell, i do get told i'm pretty and haven't been called the wrong pronouns except once.

Makes me wonder though living in a place like San Francisco, are they just that liberal, with a sense of liberal pity or are is that who they really see me as. My mother is beautiful, i feel i got screwed here hell whatever.

I also really hate my f'n shoulders, i wish they would just get narrow and stop being as$holes, ugh.

Transphobia tires me, it get's better, it's getting better that's all fine and dandy but i don't see complete freedom in my lifetime and that feels like a waste of life, damn...i'm sick all the time too.

My mom, i love her to death but she's so cranky nowadays, just a year ago she was my rock, a smiling face that always told me to be positive and to smile after june it seems the roles have changed and i hate it.

let's see, well that seems to be all folks...oh and my poetry sucks, everytime i try to create something it just fails or i'm the only one that thinks it's a great idea, silly foolish girl.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.

Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage
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K Style Addiction

I'm aware the complaints about my appearence is dysphoria and lack of sleep but it feels like hell.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.

Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage
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Dee Marshall

I get you, Donna, it sucks to feel strongly things about your looks that you KNOW aren't true. Knowing it isn't true makes it worse, not better, doesn't it.

You're a beautiful woman, we've all told you, you've heard us and you seem to believe it for a time. Doesn't help, so I'm gonna tell you something different. You're a beautiful PERSON, you're caring, and loving, and you show real concern. If I can emulate you in that way, even if I end up looking like Fred Gwynne in a dress I know I'll be content.

Feel better sweety and know we all cherish knowing you.
April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!
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K Style Addiction

QuoteYou're a beautiful woman, we've all told you, you've heard us and you seem to believe it for a time. Doesn't help, so I'm gonna tell you something different. You're a beautiful PERSON, you're caring, and loving, and you show real concern. If I can emulate you in that way, even if I end up looking like Fred Gwynne in a dress I know I'll be content

I have a dr. jekly and mr.hyde moment with how i feel with my looks, sometimes i think i look gorgeous though i fear i'm getting cocky, being dumb with nothing to be cocky about than other times like now, i think well damn i'm nothing.

I don't want to be nice and caring, in the past it's got me mistreated, i hate that :'( also i really want to be pretty i don't know if i sound like a psycho or a narcisist (i know i misspelled that), but i don't know what it's like looking in at me (as a person and appearence).

I just want to be attractive for myself so i can feel like i did good.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.

Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage
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suzifrommd

Hugs, Donna.

About the sucky poetry: Luckily poetry doesn't have to be good. It just has to be honest.

About the rest of it all: When I read your post it struck me that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. What you're dealing with at a young age (money probs, issues with mom, dysphoria and body image, depression) is more than a lot of people deal with in a lifetime. Remember that. You are strong.

I'm always here to listen.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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suzifrommd

Quote from: Donna Troy on January 24, 2015, 06:52:34 AM
why can't my mind let me have peace.

Depression and stress are powerful adversaries. You're facing both.

The best I can give you is what works for me. When stress and anxiety have me in their grip, I pray for peace. I'm not religious so I pray to my inner strength. It works just as well. If I really ask for it and really want it, I nearly always get it.

Depression is harder, because it's more of a physical thing. Trying to think of ways of bringing other people joy helps me, as does remembering times recently that I was not depressed, which reminds me that moods are cyclic; just because I'm feeling lousy today doesn't mean I always have and always will.

Quote from: Donna Troy on January 24, 2015, 06:52:34 AM
Is this my imagination or are there really ugly spots on my forhead?!?!?!

In all honesty Donna, I don't see anything in the pictures you post. I wish my skin looked as good as yours.

Quote from: Donna Troy on January 24, 2015, 06:52:34 AMI know everyone thinks i'm an idiot who makes a big drama about everything, sorry i wish it would just end as if the other problems aren't bad enough i can't not be a psycho for one day...

Anyone who thinks you're an idiot is missing out on a special person who is beautiful both on the inside and out.

I understand. Finding a way to love yourself in the face of depression is hard. But the beauty and specialness are there, believe me.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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