Hi ChiGirl,
Three years ago I began my journey to my authentic self. I was not taking hormones, nor was I in therapy, I was reading all I could find and trying to locate myself under all the fat. Running and walking and biking and diet have made a huge difference, and for me was necessary before I entered the psychic space to transition. Still my wife pulled most of the manipulative strategies you describe. We began couples therapy and I was screamed at, my gender identity denied, and one night I was assaulted. The insistence that I had mislead her and the description of me as a betrayer of her trust Had me questioning both my motives and my integrity.
All those behaviors were fear driven, and I bought into her issues for most of a year. She was certain that she would be laughed at as the spouse of a transexual freak. She was afraid that her future would be alone, that my decision to transition was crazy, that I would never be accepted as a woman and that she would always be a victim of my search for self. She is not a victim, and her fears need not be mine. I did not mislead, nor did I betray. I lived with the best understanding that I could muster at the time. The betrayal portrayed was to choose life over continued sadness and depression. That is not betrayal, that is survival.
I've been on HRT for thirty months, living full time for eight. We are separated and the divorce will be complete sometime over the next few months.
She is still alive and beginning to even treat me with courtesy. She will never use my name, she will never call me by my gender. But that is not my issue. I am no longer invested in her rage, hurt, perception of betrayal or anything else. It all passes, it is her burden and no longer mine. You are not mentally ill. You are a soul seeking yourself. Keep seeking.
Living authentically is a pilgrimage to self. Like all odysseys it has many detours and may change in nature or scope as it goes along. There is no one path, there are no fixed milestones. For most of us this is not a choice, it is existential. For decades I felt lonely, angry, different and afraid. I knew for sure that I was either wrong, bad, or crazy. Those were all lies. I live a lovely beautiful life.
Transition has cost me much of my family and nearly a half million dollars. So it goes. I am the woman, friend, lover, person that I have always dreamed of being. I am sixty-two years old and finally finding the voice of the girl within. She is kind, honest, and she is me.
You will find yourself, trust it and walk through the fear. You have help here, you have yourself to discover.
Peace,
Julie
