Hello,
This is my first post on these boards, but I've been reading them for some time now. I'm a guy -- 23 years young -- and having a hell of a time dealing with finding my identity. Pull up a chair and listen to my brain dump.
So I've "known" all my life that I wanted to be a girl, much as I'm sure most people here "knew" they wanted to be a different gender when they were growing up pre-adolescence. It was, without a doubt, on my mind as a child, but easy to ignore. Then came high school. By the time I was in my late teens, I was still able to ignore it most of the time, but whenever I saw the girls hanging out with each other I felt a deep, dark pit grow in my stomach. It was envy and sadness to the point of nausea. But I still hid it just fine. I kept to myself, hung with some friends, avoided situations that would "trigger" it as best I could.
Then came college. Growing up in a small Minnesotan suburb of less than 3,000, I was not accustomed to the sheer number of people I would come into contact with -- nor the diversity. I was always a shy guy (and still very much am), so I mostly kept to my dorm room. To this day I cannot recall somebody's name from college that wasn't a professor -- and I graduated a year ago. I remember seeing, every now and then, mtf trans people transitioning, and I felt that same envy, but also a sort of relief, as if I had some sort of hidden comradery with them, or perhaps I was living vicariously through them. I also felt fear. A very real, very edgy fear that gnawed at my stomach until I developed an ulcer. It was the fact that this might very well be me.
Growing up, I've always been the sort of person that emphatically cared what people thought of me. I can recall, in my mother's voice, countless times of, "Stop worrying about what other people think!" But, alas, I care. I care a lot. And that's the fear that I'm sure others have when it comes to thoughts of transitioning. What will people think of me? What will they say? How will my family feel? What about my nephew? My niece? My friends? My doctor, my neighbor, my mailman, my baker? The thoughts of sometimes inconsequential people in our lives are tremendous and impactful. Perhaps they rule my life, but it's been an alright life.
I came out to my parents less than two years ago, during my Junior year in college, about having these trans thoughts that would not go away. I told them I had them all my life. My mom, in the most embarrassing manner embraces the notion. My father seemed... aloof at best, but certainly not negative. I went to one Trans* & Ally meeting during that year, and I was so overwhelmed that I never went back, shunned the thoughts, and decided to focus on my slipping Computer Science major (spoiler alert: I dropped it and went for English.)
Sometimes I wonder where in my life it came from -- or where it comes for any of us. My name, my actual male name, is Madison. In fact, during my Trans* & Ally experiment, the moderator of sorts asked if I had done anything to transition, other than changing my name and grow my hair out. I couldn't help but laugh. I had long hair for years, and I did not do so consciously to appear more feminine.
And now, here we are, one year removed from college, one year unemployed save for sparse freelancing jobs (mostly unpaid), and one year into a relationship with a woman, halfway across the country, that I love. And, like clockwork, the thoughts are coming flooding back to me. I'm not normal like this. Is this really how I want to live the rest of my life, as a man? But then the guilt, the fear. What about your girlfriend? She has given her life to you, even if you are hundreds of miles apart. What about your ten year-old nephew? He looks up to you -- he has no father for that. What of the family line? You are the only male. Even my name Madison H. B. IV, is of male descent. And even if I can throw all of that out of my mind and focus on myself, what of how I will feel during transition, and how will people see me? Small towns in MN are notorious for their cliquey and closed-doors demeanor to outsiders, or people who are different (think Main Street by Sinclair Lewis.) Could I, somebody so attuned to and affected by the opinions of others brave that journey? I'm a man of little money, so I doubt I could ever "pass" as female with very few surgical or therapeutic options available to me.
But I don't know if I can avoid it anymore, either. I think about it every day, but it comes in waves in its severity. Right before I came out to my family and one friend, two years ago, I had tried to kill myself. My life was in so much conflict, and I'm beginning to experience that same frustration again. My parents have already warned me that if I don't get better soon, they'll be taking me to some sort of clinic for my depression (I'm already "lightly" medicated.) And all this time, I know my youth is ticking away. I know that it gets harder to transition as you age. I have deep regrets that I couldn't convince myself to come out pre-adolescence, but I was just a kid. I didn't know.
So, in short, I'm terrified. Terrified of considering transitioning -- I'll lose friends, my beautiful girlfriend (thinking of the pain it would cause her is heart-wrenching, of course), possibly the respect of my nephew, and other strained relationships. I'm terrified of NOT transitioning -- will the thoughts go away, subside with age? Or will they continue, in the manner in which they already have, increasing in severity, until I, God forbid, end myself.
I apologize for the long post -- I know I am no special snowflake on these boards. This is not a unique experience -- but I had to indulge my late-night melancholic self. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in terms of replies: perhaps advice as to what I need to do? Is there a way to lessen this pain of dysphoria, will it fade, or is it possible to not transition? That very well may be unanswerable, but I ask it regardless. Any advice would be wonderful -- I'm nearing the end of my rope.
Sorry if this hastily written post seems cold and devoid of emoticons -- I just had to get it all out there!
Regards,
Madison
