Did anyone else think like me?

[XiaoMei]

It hit me yesterday, because of course I always suspected I was transgender when I was 13 onwards and finally accepted it when I was 17, I'm 21 now.

The point is, when I was a child (12-13 years old) I remembered that I got along with girls very well, but it wasn't just that. We'd think alike and share the same things in common. I'd have the same wants and needs that a girl wanted, so I had assumed that it was possible for other boys to be as sensitive as me, and that they wanted the same things as me, but were just "trying too hard to be a man" or something like that. I'd see them showing off, or talking about girls (literally talking about sex). Most girls wanted to hold hands, or hug, etc, I wanted to do the same. Growing up into teen hood I despised sex because other males were obsessed with it - at this time I noticed I was different because everyone started calling me gay. When I searched up what I was online, I remember crying for hours over it. I denied it and tried to remain as a boy (until I was 17) but how could I? Anything that "men we're suppose to do" upset me.

So I always thought that these boys were trapped in the male stereotypes and wouldn't just be more like me. I wondered "why try so hard? Be normal, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to play with these dolls if you like, what's the problem?"

Even up to yesterday I got offended over the littlest thing that regarded the male gender because I felt it wasn't true, because it doesn't apply to me. The book Men Are From Mars, Women Are a From Venus offended me so much because of the quotes from it, the male ones didn't match me at all.

That's when it hit me however, yesterday, I knew I was transgender, and knew I didn't want to be a boy, but it didn't truly hit me until Yesterday.

Cisboys would not think like me, because I am Transgender. Once I accepted that I wasn't a boy at all, that my thinking is completely different from a boys, that's when I got less offended by these things. Thinking back on it, I feel like a fool.

Girls and Boys ARE different... I was always telling everyone how we were the same because I have the same thinking as a girl, the same mindset as a girl, and the same wants and needs as a girl. So I believed, I truly believed that boys and girls were no different from each other, and that the reason why we "think" a specific way was because I thought boys were forced to act stronger, and forced to do all of these things. In other words I thought girls were the only ones that were allowed to do whatever they wanted, and Boys were forced to do something specific.

I was wrong... For so many years I was wrong... It kind of breaks my heart now realizing that we are truly not the same. I guess when I was a child I was in denial about being transgender? Perhaps I created my own assumption that we were all the same and all thought a like to escape it?

Though, it does make me realize even more then ever that I can't stay in this body, because now realizing that girls and boys are truly different - there's no more reason for me to stay in this body. I must have been delusional all these years.

I still remember numerous of people, I can think of hundreds, online and offline that have repetitively told me "girls and boys are not the same". I always got so offended over that - especially when a few trans people told me this, I was like "How could you say that?!" But now I finally understand.

It kind of makes me depressed thinking about the past now, because I was so sure that I was right, and I wondered why no one else had figured it out that boys were forced to do things they didn't want to do. The fact is... No one could figure it out because they weren't forced. They love the things they do. I was just trapped in the wrong body.

Wow... When you think you already accepted yourself and then you realize you still had a bit to go.

Do any of you share the same experience I had as a child?


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[kelly_aus]

As a general answer, my childhood was fairly gender neutral, apart from having more female friends than was perhaps normal for a boy my age. I was 12 when I realised I was trans, I've known I was a woman all along - just the tricky bit of acceptance didn't happen for another 22 years. Once I'd accepted what I knew, there was no stopping and no going back.

Girls and Boys ARE different... I was always telling everyone how we were the same because I have the same thinking as a girl, the same mindset as a girl, and the same wants and needs as a girl. So I believed, I truly believed that boys and girls were no different from each other, and that the reason why we "think" a specific way was because I thought boys were forced to act stronger, and forced to do all of these things. In other words I thought girls were the only ones that were allowed to do whatever they wanted, and Boys were forced to do something specific.

You think like a girl because you are a girl.. If boys and girls really were the same, I suspect dysphoria would be much less of an issue.

[XiaoMei]

I think dysphoria would've been less of a problem as well if boys and girls were the same.

So, were you like me in the sense that you "accepted it" but not truly until a specific point?


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[suzifrommd]

Do any of you share the same experience I had as a child?

Exactly the same, XiaoMei. As a kid I assumed because I wasn't like other men, in fact I was more like women, then all the characteristics society assigns to men must be mythical. However I now know I was never really a man, and the fact that I never fit in with men (despite not knowing I wasn't one) leads me to believe that they are indeed different from us.

[XiaoMei]

Exactly the same, XiaoMei. As a kid I assumed because I wasn't like other men, in fact I was more like women, then all the characteristics society assigns to men must be mythical. However I now know I was never really a man, and the fact that I never fit in with men (despite not knowing I wasn't one) leads me to believe that they are indeed different from us.

Right! I also thought it was mythical! Not sure why I didn't use the word mythical because that matches what I was saying!

Before this topic I still had little doubts from the back of my mind about changing my gender, but seeing that you've shared the same experience as me gets rid of that small doubt of mine.

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On a side note, yesterday I was speaking to my friend about relationships and if it's possible to love someone romantically without the sexual needs, she said to me "How can you be attracted to women? You want the same things as a girl wants" which is true, I have the same wants and needs as a girl, but she continues and says "You don't want to be a boy, and you don't want to take responsibilities as a man, because you are not a man, you want the responsibilities as a woman". This made me more sure of my gender.

It's hard for me to be attracted to women because every girl I've ever come across has the idea of men raising a family or something like that, it makes me sick to my gut every time. Because I don't want to be forced into that role - I want to choose my role!!

I feel I am more emotionally attracted to women, but not romantically. Though I do find, for my needs, it's easier to fall for men romantically in my opinion. But it's hard because of my out look on men (terrible past with men).

I know it's different for everyone because of sexuality, I'm just expressing my experience.


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[littleredrobinhood]

My beliefs have gone the other way, honestly.

I used to associate genders with everything - emotions, mannerisms, interests and hobbies.. And those beliefs really held me back in acknowledging my own identity. I'd have feelings of "wanting to become a man (physically)", change my name, be referred to by "he" instead of "she", etc - but beyond that? I'm far from being "manly". I've always been a very emotional person, I've always had feminine mannerisms and interests, I get along better with women than men, etc.. And those rigid views I had on gender would cause me a lot of conflict.

I still haven't entirely worked out my identity.. but I've learned that men can be all those things I described, which for me was a big relief. I felt less like a crazy person who somehow tricked them self into thinking they're a man.

[XiaoMei]

It's a relief to me as well, but at the same time, it still makes me sad because I still partially feel that we are all equal. Though it still makes it a lot easier for me to transition if I put aside that females and males are equals.


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[Ptero]

Interesting topic !

I've always been thinking that there isn't any difference between men and women. And I feel hurt when somebody says that girls are like this and boys are like that.

But, it hit me reading your post, XiaoMei, that it's somehow absurd to feel agender if I think there isn't any difference between genders...
I'm still trying to make all that clear...

Thanks for this opportunity to get to an important question !