New here - coming out to wife tonight -nervous

[DanaDane]

I have written an email/letter telling my wife how I have struggled with my gender all my life. 

We have lately been talking about letting me dress in some things at home.  This is a much needed gateway to a conversation. 

She is very on the fence about things.  She is very much into the "do what is normal" viewpoint on life. 

After my long trip across the state home, I will sit her down before our movie and have her read what I have written.

I don't know what my future holds.  The wife is the gateway.  The rest of my world gets even tougher after that. 

[Tessa James]

Welcome to Susan's Place Dana,

Lots of people here that are married or with significant others who can understand your worries.   You do have so much to look forward to and your conversation is starting.  Congratulations on a big step and good luck.

I appreciate how many people here share their experience so that others can learn along the way.  Hope we here more about yours.

[Eveline]

Good luck, sweetie!

Just remember that it's normal for her to have a whole range of emotions on hearing this.

You will feel like the one who needs support - and so will she.

Not easy for either of you, but if you can be kind and loving as she works through her feelings, you will be glad you did later.

[ChiGirl]

I came out to my wife last week and while I wish I could change the way I did it, I am so glad I did.  I feel a weight has been lifted from me.  She may be supportive, mad, confused, mad, scared, or mad, but the honesty is so important.  Did I say mad? [emoji13]

Remember, you've been dealing with this for years.  It's new for her.  Make sure you have resources for her, but don't push her to understand or not be angry.  Keep communication open and honest, but avoid adding too much information.  You don't want to overload her.  Most important, give her time. 

Good luck and hugs.  Remember, you are not alone.  Let us know how it went. [emoji106]

[ImagineKate]

My wife still can't get over it. It's as if I joined a gang or cult or something. She shuns me a lot. But we are still working through it and we've made a lot of progress. It used to be fights every night and we even slept separately for a while. Now none of that and we're back to sleeping in the same bed. But our relationship has absolutely changed. Where it will go is anyone's guess but we're working through it.

[JoanneB]

I hope dropping the T-Bomb went as well as to be expected. It is never easy for an SO. THe way I look at we spent a lifetime trying to sort it out and BARELY have a handle on it. Imagine how it must be having it essentially dropped in your lap!

The whole unknowns of totally defining the marriage, the image of who you are, the feelings of betrayal, being lied to. Feeling that "I should have seen the signs". "If I only knew I would never have...." are overwhelming. There are a thousand questions you cannot really answer. It's tough, for you both.

My wife and I after a good 5 years are still dealing with these issues. And she knew for over 30 years that I had GD. She thought I was "Just a CD", I saw it as CD++. Next lifetime perhaps I'll have better luck. But as you saw, it does not go away, only really gets worse if you ignore it.

What has kept us together is plenty of brutally difficult honest and open talks. (BTW- sharing such feelings and emotions were a totally foreign concept for me). Though difficult for me, I knew I needed to for the 'Us'. Difficult for us both was avoiding TMI. There are plenty of raw totally unfiltered emotions being let loose. The strength of the bonds of love for eachother will be tested. What is said must not be allowed to fester. Yet that time is not one for heated debates or lashing out being hurt. - Even more talks later.

[DanaDane]

Well,  I have to say that the experience went better than expected. 

We sat and talked and I laid almost everything on the table.  She was receptive and kind. 

Her level of support has been great.

I have started therapy in hopes to get "my letter".   My wife knows this and even before she listed her fears I was ready to answer them and provide her with a good response. 

My therapist asked how she is handling it and my only response was that for Valentine's Day and my birthday she has bought me panties and a cute nightie to sleep in.  During the session (this was during the day on 2/14) I had said that what she does for these two occasions would tell all. 

Last night, after the Child was in bed, I walked around the house in a pink cami, a cute pair of panties and knee high socks.  She said that it was a little odd seeing me in the cami.  She could handle the panties because I used to wear boy undies that were very similar.  She said that it will take time. 

Her support has been amazing and she has told me she has no plans on leaving me.  She doesnt want me to have any surgeries and I need to be mindful of the children.   Her support has drawn me to her in a way that I have never experienced.  I can truly say that I have never loved her more. 
The only problem is if I get boobs bigger than her I'm gonna get it. 

[ainsley]

Well,  I have to say that the experience went better than expected. 
.
.
.
Her support has drawn me to her in a way that I have never experienced.  I can truly say that I have never loved her more. 
The only problem is if I get boobs bigger than her I'm gonna get it.

So happy for you!
Try not to gain the same size boobs are her or you will never be able to find your bras.  Trust me on that one...lol.

[DanaDane]

Hahaha.  She isn't that blessed in that area.  I have a feeling I'm gonna be in trouble.


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[Stanna]

Dana, I am happy for you that your wife is being supportive and understanding. I just came out to my wife on valentines day, its safe to say she had no idea that was coming, but she has been incredibly supportive and is standing behind me 100%. We have even become closer since I blew her mind that day! So I hope things work out well for you and your wife also. Good Luck!

Hugs, Stanna

[ToniB]

I wish you a happy life together I am working at getting the wife on board myself we have agreed that we will both do our best to get through this as a couple .We have one huge hurdle in that she was brought up in an Irish Catholic area on the falls road in Belfast one of the most bigoted area in the world.but she is making great strides to come to terms with my transitioning.compromises and honesty are key factors in getting through Thais

[alexbb]

apropos of not much, I have a question, for anyone who cares to answer; knowing then what you know now would you get married? ive often wondered how things would be different if id married one of my gfs.
in some respects, being single has eliminated obstacles that might have interfered with transition, on the other, close support and love from another person is never a bad thing. so im curious to see how the other half live as it were.

[Tessa James]

apropos of not much, I have a question, for anyone who cares to answer; knowing then what you know now would you get married? ive often wondered how things would be different if id married one of my gfs.
in some respects, being single has eliminated obstacles that might have interfered with transition, on the other, close support and love from another person is never a bad thing. so im curious to see how the other half live as it were.

That is a really interesting question and reflexively I would say no.   It was not fair to make my burden our life.  And then I have loved this woman a very long time and glad for every minute of that.  Rather than derail the thread I might suggest a new topic?

[ChiGirl]

Dana, sounds like things are going well with your wife.  Hugs!

apropos of not much, I have a question, for anyone who cares to answer; knowing then what you know now would you get married?

No.  Nope.  No way.  If I had any self-awareness of my GD at the time I was dating my wife, I would not have wanted to put her through this.  I was in such complete denial, I never thought it would be an issue ever again. 

[DanaDane]

Dana, I am happy for you that your wife is being supportive and understanding. I just came out to my wife on valentines day, its safe to say she had no idea that was coming, but she has been incredibly supportive and is standing behind me 100%. We have even become closer since I blew her mind that day! So I hope things work out well for you and your wife also. Good Luck!

Hugs, Stanna

Love this!! You don't know how good it feels to hear this.

[DanaDane]

Minor update. 

This have been going great!! My wife and I have a whole new relationship.  It's wonderful.

I have been more open too.  A first for me. 

I've told her openly that I'm purchasing clothes (I am in lovvvve with camis. Oh sweet Jesus)

I bought breast forms, a wig and a sexy pair of heels.  *sigh*

I have even had the opportunity to dress in front of her and last night she picked out jewelry together. 

I have even dressed in front of her.  With forms in. 

Supportive doesn't cover that it surpasses it.  I have fallen in love with her all over. 

Oh and she's agreed to let me move up my HRT appt.

[Tessa James]

Amazing you say minor as that is a totally cool and major turn of events.  how wonderful to have that acceptance early on.  Love love love it!

[Mariah]

Yay that is wonderful news. Minor update though is an understatement though. This huge and I'm so very happy to hear she is so supportive to allow you to do everything your doing. Congrats and Hugs
Mariah

Minor update. 

This have been going great!! My wife and I have a whole new relationship.  It's wonderful.

I have been more open too.  A first for me. 

I've told her openly that I'm purchasing clothes (I am in lovvvve with camis. Oh sweet Jesus)

I bought breast forms, a wig and a sexy pair of heels.  *sigh*

I have even had the opportunity to dress in front of her and last night she picked out jewelry together. 

I have even dressed in front of her.  With forms in. 

Supportive doesn't cover that it surpasses it.  I have fallen in love with her all over. 

Oh and she's agreed to let me move up my HRT appt.

[megan7777]

danadane,

congratulations, to you and my hat off to your wife accepting you, what a gift, and demonstration of true love!!!!


around your child, mind if i ask how old? and are they you and your wife's? have you talked to them about what is going on or waiting till they are older? how are you handling this oart of the family relationship/dynamic?

[CB]

Minor update. 

This have been going great!! My wife and I have a whole new relationship.  It's wonderful.

I have been more open too.  A first for me. 

I've told her openly that I'm purchasing clothes (I am in lovvvve with camis. Oh sweet Jesus)

I bought breast forms, a wig and a sexy pair of heels.  *sigh*

I have even had the opportunity to dress in front of her and last night she picked out jewelry together. 

I have even dressed in front of her.  With forms in. 

Supportive doesn't cover that it surpasses it.  I have fallen in love with her all over. 

Oh and she's agreed to let me move up my HRT appt.

That wonderful! It's always makes me happy to hear a success story.
I too have a 150% supportive partner (wife) and it means so very very much. Still not easy though in other areas mainly due to my silly insecurities.