It might seem strange that I am asking this question after spending so many days here, after seemingly coming to terms with my identity, and after coming out to my wife and my therapist. And I am sorry if my post offends anyone. I am only trying to think aloud. Because the truth is, I have still not fully been able to accept that I am trans, that I am a 'female trapped in a male body', or that my mind is female. What if my mind is male but with some female tendencies? What if all those 'female tendencies' I think I have are nothing but stereotypes? What if this means the dysphoria is not actually that much of a problem, that I am making it a problem by thinking so much about it?
Until now, I have made a few posts talking about those traits of mine or events in my life which convinced me that I am female. Now, I am going to try to convince myself of the opposite, that I am and have always been male, and see if it works.
I never even had gender dysphoria until a few months ago. At best, I may have been a misfit all my life, but even the term 'misfit' is a bit exaggerated. After all, I have 'fit in' well enough to have had reasonable success in my education and career so far, and to have a good marriage, good relations with family and a good network of friends. Yes, there have been many occasions when I felt out of place even among close friends because I couldn't relate to the way they thought or spoke or acted, but there have been other occasions when I got along well with them and probably behaved just like any other guy.
I may not have been good at sports, but then, there are many other guys like that. Why am I giving so much importance to that stereotype?
The same goes for being good at handling babies, and the supposed carrying angle of my arm which allows me to do it well. Am I not reading too much into it? Aren't there many other 'chores' typically associated with women which I have hardly ever shown interest in?
And after all, other than these few examples, nothing else tells me I should have been female. Throughout my childhood or teenage, I never tried female clothes, or makeup, or long hair, or playing with dolls etc. I remember just one example, maybe when I was about 7-8 years old, when my mother and an aunt dressed up my brother, a male cousin and me as girls, but I don't really think I felt great about it. I just played along, got a photo clicked and that was it. I don't remember the photo, but I think I look sullen in it, while my brother and cousin are both grinning.
In fact, my brother had quite a few occasions throughout school (we were in a boys' school) when he had to dress up as a girl, and he did it quite cheerfully every time. I did not look as feminine, so I never got that chance, but I don't remember feeling bad or jealous about it.
He now looks quite masculine, while I still retain my childhood appearance in some ways, so maybe I now look more feminine than him. But maybe that's because I have never really put in much effort into looking masculine, or any effort on my looks for that matter. I have just gone along with what I had, and I've never had much of a problem with my M-shaped hairline or facial hair until a few weeks back.
I have said before that I did not know the physical differences between boys and girls until shortly before puberty. But I did know that girls and women dress differently, sound different and look different from boys and men. I also knew that boys grow up to become men and girls become women, and that I was a boy. I never had a problem knowing that then, or being referred to as such.
Yes, maybe now I feel a little more free to experiment with my hair, to buy and wear some female clothes, but isn't that all superficial?
Yes, I may have had what I thought were weird questions, fantasies, dreams, fears, thoughts etc for years, and they somehow led me to believe what I think is gender dysphoria, but seriously, is there no other explanation?
Yes, if given that option of pressing a button and becoming female in an instant, I may jump at it, but maybe it's just a case of the 'grass being greener on the other side'?
And after all this, I justify my attraction to women as my being lesbian. And I thought my wife had a 'lesbian side' too. But then, she says she is practical enough to know that is just her fantasy, and she is otherwise happy being hetero. And she doesn't want me to transition, because the cost for our social, professional and family life may just be too much. So why can't I be practical like her and put these thoughts out of my head?
Sorry for the long rant, but I just wanted to get this out of my system. Please feel free to comment. Or if anyone has any problems with what I have written, please tell me and I'll remove it.
