Will SRS provide enough self peace with respect to lack of shared experience?

[GorJess]

There is no question I need SRS for my life, sanity, relationships, and first and foremost, self-peace. This isn't the question; it never has been in 22 years of my life. My date is in May, and it is life saving treatment that my mind and body has needed for all 22 of those years. It is a dear dream to me, finally going to be completed.

However. I blend in well enough as just another woman to where my coworkers (all seven others are female) discuss that time of month, like when it's due, when happening, what grade we got our first (I said mine came later, next time I'll claim 7th grade), etc. So, yes, it's fantastic, to be just another woman in that sense. Yet. SRS won't do these things for me, they won't help my barrenness, nor shared experience of growing up, and the like. I should have been born natal, and the glaring question is omnipresent: "Why did this wrong body happen to ME?"

I don't judge a woman if she can have a baby or not, and I can (and will, in about 13 years) adopt; there's much more to a person than fertility. But this really hurts, and I have no intentions of letting my past be known. It simply hurts me every day. Is there anything really, that will treat how much this hurts me? I worry SRS won't give me enough adequacy, and self peace on these levels. Yes, it will help in other ways, but these are the ways that I'm just not sure it's enough. Shared experience matters more than you think it does, unless you've been there, and with how few (other than family and SUPER close friends, some of whom know by accident, probably less than five) know of my history.

Please help. My concerns make me feel woefully inadequate, over a matter I cannot fix. To be more specific though, this isn't as much a fertility matter, as much as it is shared experience concern (or lack thereof), and there's a significant difference between the two.

I just hope SRS helps treat some of these concerns, or helps how I perceive such matters, with others. Will it? If it doesn't, my life will still remain painful, to nearly unbearable degrees. I can socialize and fit in about it fit, in the moment, but soon thereafter, it eats me up, out of self-inadequacies. This would likely be a better question to answer if your history is long in the past or soon to be in the past, meaning SRS relations.

[Dread_Faery]

There is no universal experience of womanhood. The only people who claim that are 2nd wave feminist stuck in biological essentialism and TERFs. There are plenty of experiences you share with AFAB women, I advise focusing on the experiences you share rather than the ones you lack.

[suzifrommd]

GorJess, it's been a long road toward accepting the fact that there will be differences that set me apart from other women.

It's comforting to know that other women feel that way too. For example, cancer survivors, who often feel "different" because their ordeal simply can't be understood by those who haven't gone through it.

None of us came from cookie cutters. We're all unique snowflakes, none of us with the same experiences as others.

Your experience, of transitioning MtF, makes you wise and knowledgeable in ways that other women are not.

Does this help?

[Muffinheart]

If I could make a suggestion, go to page 24 of this PDF...what to expect of SRS and am I ready
http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/care_program_and_services/hospital_services/Documents/surgery-MTF.pdf

Over two years ago, I had to be sure of everything in that booklet, and I had to be able to verbalize a dozen risks of SRS to a number of psychologists and psychiatrists as my surgery was paid for by the government
They do this, to ensure that prospective surgery candidates are fully understanding of what to expect, but also to make sure you're in the right frame of mind.

Do with it what you will, but it might help position yourself.

Nina

[Jenna Marie]

I think it depends on what shared experiences you want to have... I'm not being flippant, but GRS darned well did give me the experience of wearing pads and bleeding, and later of having a vagina that could accommodate a tampon and which makes me feel more vulnerable in a weird way. I think while it won't help with the fertility issue - and that sometimes haunted me as well - it will at least give you a lot of common ground with cis women in terms of genitalia and the misbehavior thereof. (And plenty of them don't think about the internal reproductive organs as much.)

[GorJess]

It might not be universal, since some cannot, but it seems to be a common theme, you know? Kind of like a reminder of my past. Thankfully I can focus so much what I've learned, make lots of laughs, comfort people, and just be a good friend. All I can do; respect, and be kind.

It helps to have that knowledge, history that I have for extrospection, but it hurts, too. Alas, it's not really a choice, so I make do. It does help, though; thank you. It's made me a bit more philosophic on life, its matters, and so forth, because my perspective, despite its similarities in outlook to Schopenhauer, is rather uncommon, given life's circumstances. Suppose you are right though; as I'm helping others learn in various ways, be it just as a friend, or on a more public scale, as I'm planning to have done next year.

Thank you for the booklet; I had read it through and through, as per your suggestion. So far, I know what to expect, mostly the mind is there, but my concern is if it will have enough impact to rid/cure me of this condition, as I believe it will? It seems it should, from what my inner recesses of my mind tell me.

The shared experiences will be had in part, certainly, kind of like the ones you describe. Mostly, I wish to feel complete, and your post is, if a bit frighteningly so, but also logically so, due to vulnerability, very helpful to me. This is the part of me that is lacking, as the body is not complete yet, and this may indeed be the roadblock. Very reassuring.

Thank you, to all four of you, to be able to take time to write this response. It is much appreciated.

[calicarly]

I think you're being hard on yourself, it almost sounds like you wish you had something else to be depressed about after having GRS, so if technology made us able to bare children, would you be then clinging to the hurt of not having had the right childhood? How lucky are you, that at 22 you're having GRS, many of people out there don't even get on HRT at your age .... Count your blessings hun, don't cling to every small amount of hurt that you can find. Someone told me once when I was younger, don't find comfort in the familiarity of feeling depressed and hurt (it might make sense I hope) . If you truly have hurt this much over the dysphoria (like I have) then start celebrating your happiness. Give yourself the chance to celebrate having GRS! don't sabotage this experience for yourself. Yeah, I absolutely agree with being realistic on the expectation department, but once that side of things is clear. How about allowing yourself to be happy .

Best of luck x

[katrinaw]

Gorjess... Fully understand where you are at; FWIW, I am a lot older... Much that is... However all through my life I yearned and wondered what it would be like to have babies, breast feed them etc.

I so hated my parents for giving birth to a girl in the wrong body... However there are something's, at the moment, that cannot be changed, it hurts, yes (it so does)... But it would also hurt if I were natal and still cannot bear children in my opinion.

We have been dealt a bummer and nothing we wish for or do can change it (unfortunately) think of your new life beyond... You have your whole future as a woman ahead of you. And as you say, you can adopt ; which you will find will fulfill your dreams, and will keep you so busy so's you won't be thinking of anything else 

Live life to its fullest
Love Katy 

[ImagineKate]

I can sort of relate, because not only was I born in the wrong body but also the wrong country.

Well, according to some people. See I am a naturalized US citizen. I was not born here. I cannot become President or Vice President. But I have every other right, duty and privilege. I still do treasure my heritage and cultural upbringing to some degree but among my peers it's difficult relating to them growing up in the states. But I've largely learned the customs and I have more importantly learned to move ahead. For the most part it is working out. I don't disclose to everyone at first that I was not born here. My accent is minimal and I have lived here enough that being American is second nature to me.

See a parallel? Interesting, aint it?

Live your life. Get your SRS if you want it but in the end, self acceptance is what will make you happy.