Very early on in transition, I remember pondering how relationships with men would go. I still do ponder dealing with some things. And I remember finding a blog some time ago that contained this observation:
QuoteI do have some fear, I am a woman, my muscles have disappeared with my hormone therapy. I am not as strong as I used to be. Not having been brought up as a female leaves me vulnerable with the lack of caution that women in our culture learn early on. My transgender therapist's words stay with me. "Learn to fear men!"
I find myself in positions with men where I feel at a certain amount of risk. Those usually involve sexual issues. A couple of examples:
First example: I was helping a friend move. One of her moving crew waits until the rest of the crew was outside at the truck, my friend was in the bathroom, and I'm in the back room of the apartment by myself checking closets to see if anything was missed. One of the movers comes into the back room, positions himself between me and the door, and asks me to call him for a date. What would you do?
Second example: I used to play chess at a club near my house. One of the guys there took a liking to me. He ran into me at a restaurant when I was with friends once and apparently he stood behind me and gaped for a while before he finally said anything, only to discover that I didn't remember who he was. I showed up at the chess club again and he asked me out on a date. He started walking me to my car every time I was there. If I was going to do some shopping in the mall where they meet, he would insist on walking me down to the stores. Then after I didn't show up for a while, he friended me on Facebook where the main things. Post about are my garden and my cooking. Every time I'd post about something I was cooking, he'd reply by commenting about his imagining me being over at his house cooking for him on a cold winter day and us enjoying the snow. What would you do?
I have posted about these and other incidents and wondering what to do about them on other sites. Mostly I get posts from people saying they are jealous because they wish things like that would happen to them, which makes it impossible to talk about these things. But the reality here is that I am telling you about circumstances where I was afraid of the men involved. I got scared. Because things like this can be dangerous and that danger seems to be inadequately appreciated in trans* communities. So here is what I did in those cases:
First example, I was cornered and alone. I didn't want to turn him down flat because I did not know how he might have responded. I didn't want to get called a bitch and punched, for example. But it was unusual because he was asking me to call him. Usually guys ask me to call them. So I took his phone number. I was sort of neutral and nice but not super enthusiastic. Just enough to let him think he was getting his way and keep things smooth. Then I "mysteriously lost" the number after the day was over.
Second example, I started to feel stalked and extremely uncomfortable. I saw things escalating if I did nothing. I had one of my cis friends start pointing out that if I did not do something soon, things would become increasingly awkward and he might even end up hurting me. I unfriended him on Facebook. And I have not been back to this chess club since this happened. It's just too uncomfortable and I agree there is an eventual risk of harm.
"Fear" of men may be the wrong way to put it. But caution around men may be a better way to describe it. Most guys are just fine. But there is a minority out there that aren't and you never know which category a particular guy fits in. So a certain amount of general caution is wise. Dropping bravado, posturing, etc. that many of us grew up with, and getting with the being careful is a really important lesson to learn.
By the way, I will also add that I do have martial arts training (Kyokushin for anyone who wonders). I figure that if I am ever assaulted, it may be useful to surprise the attacker and buy me five seconds or so to run away. The reality is that no matter how great my technique may be, I just don't have the muscles to hit very hard with. That's a reality that goes along with having little or no T in your system.
(And for those who are concerned about their safety, and may be in or near Maryland, a presentation on that very issue is scheduled on February 21 and details are posted in the events forum).
