Progress

[Lisabeth]

In a few posts, I told everyone here how my wife confiscated all of my things (wigs, clothes, make-up) when she found out I posted my picture on a tg friendly site when I was trying to find a name for myself.  I thought the world audience could help, and felt the picture was incognito enough that no one would recognize me.  I felt fairly safe posting it, and didn't see anything wrong with it.  The same picture as the one to the left.  She was furious and told me it was very deceitful on my part to dress up while the kids were in the house sleeping.  It's been a sore subject around here for the last 2 months.  Anyway, last night things really came to a head.  We had a long discussion about my desires, and I told her that I would not be deceitful if she could only accept me for who I really am, like she said she did before we were married (I had told her in advance).  I told her I wanted our marriage to work, but the only way I could go forward was for her to accept all of me.  I told her if she didn't want to take part that would be okay, but to please just give me some private time, where I wouldn't have to feel like I was sneaking anymore.  I ended up going to be in a huff, and it seemed like are relationship had hit a wall.
   This morning I woke up and went downstairs, and all the confiscated things were there in a pile with a note on top.  "Just don't do it when the kids are in the house."  I went back upstairs and thanked her for understanding.  I asked if she minded if I hung the clothes in my closet.  We are actually in the process of remodeling the bedroom.  She said, "when you finish the painting and flooring we will make a spot for your things".  I was on cloud nine.
She may not like it but it looks like she is trying to accept it.  I plan on taking things extremely slow, but it feels so nice to know I don't have to hide my things anymore.  I can hang them in my closet just like a real woman would.  I also told her that I would be happy to see a therapist, and we could go together to some of the appointments if she thought that would help.  She agreed.  She wants to try to understand this.  Progress is being made!   If you can't tell, I am very excited.  I just thought I would share, I am sure there are others like myself out there that know what it feels like when a barrier comes down.  It's just so liberating.

All my love,

Lisabeth

[Dennis]

That's great news Lisabeth. Congratulations to you and kudos to your wife for having the fortitude to rethink her decision and reconsider. That takes a lot more than most of us have.

Dennis

[Cassandra]

Congratulation Lisabeth,

It just goes to show with time patience and communication it is possible to get beyond the misunderstandings and the plain old rejection of who we are. Kudos.

Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Baby steps, baby steps.  It is so important to communicate if you both want the relationship to continue.  As you have found out or are finding out it is all about compromise, communication, and give and take on both your parts.  Stay away from ultimatums, as your behaviour affects you both equally, even when it is done in private.  It's great that you've made such progress and that you've agreed to see a therapist.  It's great news.

Steph

[Jillieann Rose]

Lisabeth,
I'm realy happy for you. Sound like the first step to a better realtionship in a expanding world for the both of you.
Love Ya Sis

Jillieann

[Shelley]

Sooo.. Happy for Lisabeth,

Baby steps, baby steps.  It is so important to communicate if you both want the relationship to continue.

That advice of Steph's worked for me a while ago. The other thing is that you may have to accept some compromises but i really think that is what life is when shared with another.

Shelley

[Lisabeth]

Hi everyone,

I have seen this happen here before.  Someone gets there hopes up that progress is finally being made only to have the "rug pulled out".  My wife insisted that in order to move forward I had to be totally honest with her about my recent female purchases.  I agreed, and told her how I had put some jeans, bras, and two pairrs of high heeled shoes since she had originally confiscated my things.  I also told her how I skipped my office Christmas party to drive 60 miles to get some of the things.  Once again, she became furious.  I explained that she wanted honesty and that was what I was trying to giver her.  When I am honest I am met with all kinds of negativity, so that is why I hide.  She says I'm a *^&#*# nut case, and names several psychological disorders that I surely have.  She's an R.N. on a behavioral health psych unit.  I would think in her profession she would be more understanding, but she is not.  She adds that if we ever divorce down the road, any judge will make sure any visits I have with my children will have to be supervised.  It seems that she plans on being very vindictive if the marriage doesn't work. I want the marriage to work for my children's sake.  I love them more than you can imagine.  At another point I suggested that we go out sometime together, with me dressed, in Provincetown, Mass. where transgendered individuals are accepted.  She says absolutely not, because it would be too embarassing for her if we ran into someone we knew.  The chances are extremely slim of that, it is one state away, although we did run into someone we knew there once.  So, two steps forward one step back I guess.  I am feeling low right now.  Some progress has been made, in that things are out in the open, but there is so much negativity on her part, I can't see how things will get better any time soon.  Thanks for being there for me.  I love you all.

Lisabeth

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Lisabeth,

Not a very good turn of events by any stretch of the imagination.  It's seems that your wife is in the know about what TG issues are, but doesn't want to admit them.  It would also seem as though she is very upset that you would go to such extremes as skipping  a company function to buy cloths. 

At this point in time I would have to say that going out together with you dressed is a little too much too fast as well.  You both need to sit down and discuss this through, where you see your relationship going how far you intend to go, what situation can you both live with.  Just remember you are not going to be able to have it both ways.  And the biggest issue of all is you are going to have to be prepared for the consequences, and those can have a tragic side. 

There is almost no way around this, it's going to be tough but if you want to stay in your marriage then you are going to have to fight for it.  But one final point, staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children is not often the best solution for any family.

Steph

[Cassandra]

Hi Lisabeth,

I really feel for you. When your wife said she wanted honesty what she wanted to know was had you been going on behind her back. This you admitted to. The fact is if you want to preserve this marriage you should not have gone behind her back on this. It constitutes a betrayal. Your fem side should have told you this. You worked things out only to have it fall apart because of your infidelity. Infidelity is not just having relations with another person. It is also doing things which you have promised not to do.

If you are going to work this out you have to apologise. You have to make this up to her. What did it accomplish going behind her back? You talked. She relented. Gave you back your stuff, only to find what? That you had gone behind her back when you knew better. I'm sorry to be a little harsh here but it is the facts of the matter that have you in hot water. It's a relationship. You ask for some give and take yet you disrespect her by going behind her back. I hope I'm making sense to you here.

Anyway, it's just my two cents. Take it for what it's worth.

Cassie

[Jillieann Rose]

Lisabeth,
I'm hurting for you too. 
Your wife needs time to adjust.
It sounds like she lashed out at you because she is hurting and confused.
I think what Cassandra said

you disrespect her by going behind her back

is one thing your wife is hurting about even if you thought it was really no big deal.
Talk to her tell her and show her you love her and need her. Don't push your cross-dressing, but do be very open and honest. 
Again give her time a lots and lots of TLC.
Pray for you.
Love Ya Sis
Jillieann

[Jillieann Rose]

Yes your right Melissa and always be honest.
Jillieann

[Louise]

Lizbeth,

It is good to hear that you and your wife are communicating, but openness can often be painful as well.  The others here have given you some good advice, particularly about the need to keep communications open and apologizing for past transgressions.  My wife is very accepting of my crossdressing, but when we were first working through these issues there was a lot of pain for both of us.  What hurt her the most (and I suspect this is the case with your wife as well) is the fact that I hid things from her--even if my reason for hiding them was to avoid hurting her.  Another of my wife's concerns is not letting friends and family know about my crossdressing--it would be embarrasing to her.  We have three grown children who have all moved away from home.  Even though all are mature and quite open adults who would probably accept the fact that I am a crossdresser, my wife does not want them to know anything about Louise.  I suspect your wife has similar feelings.  Whether you or I think these feelings are irrational or not, the fact is that our wives have these feelings and we need to respect that.

I hope and pray that you and your wife can work through this.

[Lisabeth]

Thanks everyone for you words of wisdom.  Cassie, you are correct, when you go behind someone's back it can only come back to hurt everyone down the line.  I know I shouldn't have done this.  I did actually buy the things before she returned my others.  At that point I really did not know if it would be days, weeks, months, or years that I would have them back.  I know honesty is the best policy, but I also know when I tell her the truth about my expenditures she ends up furious with me, so I hide.  I know that's not a great excuse.  At this point she wants me to stop buying things for my fem side completely.  I would like to do that for her to make her happy, but I'm not sure how long I can comply.   I really have all I need now, but sometimes it seems I just have no self control when I get that desire for something feminine, and I know at some point I will break down.  I guess that's why I need to find a good therapist.  The thing about therapy, is I'm not looking to stop dressing, just to have more self control when it is going to effect those around me.  I know she does not like when I put my picture on the internet, so in an effort to come to some level of peace and understanding in our relationship, I may change my picture to a generic one to make her happy.  I hope everyone understands.  I do like using my real picture, but her understanding is more imporant to me right now.  Anyway, I should get going.  I want you all to know how much I appreciate your input and support.

Lisabeth

[Cassandra]

Hi Lisabeth,

Time, patience and communication are the keys here. You say you have enough. Good, let that tide you over until you can come to some understanding that will allow an occasional self indulgence. Just don't do it behind her back. A straight forward I'm going to buy this anyway and I hope you will understand is far better than her finding a receipt for a new pair of pumps she did not receive. If you expect to keep this relationship together and healthy, honesty and communication is the only recipe that stands a chance of working. You will simply have to be happy with what you have now so that in the future you can shop without risking a divorce.

Therapy is good. When you find a good therapist, maybe at some point you could get her to go with you and help her better understand so that she does not feel so threatened. For her when you go behind her back, it's like you are seeing another woman and you are that woman.

Just some thoughts to consider.

Cassie

[Lisabeth]

Thanks Cassie,

I am hoping my wife will join me for a few sessions with the therapist, but I am also hoping that it is to understand me and is not done in an effort to "cure" me so to speak.  I really like who I am, and feel like I would not be being true to myself if I don't express that side of me.  I love my wife, and I think once the initial shock wears off, that through an honest and open relationship we can overcome our differences and come to some sort of compromise.  I appreciate your words of advice, they are very helpful to me right now.  Also, I guess I am not quite ready to change to a generic picture yet.  I'm not sure I can get used to seeing someone else's face with my name.   I am sort of proud of who I am.  If it really bothers my wife "down the road", I will change it.

Lisabeth

[Jillieann Rose]

Lisabeth,
Hang in their. We are with you.

I love my wife, and I think once the initial shock wears off, that through an honest and open relationship we can overcome our differences and come to some sort of compromise.

That's the altitude.

Here's a HUG for you sis.
Jillieann

[molly]

LisaBeth:

Thank you for this post.  It sounds like you have crossed another milestone in your life and with your relationship with your wife.  All the advise about communication and honesty is good advise.  I find it comforting to have a community of sisters who are there for you with support and wisdom based on having already traveled that road.  I hope this ends on a positive note for you (however you define that).

I have been thinking alot about coming out to my wife, but quite frankly I am scared to.  Your post and the responses have been good for me to read because they give me some real life idea of what to expect when I do reveal Molly to my wife.  Like yourself I have made the decision to begin therapy to help me move forward into unchartered territory like coming out to my wife in my case.

Molly

[Shelley]

I have been thinking alot about coming out to my wife, but quite frankly I am scared to.

Hi Molly,

Just something you may want to consider. What will be the consequences of you wife finding out without your telling her.

My experience was not a good one.This link is to a post I made within a very short time of her finding out hope it helps.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,799.0.html

Shelley

[Lisabeth]

I have been thinking alot about coming out to my wife, but quite frankly I am scared to.

Thanks for your post Molly,  I hope to hear more from you.  You know, even though my wife isn't totally understanding of my desires right now, I am still glad she knows.  The telling of our spouses is a significant hurdle to get over.  As Shelly said, it is better for you to tell her than for her to find your things and feel like you've been deceitful.  I am running into my own problems with deceitfulness.  Even though she knew, I had been hiding things like new clothes and makeup.  It's just not a good thing for your relationship as I am learning.   I have my first appointment with a counselor on Friday who is referring me to a therapist who she says is excellent.  She has a lot of experience with transgender issues so I am looking forward to talking with her.  I will let everyone know how it goes when I finally meet her.   I am hoping my wife will join me on the next visit.  I think it can only help to bridge some of the gap between us right now.  Maybe we can reach some sort of compromise.

Lisabeth

[Louise]

Glad to hear that you have a session set up with your therapist.  I hope it goes well, but do not expect miracles overnight.  Good therapy often takes time.

I am convinced that if two people really love one another they can find a compromise.