Want to live as female, don't want to transition...what's a girl to do?

[StrykerXIII]

I've been reading various posts, articles, etc. around the site about transitioning and post-operative life, and I'm starting to feel like that just isn't right for me. It sounds daunting, perhaps a bit intimidating, but that's not it for me - it just doesn't seem like the right life for me.

That being said, there's still a lot I want to do. I definitely want to do something about my body and facial hair. I'd love to make my adam's apple disappear if for no other reason than the fact that every time someone or something just barely bumps it, I choke. I'd love to have a feminine voice. I'd love to look down and see boobs. But honestly...I'm okay with male genitalia. The only thing I dislike about mine is that my libido has caused a lot of trouble, both in my present relationship and in literally every past one. I figure there has to be some sort of alternate remedy for that. I mean, I like having it. I don't necessarily want to be rid of it.

I posted this in the Non-Transitioning and Detransitioning section because I feel this is probably the best part of the forum to find the kind of help I'm seeking in...obviously, I need to speak with a therapist. There's no doubt about that. But I'd like to go in with a fairly clear idea of what it is I want from life...and right now, I don't have that.

Anyways, this is becoming a lengthy post, sorry. I'll cut it here.

[ChiGirl]

Yeah, speaking with a knowledgeable therapist is where to start.  But you don't have to have surgery to transition.  All those other things are part of transition.  When I was younger, surgery was a must for me.  Now, I'd I get to that point, great.  If not, I'll live as long as I'm living as a female.  I guess that's what you need to figure out.  And you can feminize yourself without fully transitioning. 

BTW, I'd get that adams apple issue checked out by a doctor.  I don't think it's supposed to choke you.

Good luck!

[AnonyMs]

I've kind of done a lot of that, although I do want to go further. Just not right now.

No social transition, boobs, and so on. I expect you could do it if you really wanted to, but I'd agree with speaking to a therapist.

[StrykerXIII]

I'd get that adams apple issue checked out by a doctor.  I don't think it's supposed to choke you.

It's a very fleeting choke response, I should have clarified that. It's purely psychological. I've been in a few fights, and while there was never any physical damage done (I've had it looked at before), I'm pretty sure what I experience is just a deep-rooted reflex from being grabbed by the throat a few times.

[sam1234]

Gender and sexuality are very fluid things. Whether or not you have reassignment surgery has nothing to do with what gender you associate yourself with. There are plenty of arguments both for and against surgery, and its a very personal choice. If the time is not right for you, its not.

You can train your voice to come out higher. As for breasts, there are always creating a set up that looks real under clothes. I'm sure some of the women in the forum can help you with ideas for that.

I'm I correct in that your libido causes you problems because you get a visible erection that shows through your clothes? Thats a tough one.

Hopefully a therapist who works with transgendered people can help you with some of these issues. Hold on to your self esteem. There is room for all kinds of people, and if your mental gender is female, then that is what you are.

sam1234

[ChiGirl]

It's a very fleeting choke response, I should have clarified that. It's purely psychological.

Got it! [emoji106]

Talking to a therapist might help with that too.  Just remember that there is no one set path.  Everyone is different.  Good luck and hugs!

[kao]

surgery is not for everyone, there are many who just use hormones and there are some who don't and just cross dress, personally I want to go for an orchiectomy not just to settle my increasingly unsettling dysphoria to those things but also to alleviate actually pain I suffer from an issue that has arisen form a vasectomy a few years back.  There are also those who have breast augmentation but don't do HRT so it really is a mix.  I know someone who had there adams apple shaved because of a similar issue with bumping it and he has never been happier.  Facial and body hair are annoying I never liked it hated it so so much but there is laser and electrolysis to remove that its just the cost that becomes an issue.

You could get boobs and bind them while at work or on days you feel more male but it does sound like you are very fluid which is fine.  As for libido I'm sure there is something you can take to suppress it if it is to high.

[AnonyMs]

At the end of the day I think you need to do whatever it is that you need to. Its easier if its the same thing as everyone else, but that doesn't mean its right. These would be pretty empty forums if it was.

The purpose of a therapist to simply to help us in understanding what we want, and I suppose to check there's not something other problem causing it.

[anjaq]

I would say - follow your desires - do what you can do to get the things changed that you feel need to be changed. If you want boobs and no adams apple - there are surgeries for that - if you think you want a more feminine body shape overall, hormones may be good - they usually also change the libido. I would advise against antiandrogens though since they are more a temporary solution if one wants orchie or GRS later - they are not healthy if taken for life.

[Randi]

I'm quite comfortable being "in the middle".  I was diagnosed as hypogonadic (low testosterone) eight years ago.  I took testosterone injections, but around six months in I found the T was being converted to estradiol by the action of the enzyme aromatase.

I inadvertently started growing boobs.  When I was a child I wanted to be a girl, but by the time I was 16 or so I accepted being male and lived a fairly normal life.  Actually growing boobs reminded me how "left out" I felt in the 7th and 8th grade when my girlfriends became women and I didn't.  50 years of denial came to an end.

I want to be me.  I don't want to be anything phony.  I have typical male pattern baldness, and don't particularly want to wear a wig.  I have no great desire to wear a dress, although it might be nice from time to time.  I have many women friends who treat me as they treat other women.  I've noticed that the vast majority of over 50 women seldom wear a dress.

It's very important to me that I be "not male".   I never particularly cared for being male or anything male oriented.  I don't feel the need to hide the fact that I once was male, and I don't need anyone to perceive that I'm female.  In the summer I frequently wear shorts and a polo shirt.  I have very feminine hairless legs and don't mind showing them.  Beneath my polo shirt it's obvious that I have substantial boobs.  I even go to water aerobics at the "Y" and wear swimming trunks.  Typically there are 12-18 women and one or two other men in the class.  I've never had a comment on my boobs (similarly, they would never tell an obese woman that she is fat).

The men's locker room is a bit strange because my genitals have shrunk to the extent that I have less "hangy down" stuff than some women, and my boobs are substantial.  Sometimes I drape a towel over the back of my neck and down my front.

I'd like to have my beard removed, simply because I don't like shaving and I don't like having stubble if I don't.  GRS is expensive, painful and leads to at least temporary disability.  Having "high maintenance" female genitals just doesn't seem right to me.

My body feels "right" to me now.  I have great looking legs, a full round derriere, and boobs that I really like.  When I get out of the bath and look in the mirror I see what I have always wanted to see.  That's "good enough" for me at this time.

I've almost forgotten what the dysphoria was like.  I think that if I even did the full transition to female, I would feel as strange and dysphoric as I did when I was male.

Randi

[Jade_404]

 Your post is really resonating with me. I read it the yesterday and have been pondering it since. Please PM me if you want to talk about it

Let me count the similarities.

1) I do not desire the operation on my genitals for various reasons. I'm okay with my male genitalia too. If science advances and I could have a stem cell grown vagina from my own cells I would probably do that, otherwise to me the operations they now have seem too dangerous for me to attempt. Doctors freak me out because what they do is practice medicine... I don't want to be practiced on in such a sensitive spot.

2) I would kill to have my adams apple fixed, I too have issues with a choking feeling, and the protrusion actually looks un natural even for male. I was in a fight where I was almost choked to death and have issues since. When swallowing I can feel a click.

3) My libido has caused a lot of trouble in relationships too. Except for the one girlfriend in my 20s that was a nymphomaniac, all the others just can't keep up with my bodes desire for sex. I decided that taking care of "things" myself was my best option and have been single for about 8 years. Happily single I might add. I would gladly turn down the dial on the sex drive but would never want to switch it to Off. I might even be able to have a meaningful relationship if my sex drive was not turned on so high.

3) I started getting boobs because of illness and lowered T and WOW it makes me happy looking down and seeing them. I hope they keep puffing out, they just feel right. I wish some fat would fill in in other girly areas but I am naturally skinny and high metabolism. My body just looks like it would fill in nicely if I had more estrogen in my system.

4) Body hair, not an issue I have none. Face hair is minimal but I HATE how it feels. It feels wrong, when it is stubbly it just makes me feel awful when I touch it. I will have to zap it one day! I love love love my hair on my head, which is long and has been for 30 years. If I start balding I will go into panic mode for sure.

5) Voice, well yeah I hate my voice. I would love a female voice as long as it was not ditzy or made me sound unintelligent. (Please don't take this personal anyone with female voices) In my line of work I can not sound like a cute girl or sexy woman, no one would listen to me they would be too distracted by cuteness... Maybe a nerdy girl voice is what I seek, but I know not where to begin that journey. The feminine voice training I have looked up all seems to point to a musical, cutesy, rhythmic style I have a hard time emulating. I need a girl to talk nerdy to me!

6) I too need a therapist (maybe) , I had one but I was too complex for her and she referred me to one in the big city... 2 hour drive and a bad part of that city. So I am again looking for someone closer. I actually don't feel I need a therapist, they have never helped me in the past, and when I am completely honest with them they usually say they can't help me because I don't have issues they understand or the things I want to discuss are too complex for them. I also don't feel I need the permission of a therapist to know who I am. I am sure many people benefit from a therapist but I know I don't need one to feel whole, or to help me make these decisions. I trust myself completely. A therapist for me just mucks up the works.


sam1234 said "I'm I correct in that your libido causes you problems because you get a visible erection that shows through your clothes? Thats a tough one. "
In my case it is not the visibility thru cloths (altho it would be nice to wear some things that I can't with the current bulge). It is the fact that I wake up hard, and am hard a lot of the time and turn to master-bating or sex to alleviate it. Partners can't keep up. It is less than when I was younger but it is still a problem that is uncomfortable if not taken care of. Probably TMI

I still need more tests from the Drs and to look into what illness is causing changes. Would HRT help me or would it hurt me? I have Lymes Disease and those pesky buggers eat and grow on testosterone and perhaps might eat the estrogen too. Anyway I have to submit my self as a lab rat for the Doctors to poke around and see whats going on with my biology. I hate doctors. I am not "not transitioning" I am just trying to be me and trying to be happy with what I have. Maybe some minor surgeries and hair removal is in my future, maybe HRT. What I do know is that I am okay with it and the changes that would come from it. I also have supportive family and friends so that makes it all so much better.

Again PM me if you want.


P.S. I find the comment by Randi very interesting. My doctors are saying I may have secondary hypogonadic issue being caused by my Lymes disease and my age and that I may have even been living with primary hypogonadic condition because I could actually be intersex. New/more tests are needed. I refuse T treatment. I am trying to convince them to try E and see if it helps me. I am waiting for the doctors to decide it was their idea to try E, then they will help me. Just like testing for Lymes, I told them what it was, I had the tick that made me sick, they had to test a bunch of OTHER things before deciding,  "I have an idea, lets check for Lymes Disease..."

so yeah,  all very interesting stuff. Thanks for making me think 

-Jade

[JoanneB]

There is no divine law etched in a stone tablet that says if you're trans, Thou Shalt Have GRS. Thou Shalt Have FFS. Thou Shalt Have _____. Oh... And Thou Shalt not like the dangly bits, at all.

There are plenty of things about "Being" a male I never liked. There are plenty of things about being a female that I love. I've never been so dysphoric about being male and the symbolism of the dangly bits that I absolutely HATED having them. At an early age I had resigned to life is what it is. Better luck next lifetime. Time for Plan B, which was trying to be and feel as "normal" as possible. Sure, I'd rather not have them, but we've had some great times together.  Not being sexually attracted to males, well there are certain advantages to what I have.

I lived part-time as a female. I live primarily as male for now. I have a for real B cup. Been on HRT for several years now. Having GRS was never on my must have list. Dealing with a Crocodile Dundee "Panty Check" was never a concern. I achieved my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a female.

[StrykerXIII]

Dealing with a Crocodile Dundee "Panty Check" was never a concern.

I've actually been thinking about that exact scene hahaha

[Jade_404]

Nice! the Crocodile Dundee reference made me grin ear to ear  . I also find much humor in life and I think my therapists sometimes did not understand how I could joke about certain things. My last therapists gasped and had a look of horror when I said "It takes balls to get SRS" which is a quote I saw on someones sig here at Susans. I found it to be very clever, I don't remember who's profile it was on, but bravo!

-Jade

[Joanne Feliz]

I know someone who had there adams apple shaved because of a similar issue with bumping it and he has never been happier. 

I hate my adams apple,  I can never close the top of my shirt because I feel I am going to choke and it feels just WRONG!!!

[Muffinheart]

I hate my adams apple,  I can never close the top of my shirt because I feel I am going to choke and it feels just WRONG!!!

I hear you. Felt the same way six years ago, and I made a bucket list of things I could live with, and things I could live without. I felt at the time BA, FFS and vocal surgery were "nice to have" but not essential. But a tracheal shave for me was a real tell and I got that checked off first. I look back on the four grand for a fifteen minute procedure and wonder was it worth it? Hell yes!

[Joanne Feliz]

Hi Muffinheart,  were you out when you had your trachea shave done?  If not did anyone comment on it?

[Muffinheart]

Hi Muffinheart,  were you out when you had your trachea shave done?  If not did anyone comment on it?

Yes, I was out. I told people I nicked my throat while cleaning the garage lol.

[Joanne Feliz]

LOL

How the heck were you cleaning the garage ?

My adams apple is quite prominant,  heck i will just say I didnt like it and causes me to choke if people press me.

Would be good to get it done in thailand on vacation 

[Muffinheart]

LOL

How the heck were you cleaning the garage ?

My adams apple is quite prominant,  heck i will just say I didnt like it and causes me to choke if people press me.

Would be good to get it done in thailand on vacation 

For me, it really stood out.
Best part about the surgery, you're awake the whole time, and it's less than 20 minutes.
My bandages were off within days, was rubbing Vitamin E to lessen the look of the scar.
Today, you cannot even tell where the scar was.