My life is as messy as this post. (Trigger Warning)

[Tripdistrans]

You aren't a failure. Dealing with depression and other painful stuff is not a one way journey to "better land". There are times when you make great progress and times when it feels like you are right back where you started - even though you are not. A lot of the time dealing with depression is about having perspective on your situation and knowing that your memories and your feelings about something bad are not you, that they do not need to define you and that you can increase your emotional strength to deal with them when they take hold. But it can be a long hard journey. Took me six or seven years before I was able to finally stand up for myself.

I wish there was some sort of transitional, in-out fading slide, but (especially in term of suicidal thoughts) it's more like randomly remembering to do something you had decided to do hours beforehand.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most about this all is that I know it's depression. I know none of the negative thoughts I have are true, I know I don't actually need to hurt myself, and I definitely do not need to be dying. I know it's all a bunch of poppycock, sub-conscious brain washing and that I should sleep more and eat less gluten, and fake it till I make it. But my mind is too logical. There is logic behind believing I suck at everything, I can bring up undeniable proof of that. I can list reasons to say that my transition is useless and I'll never be loved, and my father hates me. I can even slur enough hogwash to make anyone believe I'm a sociopath, and I know that there is something in my head that I have always been too traumatized by to share, but isn't all of that just a part of the poppycock, sub-conscious brain washing of depression? I'm constantly rebutting myself with nonsense.

[Ms Grace]

That's right - it's a self-defeating negative logic loop. When it's bad it's a downward spiral instead. But what is it really - just negative mental self conditioning. If that is what gets us down there then the inverse is true - self-supporting positive logic loops can do a lot to pull us out of our mind funk. It isn't just new agey rubbish - we know thinking bad things about ourselves and our future prospects makes up feel bad about ourselves and anything and everything. Stopping that negative loop, substituting it with something positive about yourself and your prospects can break through, especially with enough practice (ie, it won't solve the issue first, second, or third time). And it won't magically make your life awesome but it will help clear a mental and emotional path that allows you to move forward with your life with a 'can do' attitude rather than being stuck in a miserable 'can't ever do' funk. Learning how to block out the toxic crap from others around us (like your father) is essential. Sometimes when we feel better about ourselves the way others respond to us changes to.

[Tripdistrans]

I think I accidentally replaced the negativity with foolish hope instead of actual positivity, and that's why I was seemingly fine for the last five months.

[Jayne]

As Ms Grace said it's all a matter of perspective (one of my favourite sayings)

How long has your Dad known you are going to transition? Many parents go through the five stages of grief, my mum certainly did. When someone comes out as trans parents sometimes feel like their child is dying, in a way they are right but in time they realise that their child is going to be reborn as a happier person.
For the first two years things were strained between me and my mum, thank god we didn't share a roof. She got upset, she bargained, she got angry and sometimes that came out in spiteful comments but through it all she still cared.
Some of the comments I received were:

You shouldn't do this as you'll be an ugly woman
Now your brother's in prison I'm going to have holidays over xmas, there's no point celebrating Xmas when you have no family around.
If you do this you'll spend your life alone, who would want to be with you?

The list could be longer but you get the idea, through all of this she still loved me

[Tripdistrans]

Thankfully we've been through that. I've been on HRT for 14 months, and it was a year and a half process before that, and then another year or so before that is when I came out. The last time I went to see my counselor, I made him come with me, and the result of that session was basically that Dad doesn't like me.

[Jayne]

Don't take it personally if your dad doesn't like you, keeping the relationship going between me and my father was constant hard work.
Some fathers are distant like that.
In my early thirties we had our final falling out, at first it hurt but with time I realised that my life was better without his negative influence, it's all a matter of perspective. I can hold my head up guilt free because I tried, I made the effort when he wasn't willing to return that effort.

On the bright side, once my father was out of my life it freed me to come out and begin my transition, I just had the hiccup of being in a relationship that at heart was an attempt to gain his approval and respect, turns out I needed neither of those to be a happy, well rounded adult.

[Tripdistrans]

I think that once I finally move on from this {wonderful} town I'll be able to accept it, but at the moment I think I crave to bej accepted as his son. I know he calls me his son, but I can't help but wish he would be proud of me. If I had of done Chemistry he would have been, I know that.

I'm living in the family house, but luckily we have one parent here for a fortnight, and then the other (they're separated).

I received your pm, and thank you very much for that. I'll pass it on when I can. My mother is more supportive in general, however she is also largely absent. Her boyfriend lives about two hours away, and she is there whenever she can be. She also spent most of my childhood and adolescence thus far sitting in a chair on the computer, so the amount of time spent around/with my dad was/is majority.

[Jayne]

Craving acceptance from a parent is natural, I spent 8yrs as an engineer to gain my fathers respect, I then spent years in a relationship with a woman to gain acceptance, she's a lovely person (unless you anger her, then you should run and hide) but I was only attracted to her personality, the physical side of things was an emotional strain.
I'm fortunate that all I have to do to be accepted by my mammy is be a nice person and keep my flat tidy (I fail on the last point, lol)

[Tripdistrans]

I blatantly refused to do chemistry regardless of how proud it would make him. I didn't want to be in school at that point as it as. I remember we had an argument about it on the way home from dropping my little sister at a friends. He didn't understand that by him continually suggesting I do chemistry (like every second day) that he was trying to force me into it. I was driving and just snapped, and stopped the car, which in hindsight was a very dumb move and I'm lucky there was no traffic. Cut to the chase, he kicked me out of the car and drove off. He came back, but I feel that was more to safe his hide from Mum.

I fight with both of my parents a lot. Dads rude and mum's lazy, she's also very good at emotional projecting. That being said, she's not rude, so we get along most of the time.

My whole (lack of) love life is a game of acceptance. How do you get adults to look at you twice when you literally look 14? How do you get school girls to like you when they're surrounded by tall, muscular, dishevled, sporty school boys? These are the mysteries of the universe, but at least my left hand loves me.

Also, what is this 'tidy' you speak of?

[Jayne]

"Tidy" is an archaic concept that my mum lives by, I don't fully understand it, maybe a dictionary would help?

What is this "love life" thingy?  Is it another archaic concept?
Try being 40, looking male with a cup breasts whilst not being attracted to gay men or particularly enamoured with rear door naughtiness. The type of men that attract me aren't attracted to me "sigh"
The only relationship I've had in 3yrs is with my right hand, even lefty ain't interested in me, oh the shame that even my left hand rejects me 

[Tripdistrans]

I may just go and Google this one, it's puzzling..

For some reason, I feel like said situation appeals to me a lot more.. buut I do get where you're coming from. I'm 18 next month and my best hopes are school girls, which I guess is alright, but like, illegal soon?

[Jayne]

I'd have to say "don't panic, you've got a lifetime for dating"
One of the things me & my ex agreed on 100% is that if you aren't happy with who you are then you'll never be happy in a relationship, use the pent up energy in a different way, channel that energy into making it through your transition. Set yourself the goal/reward that once your transition has finished & you are happy with who you are then you can enjoy some "adult naughtiness".
If you are still transitioning & depressed/unhappy then it will only overshadow any enjoyment you are entitled to.
You're young and have many, many decades to enjoy life.

I stayed celibate until I was 30, there was one xmas incident when I was 20 but I was so drunk that night I woke up the next day and realised I was still a virgin (you have to have some recollection of the event for it to count).
The only bright side to my sex life is that i've lost my virginity 3 times, once i've had my GRS then I can lose my virginity for the 4th time.
Once you hit 40 then it's justifiable to start thinking that there's somewhat of a rush, with my health issues & the medication it's fair for me to assume that i've lived over half of my life, for me the clock is ticking, for you the clocks barely been wound up

[Tripdistrans]

I've only had one intimate interaction since my HRT, and I was definitely very, very drunk, and there was too many people involved for dysphoria to matter to me.

However, now that I'm actually kinda happy with my physical appearance, I've become a very lonely person, haha. I think also the fact that I'm on T doesn't help. I had a crazy enough sex drive as it was!

I'm counting down until I turn 18 (26 days) so that I can go out and hook up with people. I find my problem is less that I'm uncomfortable, and more that I look 14.

[Jayne]

I find my problem is less that I'm uncomfortable, and more that I look 14.

Looking young may feel like a curse right now but give it a few years and suddenly it will become a huge blessing, once you hit mid twenties you'll beam with pride every time someone guesses your age and knocks a few years off.
As a teenager I used to have a friend who could have a full beard and still get charged child fares on public transport!!

Patience my young padawan

[Tripdistrans]

Looking young may feel like a curse right now but give it a few years and suddenly it will become a huge blessing, once you hit mid twenties you'll beam with pride every time someone guesses your age and knocks a few years off.
As a teenager I used to have a friend who could have a full beard and still get charged child fares on public transport!!

Patience my young padawan

I just had the sudden realization that when I turn 18, I won't actually be able to go out that night, because I don't have photo ID with my name on it. My learners permit still has my birth name

[Tysilio]

It's unlikely that you'll go anywhere where they care, or even notice, what your name is -- all they'll look at is your date of birth and picture. 

[Tripdistrans]

This is true.

I did pull out the ole permit today, and 30kg and 14months of HRT makes a big ass difference

[Jayne]

If you get turned away from one place on your 18th then take your cash somewhere else, when I went out on my 18th I didn't have any id with me but must have managed to get in somewhere as I had one hell of a hangover the next day & my weeks wages had mysteriously been transfromed into a technicolor yawn.
I do remember the only place I could sleep without being sick was on the bathroom floor with my head inches away from a full cat litter tray, I was only sick because a drunk friend ran in to pray loudly to "Ruth" and missed the porcelain potty hitting me in the face with his pavement pizza.
Oh to be young again

[Tripdistrans]

Jayne, by the sounds of it, I would really like to party with you, haha!

I've decided I'm probably going to be going to Melbourne for my 18th, I'm just slightly struggling in that decision still.

[Tysilio]

Oh to be young again

Oh, I don't know... I'm sort of getting into that "old age and trickery" thing.