Transgender need help!

[Sarah_wannabe]

So I'm 17 and a boy at the moment. I've been going to a psychologist for a couple of months now for seeing myself as a transgender male to female.

Not only did I goto one for expert advice on this subject, but also for reasons of forms of autism something which I might have in mild forms(Something my mother wanted as another subject).

In the back of my mind I believe I've always been different, when I actually became conscious I remember several times allowing my oldest sister when she 'bullied' me to put lipstick on me and paint my nails, I'd like it but I had no idea how to express it.

Having finally decided to search for what my issues might be I found sites and information to which I was convinced of my sexuality as a girl trapped in a boys body, but I decided to pass on it even though I knew puberty would come soon regrettably so, this was at around the age of.. 12 And I decided IF I didn't feel anything before that or during I wouldn't say something and continue on my life, believing it all to be a phase.

However now I regret not speaking earlier, I am depressed and only in dire depressive moment I think of suicide as a possible option. I get reminded of my place as a boy on a daily basis which deeply saddens me inside somehow being able to keep my composure, knowing that I have someone inside dying to get loose someone I wouldn't feel comfortable for fear of judgment and giving my family a heartache as I've always been quiet and generally in an emotionless or non-moving mood.

Now in the present day I've come clean to my mother and my sister and feel I would genuinely be unhappy my entire life if nothing did ever happen such as transition. Grief struck at the beginning and no idea what to do, not only because I have no idea what to do, but also just in general due to my puberty and mad at myself for not speaking about it earlier.

Luckily a sweet white knight who I came clean to somehow reminded me of the positives I have such as, I'm 5'8 so not too tall, I don't have that many well defined masculine features. The only things I get overly upset about sometimes is my voice as it is rather low, enjoying music a lot I want to be able to sing along to my favorite songs, and not feeling fear all my entire life for fear of slipping back into my male voice or getting found out about. As of now I don't have that many friends and consider the white knight I talk to as my best friend, however I've yet to say anything to my father or other sister I fear just not being able to be open about it for fear of judgment and even more unhappiness. What if it would bring me to the brink of actually ending my own life as I've never actually tried.

I did decide when I was ever to finalize my transition is to not talk about my past to anyone, start a new life in another country in another continent in another city which is my plan for the future.

I write this thread when I'm rather depressed and would like some advice, I will update any information for what you might ask for or any future updates and things.

Please help I want to meet some people who could maybe relate to.

<3 to all xox, peace  

[Devlyn]

Hi Sarah, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. First off, we have hotline numbers all over the site in case you ever feel overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. Another thing, all you ever have to do is type "help", and someone will be there for you. We're open 24/7! Everyone here can relate to you, this is the right place for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[LordKAT]

Hi Sarah, Welcome to Susan's.

Transition can feel daunting and dealing with all the feelings that go with it as well as the normal puberty ones can be daunting. Continuing to work with a therapist who can help you deal with them would be a good thing. Outside of that, you can come here to just talk or rant or rave all you need to. I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that all of us have low times and many of us here, have been where you are. Many wish they could have started earlier. Basically, I want you to know  you aren't alone and it isn't as bad as it sometimes seems.

Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  

[Sarah_wannabe]

Thank you for commenting so quickly, my mind always finds some big flaw. And I get all emotional and see no hope or light at the end of the tunnel, just yesterday my sister had a party in Amsterdam as I live in the Netherlands and my sister has an apartment in Amsterdam. And I had to help her make her apartment ready for everything, afterwards they had to get ready her and her friends and I genuinely felt sad at the fact that they were all in the bathroom making up and trying out outfits while I sat there and did not know what to do.

I couldn't express myself in the same way as I had wanted to and just felt so trapped and frustrated. Eventually I ended up spending the night on my phone, jealously looking on and wishing I was in their place. I talked to my white knight on it and he helped me with comforting thoughts that I would in time.

I do see him as a romantic option he does to me as well, he doesn't feel just so comfortable with it. He's been honest with me that he doesn't want to get my hopes up and that the distance between us are big milestones. Every time we end up talking about it he says time is what he needs, and I'm okay with that. However just saying nothing romantic or not even mentioning the subject for two years seems a bit much as well...

Any advice? 

thank u 

[Devlyn]

Nothing like an opportunity to run out an old cliche!   "You find love when you stop looking for it"   OK, my work here is done, if anyone needs me I'll be asleep in the rocking chair!

Hugs, Devlyn

[LordKAT]

I think you should continue to work on yourself, school, work, transition, etc. When the time is right, you  will share yourself with others and not have it be the window you see yourself through. It is very freeing seeing yourself as yourself and not caring what others see.

[Sarah_wannabe]

Just today I've been to the psychologist again. Unfortunately not for what keeps me up thinking 24/7 I try to look in the mirror and hope to see positives, although I don't see a whole lot now that I've almost finished my teenage years without being able to block any of the effects they gave me. I usually try to sing in falcetto, but that doesn't always work... I don't feel like talking to my mother or sister both know of my transgender thoughts, they don't see it and there is no local transgender support group as far as I know.

I feel rather alone all the time, my friend who I mentioned before is called Drew and he has not been online for three days now. I have met two people who both think I am biologically born a female although I havent said anything I remain convinced I can somehow someday either come out to them or not at all and just live the life I was supposed to live. I somehow remain terrified of the idea of not passing, I don't want to live my life supporting the group of transgenders, I want to live as the person I am a girl, without being persecuted for it because it is my fault I am different.

Besides this I have started to write a book on the journey of my life, it might be a relic for only me to read or if by miracle mine stands out from the couple of thousand other significantly more interesting I might publish it as a guideline for psychologists or other youth transgenders. Or even the passerby who is interested or has sympathy with transgender people.

Edit: Any thoughts?

[Scorpion]

All i can say is that i am similar to you, feeling the fact i am a female much later though (around the beginning of age 15, almost 16 now, did have signs before though).
The mild autism thing which i have makes it so i have to force myself to say things occasionally, this makes it incredibly hard to come out to anyone, and i haven't yet.
No psychologist or nothing.

I am quiet and generally emotionless (Not on internet though) too.

You might relate to me, i don't know. 

That book does seem interesting also.

I truly wish you luck with that romantic option.


~ Eva

[Sarah_wannabe]

Sorry for not commenting on your post @Scorpion, it's been a while and I think I have made some strides. But with them came the inevitable failures haha, I've finished my tests and it's come apparent I am barely in the confines of autism. Of course this came by shock and my stubbornness got the best of me, as I told them I wanted no help for the principle that I felt it would be unfair, having lived seventeen years of my life, making mistakes and learning from them by myself and like normal people.

Right now I'm trying to throw up some kind of courage to actually call either Amsterdam or Ghent, in hope to setup an appointment with the transgender specialist. With the information that it could take four months and even then years for any change to happen. Although I accept that possibility wholeheartedly with the know how that this is the only way I can move forward. It pains me how I will get through that time, I only hope the feeling of progress will help me more than the feeling of standing still(, not to mention I hope the support I get). Something I have felt for too long, as of that I have agreed to myself to spend a lot less time online, I will still frequently browse, chat and do more. I have just felt a burning wasteful feeling, the idea that I am sitting here and doing nothing is what keeps me happy.

It has certainly brought me to anger, the feeling of wasting my own time and myself, something I try to vouch to myself not to feel again. As such I have found I spend a lot more time in the company of my family, in hope I can find a less soul rending job at a plants store which is rather close to my neighborhood. And with that meet some people who I feel a connection to in real life, something which I did not lack online. I do now know why people say friends in the flesh are better than online friends, though I don't think people should underestimate either.

This doesn't mean I am out of the danger zone yet, oh no I'm still facing rather personal problems. Especially with the awkward feeling of not being able to talk about my feelings at least the transgender related ones without being persecuted. Not to mention the constant harassment I have only gotten a taste of today when I did something "No guy" should do. by which I did get insulted or teased with, I can tell you the person who does these sorts of things does not cut it close. If people feel insulted by him, they should as he blatantly blares and curses at our school.

In any case, I do hope reviving this thread won't cause me any trouble. I had gotten a notification on my email and I really needed this. I'm still super open to meeting new people on here, do message me! And I might also go onto the chat a few more times 

~Love, Sarah 


P.S - Would any of the moderators mind if I used all of the helpful comments here in my book? I would censor all the names of course