Nekoboy79,
Disclaimer: These are my opinions and I don't guarantee any form of success. Implement these at your own risk...
I'm sorry that things have been difficult for you 🙁 We are in the same boat in regard to the full disclosure of Trans* issues from the beginning of the relationship, for people like us there are a different 'set of rules' shall we say that are NOT written anywhere that I have been able to find. I too am the sole breadwinner in my household, with a spouse that battles with debilitating depression (and physical issues as well, in my case). It is a tough situation to be in, and quite frankly I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I applaud you on your tenacity to have done this for 13 years...I'm on year 5.
Once upon a time I got a piece of advice from a lady who had a MtF spouse and she was lucky enough to work with a therapist who specialized in S/Os of Trans* individuals. The most important thing that she relayed to me from the therapist was: the individual in transition is going through a second puberty, and as we know pre-teens and teens going through puberty behave like selfish individuals. They appear selfish because they are trying to define who they are and how they fit within their family, peer groups, and society. They don't do it out of malicious intent, it is a byproduct of that exploration of self. If a person is that wrapped up in their internal self that far, it causes them to behave in ways that those of us on the outside perceive as selfishness.
I am giving that piece of advice to you, because I have to remind myself of that on a constant basis. Right now, my spouse doesn't realize how she is acting to me, her friends, or society as a whole. I don't know if once she emerges on the other side of transition she will realize this fact or not. If she does, then surely she will try to make it right. And if she never realizes it, then I have accepted this path knowing full well the issues that plague Trans* individuals, so I have to not hold any resentment toward her. I have only in the past couple of years came to these revelations...and if that had been completely laid out before me in that way all of those years ago I don't know what I would of done. I would have been paralyzed with fear because of my own perceived and real inadequacies. I thought I knew so much back then...when in reality I just had barely scratched the surface. Searching my own soul has been the only way that I feel like I can maintain any semblance of sanity through this crazy journey....much like a person in solitary confinement.
Let her be selfish, and feel like she can be. When my spouse feels like I'm putting too much obligation on her or putting her inside of a space (whether physically or emotionally) that she perceives as limited (whether real or imagined) it causes her to feel like she doesn't matter. Much like a child is more likely to rebel if there are too tight of rules (whether real or imagined). The perception of the person going through transition is what matters, not what those of us on the outside see. It is about the person going through transition...not you that matters.
I feel like Significant Others most often leave because they either can't or won't accept that they need to be the solid rock in the background during their partner's transition. And in other cases where the person going through transition breaks off the relationship, it is because they -feel- like they can't or don't have the spotlight (whether real or imagined). Let your wife have center stage, and care for yourself in a way that DOES NOT put you or your needs in the spotlight (or even perceptively so).
I know that it is a hard and thankless job being the breadwinner, taking care of the domestic end of things, and being a constant support for the person you love who doesn't realize how they affect others and are self destructive. You have to be the 'bigger person' in the situation and go out of your way to make her feel special, accepted, and loved while juggling the internal emotions that come from the rest of everything, and not let the negative and/or selfish emotions you may have come out sideways. Do small gestures, pick random wildflowers, a card saying that you love her and want to be there for her (just because). Make her feel like a woman. Take her to get her nails or hair done. Take her shopping. I realize that money is tight trying to save up for everything that goes with transition, but these little expenses are worth more to her than you can ever know...and make the waiting easier to endure. As to issues of intimacy, communicate communicate communicate, treat her like a woman in bed with kisses, caresses, and foreplay. Ask her permission to touch her. Make her feel safe. When she feels like you are taking care of her, she will (hopefully) come around and start taking care of your sexual needs without you asking for it.
I know that I wrote a small novel with a lot to digest. These are things that I have found through my experiences, and I realize that every individual and situation is unique. Someone needs to break the cycle and you are more capable of doing so than your partner is. I realize that all of this is easier said than done, and trust me...I'm not perfect, neither are you. We all are human. "Let Go, Take Hold" Good luck on the ride.
