Ok let me interject a few thoughts in the hope they might be helpful. So you can understand where I am coming from I'll preface my remarks by explaining that I'm an ultra longterm (30 years plus) post everything who in later life is now training as a doctor. I'm not yet qualified, so my thoughts carry no weight, but may, I hope, at least have a smattering of insight. These things are seldom straight forward I originally transitioned in my childhood, but even my emergence was not without its hiccups and setbacks.
So firstly I can fully understand that it will have been a huge shock, and the apparent oscilation may feel like a repeated injury. I am so sorry that you are having to struggle with this. Know one thing very clearly, like much in life it is not fair, or anyones fault. It just is what it is.
What I think you may need to consider is that this is someone who has had this as a guilty secret all of their life, and in bringing it out they become very vulnerable, so that any difficulties will tend to cause a reflexive withdrawl back into the shell. However the need to "emerge" is still there and so sooner or later annother attempt at emerging takes place. This is not because your husband does not understand the pain it causes, or because you are not loved. It's just part of the complexity of this condition, when it emerges later in life.
Most people of course have heard of the youngsters (as I once was). Those who "knew" from an early age. A few of us were lucky and got the freedom to express that there and then. Many did not, and as a result repressed the feelings often so deeply that they either lost sight of them, or held them in a dark corner of the mind. However what is sometimes not fully appreciated is that there are a group who simply never process the urges and feelings, they have, sufficiently to name them, and they can often emerge in later life. This does not mean they are not genuine. Merely that it has taken them until then to reach the level of emotional security and maturity that allows them to start exploring and processing this aspect of their makeup.
For some of them it is necessary to go on to transition, maybe take hormones, maybe even have surgery. For others it is sufficient to merely be able to express that side of their identity. There is no single right course or progression here.
Either way what treatment does is change the body. To some extent that can help liberate repressed parts of a someone's personality, things that they were previously embarrassed to express, so it can appear as if the personality changes, but fundamentally the treatment does NOT change who someone is. So I might argue that in a sense you have already been living with another woman, its just that the physical form, and a measure of social expectation, has disguised that from you. The core of who your partner is will not alter.
I suppose what I am saying is that the physical form may change - but person inside will not. Your husband will not suddenly become a stranger.
You asked specifically about lasering - the answer to that is diathermy electrolysis, which works equally well on white hair, however I think perhaps that is a detailed worry for little further down the track.
It is natural for you to feel confused, maybe even threatened by this. However the antidote to fear is knowlege and understanding, and in that respect you have come to a good place. I think also a gender counsellor may be of help, not only for your husband, but maybe also for you. Not because you need to change, but because they will be able to help you towards the knowledge that can dispell the fear and anger that it would be completely understandable for you to be feeling.
I hope that is of help. Of course I've never had to negotiate this situation, My 25 year long marriage took place long after I had my surgery and thus had completed my treatment. So the issue never arose. Sadly my partner is now deceased, however I have been active in supporting people going through this in the past, and hence I can understand just how scary and uncertain it can feel.
Take courage - there are no givens. Some couples do split up, others find ways to stay togther. Give it time, and keep talking, and the right course will become apparent. This is not the end, it is a new challenge.
