how long can I hide a transition from MTF? when going on HRT, Laser, etc...

[megan7777]

I want to come out fully, I'm trying to save my marriage and stay with my partner at the same time (a separate issue).

What I'm wondering is, if I were to go on HRT, but present male in public, how long could I do it, before people would start noticing/questioning that I'm a girl? I want to do this for 10 years(till my youngest kid is out of high school)... at home I want to present in female, or feminine clothes, when I leave town for a night out, I want to wear makeup, etc. when I'm going to the local grocery store I want to wear my dude clothes, bind my boobs (or wear loose clothing) and be full on masculine.

Anyone do this?

[iKate]

Honestly you can do it for as long as you like.

I face this dilemma and it's not nice. Now not being out to the entire world my dysphoria is creeping back. But for a few things I need to present male until I can do a smooth transition.

Actually at 4.5 months I'm at the stage where people don't really ask but they stare at me when presenting male. It's a really unsettling feeling like how getting clocked when presenting female is. Today an older lady stared at me while I was having a slice of pizza with the kids. I mean really stared really hard. I finished up quick and walked out. It was that bad.

Other things like I can't wear t shirts anymore without obvious boobs showing, even with a sport bra. Spring is here and it's difficult to decide what to wear to work now so that I look somewhat normal until I come fully out there. Baggy clothes help some but I need to wear professional attire sometimes.

Hair growing out is another thing people notice and one or two of my colleagues have directly commented about that to me.

Things like that.

[Emily R]

Megan,

It better work!   I need to do pretty much what you are saying for around 5 years.  Same problems with Daughter and also small business and dealing with the clients.

I will be seeing the endocrynologist on the 27th and hopefully have a script the same day or very soon after.  I will try to keep a log of how my life goes for the 5 years, but feel free to PM if you have any specific question now or later.

BTW I have done 6 sessions of laser and so far 6 hours of electrolysis, my aperance has not changed much but it may with the HRT, now be aware that I am 61 Y.O. and everyone believes that my changes due to Estrogen will be either very slow or minimal.

Emily

[megan7777]

iKate,

how old are you (you don't have to say haha). Kate sorry about the pizza thing, I think I would have lost it, I don't like people staring at me now.. . So do your kids know? how are they handling it.

Are you married still? sorry if I'm prying.. I'm looking for data, all I can find. and hoping eventually my wife will find this site and realize that I need this. She knows that if I change my name it will be Megan most likely or meegan.  hair is a continual sadness for me, I will have to wear wigs, I lost my hair when I was very young 16/17. It still bothers me. :-(

Emily,

6 sessions of laser and 6 hours electrolisis and no results? uggg.. don't tell me that, I was hoping it would be fast. well was hoping laser would give immediate results anyway.

[Emily R]

Megan,

Laser is great but it only works on black hairs and even then it typically requires more that six session to eliminate it, and it is not permanent, as the hair follicle may revive after a period of time, in addition because of my age, 61, I have a lot of grey hairs and those the laser ignore totally as they don't generate the heat when illuminated by the laser to kill the hair follicle. 

On my chest I still have a lot of black hairs and I am going to start my second round of 6 session of laser and hopefully that combined with the HRT will make my hair go away.

Feel free to ask if you have any other question or PM if you would like.

Emily

[KristinaM]

Good luck to each of you!  My wife is like, "no changes, stability, get this baby born first!" (she's 4 months pregnant now).  And I can understand that.  But I'm seeing a therapist in a week and really hope I can get started on some low dose hormones soon just to ride the wave and see how it makes me feel about myself and my situation.  So I wonder, once I get started, how long I can go without her getting too suspicious.  Then again, I have a guilty conscience sometimes and would probably tell her when I came home from the pharmacy, lol.

[JoanneB]

I tend to think that people reach "Male Fail" because they want to reach male fail. My general circumstances dictate that for my own good, my marriage, and my safety, I need to present primarily as male. I've also been on HRT for a good 5 years now, have a for real B cup. I doubt anyone other than my wife knows anything. Occasionally she'll say something like "Your tits are showing in that top". One I've worn before without comments. Perfection and angst on her part I suspect drives it. She sure is not a fan of loosing the male in her life.

I tend to dress in baggier clothes. A hold over from my former fatty days. I still have a LOT of of baggage body image issues there. The changes from HRT have allowed me to finally feel comfortable in my skin. It also SUCKS big time not to present as female like I used to.

How long can you? My own experience and that of some of my group members says that the emotional element is the limiting factor. As one member recently put it, "At some point you finally reach the stage when you just don't give a crap". Many days I struggle with "Why?"

What keeps me hanging in there is knowing my entire world stands to collapse if I make the leap to full-time. The lose of my career will hurt me emotionally more then financially. I have a semi-invalid wife I love dearly whose health is fading. She will likely stay with me when I go full-time, for how long is unknown. As she often reminds me "She did not marry a woman". Well, recently I've also been getting "I can't think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest". We both know at this point if push came to shove I cannot swear off HRT as I offered to several years ago for US, for her.

The answer always comes down to "Which pain is worse?"

[kittenpower]

I tend to think that people reach "Male Fail" because they want to reach male fail. My general circumstances dictate that for my own good, my marriage, and my safety, I need to present primarily as male. I've also been on HRT for a good 5 years now, have a for real B cup. I doubt anyone other than my wife knows anything. Occasionally she'll say something like "Your tits are showing in that top". One I've worn before without comments. Perfection and angst on her part I suspect drives it. She sure is not a fan of loosing the male in her life.

I tend to dress in baggier clothes. A hold over from my former fatty days. I still have a LOT of of baggage body image issues there. The changes from HRT have allowed me to finally feel comfortable in my skin. It also SUCKS big time not to present as female like I used to.

How long can you? My own experience and that of some of my group members says that the emotional element is the limiting factor. As one member recently put it, "At some point you finally reach the stage when you just don't give a crap". Many days I struggle with "Why?"

What keeps me hanging in there is knowing my entire world stands to collapse if I make the leap to full-time. The lose of my career will hurt me emotionally more then financially. I have a semi-invalid wife I love dearly whose health is fading. She will likely stay with me when I go full-time, for how long is unknown. As she often reminds me "She did not marry a woman". Well, recently I've also been getting "I can't think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest". We both know at this point if push came to shove I cannot swear off HRT as I offered to several years ago for US, for her.

The answer always comes down to "Which pain is worse?"

Bruce Jenner said that she was on HRT during the 80s for 5 years, and she even had a some facial plastic surgery during that time (nose maybe?). I basically did the same thing while I saved for FFS, and grew out my hair. HRT will soften your skin, distribute fat to enhance secondary female characteristics, and cause breast development, but it will not change bone structure or voice. So, you will look younger and have a softer look to your face, but facial features like brow bossing, masculine shaped nose, masculine jaw structure, chin height & width, distance from base of nose to the top of your lip, and Adam's apple, will not be affected, so unless you start HRT at an early age, you will most likely have enough masculine facial cues for people to still recognize you as male until you have FFS. So the only thing you will need to hide are your breasts, and even if people do notice them, they will probably just think that you have "moobs"; however, if you start presenting as male like Bruce Jenner has done within the last few years (i.e., eyebrow shaping, lip augmentation, wearing earrings, wearing makeup & lipstick, growing your fingernails & using polish, and getting a tracheal shave) people will put 2&2 together. So, my point is that most trans women can be on HRT for a while without anyone knowing they are transitioning if they want to, but if you adopt a lot of female mannerisms, and start walking like a woman, and speak with a female voice, then of course people will notice. I'm part Native American, and had very little facial and body hair before I started HRT, so I don't know how people will react to someone who has a lot of facial hair/shadow, and then has it removed via laser and/or electrolysis, but there has to be some kind of n"valid" excuse you can use if someone asks.

[meganmichelle]

That is a good share. I watched the miss Jenner story and it was really confirming that we can transition at any age. I wish my wife would sit and watch it...

Though I do have to say that miss Jenner has an edge in some ways in that she has $$$$ for paying for anything she needs. For most of us, we have to work a job and live in the real world.

For me I plan to start transitioning with out anyone knowing, even my wife. I have to do what is right for me and HRT is something I believe I need to start doing now, not in 10 years when her and I resolve our issues, or we finally decide to split.

[iKate]

iKate,

how old are you (you don't have to say haha). Kate sorry about the pizza thing, I think I would have lost it, I don't like people staring at me now.. . So do your kids know? how are they handling it.

Are you married still? sorry if I'm prying.. I'm looking for data, all I can find. and hoping eventually my wife will find this site and realize that I need this. She knows that if I change my name it will be Megan most likely or meegan.  hair is a continual sadness for me, I will have to wear wigs, I lost my hair when I was very young 16/17. It still bothers me. :-(

Emily,

6 sessions of laser and 6 hours electrolisis and no results? uggg.. don't tell me that, I was hoping it would be fast. well was hoping laser would give immediate results anyway.

I'm 36, kids are fine, marriage is just a friendship now well on the way to a full split. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.

[iKate]

As for the pizza thing, I was just puzzled why she stared at me. I mean now people really put their eyes on me when I'm in guy mode, like really staring me down. In femme mode I don't get stared at at all, except for guys who are obviously checking me out (looking at my chest primarily). Kids don't even stare. I'm going full time soon so no more of that guy mode stuff.

[iKate]

That is a good share. I watched the miss Jenner story and it was really confirming that we can transition at any age. I wish my wife would sit and watch it...

Though I do have to say that miss Jenner has an edge in some ways in that she has $$$$ for paying for anything she needs. For most of us, we have to work a job and live in the real world.

For me I plan to start transitioning with out anyone knowing, even my wife. I have to do what is right for me and HRT is something I believe I need to start doing now, not in 10 years when her and I resolve our issues, or we finally decide to split.

Just be careful, sexual function is often affected by HRT and she will also notice boobs sooner or later.

I wouldn't go that route of course. I would tell her and not waste her time.

[meganmichelle]

i think you are right. at some point we need to reconcile, honestly and openly. and that is the approach i will go with.  im not gonna sneak on the hrt, though not doing it feels like denying myself something i need to have to be at peace.

[Jenna Marie]

Well, I'm a cautionary tale - I ended up having to come out and transition at work earlier than I expected, when I couldn't pass as male to strangers by 3 months on HRT and was 42C at four months. I'd hoped to wait to the end of the summer, another 2-3 months, but...

(My wife knew before I even started transition, though. It's a huge risk not to be fully honest with one's spouse; my wife spends a lot of time doing partner support, and she says active deception about beginning transition is one big reason spouses leave.)

[Kaley]

Just wanted to second iKate's experience.  I have been on HRT (10 months now) + laser and all that other good stuff and its definitely getting really difficult to hide!  I've been wearing baggy button downs w/ an undershirt at work to hide changes and it seems to have been sorta working (although I do still get those curious looks).  Lately I've been getting comments about my hair and how should cut it because I'm starting to look like a girl...so it's definitely getting hard to hide!!

Although my voice still isn't quite where I want it to be, I've pretty much reached the aforementioned "I don't give a crap" point and have started to dress more feminine at work and am slowly planning to go full time within the next 4 months or so.

So, yes, "hiding" can be done for as long as you want to, but it will definitely get more difficult to sooner than you think (both physically and emotionally).

[katrinaw]

Hi Megan, I have been on HRT since 2003, I am only just about to come out... I think people notice, but either won't say, or daren't in case there other issues, or they don't notice... My grandkids noticed by boobs (~34B) but my daughter told them it happens sometimes to older people...

I have not started Electro, Voice training/surgery or had Tracheal Shave yet, that'll happen when I've come out soon; as soon as I financially can... (Part time, till above done enough and feet under a job table to go FT)

When I was working I'd wear tight tee shirts under looser clothing when in male mode (as much as I hate that)... rest of the time, no idea how I get away with it, maybe everyone is just awaiting my announcement??

In hindsight if I could have done it any other way, I would have, but I specifically wanted to make sure I got some results out of HRT, I have now and now its just a short time... I never intended to be secretive, but there were and are reasons, at least 8 direct ones plus financial considerations... anyway full story another time, another thread...

L Katy  😘

[iKate]

Just wanted to second iKate's experience.  I have been on HRT (10 months now) + laser and all that other good stuff and its definitely getting really difficult to hide!  I've been wearing baggy button downs w/ an undershirt at work to hide changes and it seems to have been sorta working (although I do still get those curious looks).  Lately I've been getting comments about my hair and how should cut it because I'm starting to look like a girl...so it's definitely getting hard to hide!!

Although my voice still isn't quite where I want it to be, I've pretty much reached the aforementioned "I don't give a crap" point and have started to dress more feminine at work and am slowly planning to go full time within the next 4 months or so.

So, yes, "hiding" can be done for as long as you want to, but it will definitely get more difficult to sooner than you think (both physically and emotionally).

Well it's on for me now I have a hard date at work to go full time. HR and my manager knows and will send out an email telling people close to the time.

Voice wise I'm doing surgery and it also gets people to shut up since the rumor in the office is that I'm going away for surgery.  So they may think it's the whole deal but in reality I will be preop when I go ft at work. Some ignorant people don't regard you as a woman unless you've had "the surgery." Frankly what's in my panties is nobody's business but mine.

And I get stared at much more now. This morning I had a hard stare from a guy at the bus stop. It was like a laser beam. I'm presenting male to go to work, but my face, hair are screaming girl. I routinely get male failed, how it goes is from behind someone would say, "excuse me sir" then I turn around and they look like a ghost, "oh sorry miss" lol

[Kaley]

Well it's on for me now I have a hard date at work to go full time. HR and my manager knows and will send out an email telling people close to the time.

Voice wise I'm doing surgery and it also gets people to shut up since the rumor in the office is that I'm going away for surgery.  So they may think it's the whole deal but in reality I will be preop when I go ft at work. Some ignorant people don't regard you as a woman unless you've had "the surgery." Frankly what's in my panties is nobody's business but mine.

And I get stared at much more now. This morning I had a hard stare from a guy at the bus stop. It was like a laser beam. I'm presenting male to go to work, but my face, hair are screaming girl. I routinely get male failed, how it goes is from behind someone would say, "excuse me sir" then I turn around and they look like a ghost, "oh sorry miss" lol

Oooohh! Exciting!  I hope everything goes well for ya!
And don't ya just love those "I'm sorry Miss" apologies haha...I know I def do!

So I was also planning on doing voice surgery at some point soon, but I think I want to do FFS first so trying to do that by the end of this year or beginning of next year.  So prior to that happening is when I should have everything out in the open with my supervisors/management. And yes, really don't care what other people think...just going to continue pushing towards all my goals so I can make this transition a successful one!

[warlockmaker]

Hi Megan, I have been in the closet and on HRT for over two years. Honestly, I pass as a very handsome male that looks feminine. My major give away is the fulness and length of my hair (10 inches plus below my shoulders) plus a face that is clear after over 200 hours of electrolysis. I want to start failing and have started wearing more unisex clothes and tight slacks (normal in Europe but not the USA). If I wanted to stay in the closet it would be easy - just short hair and dress like a dude. As Jessie J says "walk like a brother walk like a dude, grab my crotch, wear my hat low like like you".

[Jenny07]

19 months and counting so far. I thought it would be easy to hide in plain sight, often the best way. I has worked for a bit however the boob fairy has had other ideas. They have been getting very hard to hide in fake mode.
Not that I want to hide but more I just am so scared at the moment.

I love how E has made me feel, so much better than before that it's hard to remember, not that I miss it at all. Other changes are for me to know about and are so good and very easy to hide.
I dream of the day I don't have to pretend and can be the one eyed mutant blessed by the boob fairy and showing them off. Shame that Winter is coming.

Re Laser and electo, I just don't care what others think about it.

J