How to stop caring what others think?

[Ltl89]

Hello everyone,

Does anyone have any tips or suggestions about getting passed what everyone else thinks?  Honestly, I've been having a hard time with this and I know that some most people just see me as a walking joke or a weirdo.  It hurts.  And I've avoided transitioning for so long cause of that, but I can't live to please others and know that denying myself is only going to create pain.  So, how do you get over the fact that people talk and laugh behind your back or even right to your face?  What's the trick?  I'm doing this for me ultimately and I'm tired of feeling trapped and unhappy with life, but I can't say that stuff doesn't kill me on the inside.  However, I realize people will say things and judge, so I have to stop caring otherwise I'll never do what's right for me. 

[enigmaticrorschach]

what I do I say "would you care any more or less if I wasnt this way"  and I just walk away. you see it doesn't matter what others think of you. your family, your friends, or the strangers on the bus. at the end of the day, you have to make the decision whether to let other's words hurt you or make you stronger. you have the choice and the power to say "to hell with you" and walk away. "sticks and stones may break my bones but your words will never hurt me." 

[Athena]

Try to focus more on the words of support.

[iKate]

It bothers me but I just go about my business.

I won't tolerate it from my friends though and they know they are no longer my friends if they disrespect me.

[suzifrommd]

Can you be proud of being trans? Being trans means you've endured difficulties others don't dream of. You've surmounted them, moved past them, been made stronger by them. You've seen the world from both sides of the gender divide. That gives you a wisdom that others don't have.

Hold your head high. Show them the proud face of transgender. One of you is worth 1,000 of them.

[Squircle]

I wish I knew the answer to this but I don't. The first year of my transition was hellish because I looked bad and I got funny looks wherever I went. People would tell me to just have more confidence, or ignore what others think, but if it were that easy there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

Some people just naturally have low self esteem and any little knocks tend to hit them harder. The only thing I could do was to carry on, do whatever I could to look good and be comfortable with myself, and build my confidence slowly. It's still not great but at least I can leave the house now without getting panicky, and go to cafes and bars and shops without getting any hassle. Each day or interaction that goes well or without incident builds my confidence a little more, but it doesn't take much to set me back. Two steps forward, one back as they say.

[stephaniec]

no real answers other then what I've starting doing in my neighborhood where I've been knon as being male for 20 years. I decided just to break free and wear my make up and dresses to my hang out spots and just do it. I know it feels impossible , but once your free you don't go back.

[Jayne]

you have the choice and the power to say "to hell with you" and walk away. "sticks and stones may break my bones but your words will never hurt me."

I wish it was that simple, you cannot choose to turn off your feelings. Sticks & stones may break bones but words can crush your soul into the dust.
I try to never set foot outside without my MP3 player fully charged so I don't have to hear what people say.
Some days i'm strong & confident enough to laugh at anyone who has a problem with me, I ask myself "is your life really that sad & empty that you need to judge my life", unfortunately those days are rare.
Most days I just want to run & hide. I used to go shopping late at night but the area I now live in doesn't have a 24hr supermarket, nowdays my cupboards & freezer are almost always empty because I dread going out to the shops & having to interact with strangers.
I'd rather deal with the sticks & stones as I can fight back against them, since the last incident of verbal abuse it often takes me an hour or two to work up the courage to set foot outside.

[Miharu Barbie]

Ommmmmmmmm......

I cannot overstate how empowering a good, solid meditation practice can be.  I personally recommend Ishaya's Ascension or TM (Transcendental Meditation).  But there are hundreds of good, powerful meditation techniques out there.  Find one that works for you, and (this part is super important) USE IT!

The inner turmoil you're describing is a kind of soul sickness.  If allowed to run rampant it can slowly creep out of the emotional realm into the physical realm and become a wide variety of body sicknesses.  If you can help it, don't let it get to that point.

Inner peace is equal to health and well being.  Anything that aids you in establishing inner peace is going to help you to rest easy in soul and body well being as well.  And that is were meditation comes in.

What have you got to lose by trying it? 

Be well!
Miharu

[Christine Eryn]

Baby steps. It's almost like leveling up in gaming.

no real answers other then what I've starting doing in my neighborhood where I've been knon as being male for 20 years. I decided just to break free and wear my make up and dresses to my hang out spots and just do it. I know it feels impossible , but once your free you don't go back.

This is true. When I first started going out dressed "full time" I guess you could say, I was hesitant to step out of the door and have neighbors see me. Now after doing it many times, it's just another thing I do, even though I have to step out in dumpy boy mode sometimes. It really really is freeing. At first, I would only go to groups in skinny jeans, blouses, etc. BUT, the more I did it and was out and about, I felt more comfortable each time. Now, even the most cis/non trans people don't pay much attention to me as far as the "something's up with that person" feel I get from them. I never thought could go full time without FFS but that is actually happening, even though FFS is in the very near future. Through much observation, I have a more toned, better body than a lot of cis women do. 

I realize even though I'm passible I am still aware of people noticing me. For what reasons they do, I'll never know. I have in my mind they think I am a beautiful woman, rather than them say what's that guy up to. I have probably been clocked a few times but it no longer bothers me.

[enigmaticrorschach]

I wish it was that simple, you cannot choose to turn off your feelings. Sticks & stones may break bones but words can crush your soul into the dust.
I try to never set foot outside without my MP3 player fully charged so I don't have to hear what people say.
Some days i'm strong & confident enough to laugh at anyone who has a problem with me, I ask myself "is your life really that sad & empty that you need to judge my life", unfortunately those days are rare.
Most days I just want to run & hide. I used to go shopping late at night but the area I now live in doesn't have a 24hr supermarket, nowdays my cupboards & freezer are almost always empty because I dread going out to the shops & having to interact with strangers.
I'd rather deal with the sticks & stones as I can fight back against them, since the last incident of verbal abuse it often takes me an hour or two to work up the courage to set foot outside.

I understand its not so simple. I guess because I have an emotion shut off button because I had to survive literally in order to live its a walk in the park for me not to care what others think but that leaves me in a much worse situation because I'm very self critical to myself

[Jayne]

I understand its not so simple. I guess because I have an emotion shut off button because I had to survive literally in order to live its a walk in the park for me not to care what others think but that leaves me in a much worse situation because I'm very self critical to myself

I wish I had an emotional shut off button, I spent 3 years on prescription happy pills & stopped taking them at the start of the year, it's hard to adjust to life without them & I may be speaking to my GP soon to request restarting them to cope.
The only thing that works for me is shutting the world out with a good pair of headphones & some happy tunes.

[Carrie Liz]

The only remedy for me was time.

I'm sure you remember what I was like just over a year ago, feeling trapped, feeling hopeless, so worried if I was going to be accepted, if I was going to be seen as anything more than a freak by people.

Well, unfortunately, there was no magic switch that made those feelings stop.

The only thing that made them go away was me just basically deciding that I'd had enough, that I couldn't stand all of the self-doubt that was coming from that seemingly-unscalable wall of having had introduced myself to people as a guy and then needing them to suddenly accept me as a girl now, so even though I still wasn't confident in my passability, even though I was still getting stared at sometimes, and even scoffed at, I decided that I had to do it, otherwise it was never going to happen.

Even that didn't completely solve it. It took me 4 months of searching, doubting myself the whole way, before I finally got my first post-transition job. And even after that, it took me another 3-4 months of near-constant worry, constantly hung up on whether I was passing or not, hung up on my brain spinning around in circles over whether other people were judging me, whispering about me behind my back, secretly laughing about me being a freak, before my anxiety about being trans FINALLY eased, and I was finally able to start relaxing and just living my life again.

It takes time. And unfortunately I think that the only way to really get over this kind of anxiety is just through continued exposure, over months and months and months, until finally you slowly stop worrying.

[enigmaticrorschach]

having an emotion shut off switch is really really bad. being able to deal with issues, no matter how long they take or how hard they are is much better than just turning you emotions off for you just may never be able to turn them back on. I was forced to learn to shut the switch off, but if I had an option, I would go through the hardships because those scars are to me badges of pride and it says "no matter what you do, you can't hurt me." but that's just me. people have many opinions but for me, I wear what ever scars I have with dignity no matter what I went through that caused them

[stephaniec]

What Carrie said, I was super paranoid because I live in a downtown area with a lot of college students and a zillion eyes looking at me. It took me a long time to face those eyes and snickering , but you get to that breaking point. I'm still not totally there yet , but I make progress everyday . I won't go out with out my make up or dress any more and I'm going to Target and get myself a brightly colored feminine spring jacket. Once that God awful fear is gone, freedom reigns .

[Ltl89]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.  Honestly, I've been so depressed and paranoid the past few days I'm finding it hard to function.  Most people that know my situation are honestly nice and accepting, but my family isnt, although they aren't bad people.mAnd I'm being forced to come out to my dad which I refuse to do tonight.  I'm about to break down and cry over it and I'm just trying to finish my day at work without thinking of it.  Honestly, I'm having a really hard time with this all.  I should be happier and free, but instead I feel more frightened and scared about how much of a freak I am to the world.  And maybe its all in my head.  Outside my family, who are very verbal most people who know have been more awesome than I could hope for, but I am a broken person and worry that life is only going to be harder, that I'm a freak to the world ,etc.  I haven't gotten past these stage cause of this fear that I am going to be ostracized.  And yet, it really hasn't happened outside of family. Yess, there have been a few jerks and mean people that I know think poorly of my situation, but they have been the minority.  But still the fear is never ending and I can't help but feel like I'm walking garbage for being who I am.  I guess I fear so much of what the world must think or feel about me, that I miss what most really do.  But still even if its not happening I wonder what will happen when I present differently and start making bigger changes.  And I really want to start doing that cause I am so depressed and hurt on the inside that I can hardly contain it.  But I feel held back from fear of what others will think and that the world will laugh/judge me.  And this has gone on for years and I'm wondering if I can ever get over the fear of others and what they may or may not think.  I don't know if I can and don't know if I can do all of this. I just don't want to be trapped anymore, but I realize I'm the only one trapping me.  Even the people who do judge, even if in the minority, shouldn't have a say over my life.  I just want to get passed all of this, but fear I'll always be stuck and I have no one but me to blame.

Sorry, I'm just in a bad place and I'm supposed to tell my dad while he is out by me.  I just can't do it out of fear of what he'll think, but I'm going o be outed anyway if I don't do it myself. Mom just freaking out cause everyone is going to know and I'm terrified.

How do I get through this fear?  How did you do it?  I just don't know anymore and I know my fear and paranoia has made more problems than there really are for me.   

[Kellam]

For me the main thing is asking myself if I feel good. If that is the case then I can shove the negative thoughts away. Meditation, baby steps and repetition are the rest. I demand to be in total control of my new normal.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

Can you be proud of being trans? Being trans means you've endured difficulties others don't dream of. You've surmounted them, moved past them, been made stronger by them. You've seen the world from both sides of the gender divide. That gives you a wisdom that others don't have.

Hold your head high. Show them the proud face of transgender. One of you is worth 1,000 of them.

I agree with this sentimate and it goes similarly with my advice, learn to love yourself. If you feel good about yourself and people people say something against you things seem to bother less. Like if you're skinny and someone calls you fat, hopefully you could tell yourself that you know they're wrong and not let it phase you(just as an example) so my mentality it to just try to feel as good as possible and let anyone who disagrees that I'm awesome just be ignored. I've pulled it off once so far. I got a male pronoun and at first I started to feel down but I was able to convince myself that I looked cute and ->-bleeped-<- them if they couldn't tell. Easier said then done but pride and loving yourself can go a long way.

[rachel89]

For me, not having to dress or act like a guy (I'm not sure my mannerisms so femme yet either,) feels liberating enough to put up with stares and rude comments.

[Sabrina]

What has worked for me is true acceptance of myself and loads of confidence. I don't give an expletive what anyone else says or thinks. Slowly getting into things will make it easier for yourself and those around you. I would recommend against going from super manly man one day to sexy female mode the next. This will likely cause shock to those around you and bring about undue stress to yourself.