Trying to identify myself

[KristinaM]

So, I'm a 33 year old male, been married to my wife for nearly 8 years, and she's pregnant with our first child.

When I was younger, I can remember wishing I had breasts, praying and praying and praying to wake up the next morning with a set of my own, but no luck of course.  I would steal/buy women's underwear and lingerie to wear.  I wished (and still do wish) I could grow my hair out (trying unsuccessfully once since it's so curly). I pierced my ears and enjoy wearing dangly earrings, and I enjoy painting my finger nails, etc...  I wanted to crossdress several years ago, but never did, and I even used to want to crossdress as female anime characters for conventions, but never did!  My wife has questioned my sexual orientation before.  I'm not exactly masculine, my mannerisms can be quite effeminate and I am small framed.  She has expressed thinking that maybe I was a closeted gay man, but if anything I always rebutted her saying that I was just a lesbian trapped in a man's body!  I've also been wearing thong underwear since I was about 15.  Once I found thongs for men where everything didn't hang out the sides, I was just ecstatic!

Now I wonder how much of that is actually true and not just something I can continue to brush off.  I feel like I might want to live as a woman, or at least try to.  I just don't know where to start.  I've spent so long conforming to this male role in my life.  I'm thinking now about wigs, a manicure, earings, makeup and nail polish, shaving my legs, and of course the clothes.  Not sure where to start though except to visit a nail salon and then go wandering through the women's department at Kohl's!  And I have to be able to go back to work on Monday morning!

I watched a couple videos of transgender children and I could relate with everything they were saying, but at the time 20-25 years ago it wasn't something I had much control over and never expressed it to my parents anyways I don't believe.  I got into the gothic scene at the end of high school and into college, and that was great because I could be completely androgynous without any questioning glances.  And maybe that's all I really need or want, I don't know...  I need to talk to someone though to figure things out I guess.

And then there's the problem of my wife and my family.  My wife is in tears since I told her about this just a couple days ago.  Well I haven't even told her I wanted to start trying to live as woman yet, just that it was something I could identify with these transgender children and I wonder if I've just suppressed it all these years and what I should do now.  She's worried she won't be able to stay with me or that I won't want to stay with her, but I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.  I hope that she can find it in her to let me experiment and find myself without judgement.  I hope that I can be the "father" to our daughter that I want to be to her as well.  I enjoy working with my hands and fixing things, doing what I can to make things right, and this is something that I feel I need to make right, or at least figure out if it needs to be made right!

I read somewhere that this forum had an "Androgyne" forum?  Can someone point me there maybe?  I can't seem to find it.

[V M]

Hi Tristan 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's

[KristinaM]

Thank you. I just want to make it clear that for more than two decades, I firmly believed that i should have been born a girl. I put that on the back burner when I met my wife and we got engaged and married. Now she's half way through her pregnancy and maybe that's the worst time to drop it on her, but it happened.  The last thing I want to do right now is lose my wife, but she isn't taking this very well, and I haven't even tried on one of her dresses yet! Or bought my own...

I tried to suppress the urges, desires, wishes and dreams as just that, something abnormal from my past rearing up on its ugly hind legs and reminding me that I couldn't have it. I wasn't allowed to act or be those ways anymore. Now that I'm not single and am responsible for the well-being of my family.  It hurts to let those memories of the past go though. And with every passing day they cut more deeply. Taunting me for the life I could have lived.

When in the same stroke, it pushes my wife further and further away from me. The last thing I want to do is lose her and how she makes me feel, how we get along, and the stability of the household we share. I believe those are characteristics that should remain so we can raise our (presumably) beautiful daughter together. And I really want to be that "handy-man father" figure to her, regardless of my gender identity.


So, the list begins for personal grooming
Manicure and nail polish
Leg and face hair removal (shaving for now)
Eye brow waxing
Wig
Makeup - foundation, concealer, mascara, lip gloss, eye shadow, anything else?
Buying my first dress/outfit including accessories, earrings, rings, necklace or choker (for the small Adams apple I have) hair barrettes for my short hair, hose and shoes.
And.... Last but not least, finding a gender therapist to talk to in the Raleigh area.
Oh, and what about a training bra?



Later on stuff
Electrolysis
HRT
Rhinoplaaty
FFS (if needed)

In on the fence about SRS. Doesn't seem like something I want to commit to right now, but years down the line that may change.

[KristinaM]

Any suggestions on what type of dresses may flatter my body shape? I'm thinking of 1-2" halter top style that comes below the knee. Not too deep of a neckline, not choking me, but not showing off my lack of cleavage either. Solids or prints? Something lose enough to hide a bulge as well, but not a nightgown!  Thinking of wearing it out to a club just to see how it goes. I guess I'll need a handbag too, geze there's a lot to think of.

And this is all stuff that's come to mind before speaking with a counselor even.

Goddess I hope this is the right decision.

Back to my lists above though, what am I missing?

[Ny]

Welcome to the forums! ^_^

I didn't see voice training on there. Voice training is very difficult for some... okay, it's very difficult for me, and it's something that could easily take a very long time to get down. Don't just speak in a high voice, learn to inflect and resonate like ciswomen do without realizing it.

As another person who has newly come out and who also likes to dive right into things, I'd like to suggest you take a deep breath and slow down. Even if you're certain this is what you want, rushing the transition may not be best for you long term. Changing your body and presentation is a Big Deal, so don't go so fast you mess things up! For instance, if you try to change your voice too much too fast in the wrong way, you can actually get callouses on your vocal chords and cause serious harm to them.

I'd recommend starting with finding the gender therapist. They can help you make realistic plans, establish a timeline, and your health insurance may require you to see one for a certain amount of time before covering HRT/SRS/etc.

Facial hair removal is another thing you may want to do on the early side, since even if you change your mind about going forward with stuff, at least you won't have to shave every morning! It also takes many months. If you have lightish skin and darkish hair, definitely look into laser (diode or alexandrite - don't go with IPL!). Since laser is significantly faster, cheaper, and less painful than electrolysis, but only works on dark hairs on light skin, the ideal way to do it is to laser as much as you can, then use electrolysis for the rest. Also, I've read somewhere that HRT makes laser harder since it makes the hairs thinner and thus harder for the laser to find so you should do laser before starting HRT, but I don't know if that's actually true or not.

[KristinaM]

Alright, I've had a day or so to think about it all now and here's what happened.

I went to the local LGBT Center here in Raleigh and picked up the routine pamphlets and found out when the next Transgender Initiative: Gender Social would be held.  I've made plans to attend and learn more face to face and hopefully identify an appropriate gender therapist for me to talk to.

After that, I shaved my legs, bought a pair of earring studs and somehow got the courage up to go dress shopping at Kohl's. It was supposed to be just a fitting, but I walked out of there with a new bra that I'm convinced fits perfectly if my ribcage wasn't so chunky... And of course two dresses. I'm still identifying what my style is like, so they may both be crap in the end. Now I just need some time alone to dress up and think how I feel about it all.

I think I'm going to look into corsets to help redistribute my shape when under a dress...  Squeeze in these ribs a little and narrow my waist, pushing it all up into my bosoms and down into my hips. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and the mystery gender therapist too.  That sounds like such a simple request to find one, but might as well be picking a lawyer from the yellow pages.

I just want to find a good one, nay, the right one and soon. Some random therapist with a claim to understand surely isn't the one to whom I am doomed.

Dark Secrets brought into the Light. Guard them with the Caring Hands of Legends. Protect us all on this our journey.

[Ny]

Have you seen this site? It seems like a useful resource: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1429540823.334_25702&city=Raleigh&spec=187&lmore=22

I found my gender therapist (whom I haven't seen yet - first appointment is in a couple days - but she seems wonderful) by asking a genderqueer friend's therapist for recommendations (he wasn't taking new clients). He directed me to two people's profiles on that site, and they both seemed very knowledgeable, and they seemed like great matches for me.

Maybe you'll find someone there whose profile sounds like a good match for you? You might want to choose someone who lists "transsexual issues" as a specialty, or who mentions that it's one of their primary focuses.

Good luck!

[KristinaM]

Thanks for the link, and best of luck in your counseling sessions.  I may go and check that out in a week or two, but right now I'm just kind of marinating on things.  What do I want, what do I need, what baby steps to take in expressing myself, etc...  I'm doing research on feminizing my form with exercise, diet/supplements and corsets, as well as how to grow out my curly hair.

I'm really excited about attending the Transgender Social event scheduled for a week from now!  Can't wait!  /squee!  Super ready to meet others in person and learn more about what's on the road ahead of me.  Seriously hoping it's the best place to network and find a therapist too.

On the other hand, my wife says she needs "normalcy" at home right now.  She can't handle all this and even went to the doctor to get meds for the anxiety it's causing her.  So I'm trying to keep things low-key for the time being (hence the limited research mentioned above).  I'm not going to stop investigating my feelings though, I'll just have to shield her from it the best I can for now...

-Tristan

[barbie]

And then there's the problem of my wife and my family.  My wife is in tears since I told her about this just a couple days ago.  Well I haven't even told her I wanted to start trying to live as woman yet, just that it was something I could identify with these transgender children and I wonder if I've just suppressed it all these years and what I should do now.  She's worried she won't be able to stay with me or that I won't want to stay with her, but I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.  I hope that she can find it in her to let me experiment and find myself without judgement.  I hope that I can be the "father" to our daughter that I want to be to her as well.  I enjoy working with my hands and fixing things, doing what I can to make things right, and this is something that I feel I need to make right, or at least figure out if it needs to be made right!

Tristan,

The responses of your wife is quite normal and typical. My wife also showed the same. She wondered whether I am homosexual or not as I started wearing women's dress, and still some people around me wonder it. Nowadays I reply that I am gynephilic.

It would takes a long time for your wife to understand your ->-bleeped-<-. As long as she is sure of your willingness to sustain and love your family, she may accept your change. My bottom line was HRT. I gave up HRT, although I got a permission letter from a psychologist. Some wives are not willing to understand and accept the ->-bleeped-<- of their husband based on their religious belief or other stuffs. Fortunately, my wife believes Buddhism, one of the best religions for transgender people. The worst has been Catholic in the U.S. Here in my country, Catholics are very open-minded, which is a quite contrary to the U.S..

barbie~~

[KristinaM]

So, me and my wife had some great conversation last night for a couple hours.  Very calm, sensible, pragmatic, and only a couple mildly emotional moments.  She says she's been to both ends of the negative emotional spectrum when I'm not around though, from depression/sadness to anger.  She seems to be mediating though and beginning to realize that when I originally brought this up, I didn't have any plans to do anything about it.  It wasn't an intentional slight against her when I said, "I think I'm transgender."  It wasn't until I started doing more research into what it meant that I realized it was kinda like Pandora's Box, and once opened, it usually doesn't ever go away.

So, I've started embracing things like how I find some shoes irresistibly cute!  I'm wanting to grow out my hair, get a manicure, wear earrings more often and get some better fitting clothes for work.  I'm gonna go for a more androgynous/metrosexual appearance at work over the next few months.  Slacks and shirts that aren't so baggy, and I even want a pair of Wingtip Heels to wear!  Just do a Google image search for "Ladies Wingtip" if you can't picture it.  I think my favorite so far is the 5th picture or so in the list, a black/white number on Amazon by Aris Allen with a blocky 1.5"-2" heel, that I find absolutely adorable!  I already wear all black wingtip men's shoes at work so it should be somewhat easy to get by with wearing an all black pair similar to those.  I want the black/white ones too though for going out. 

Barbie, I looked up gynephilia and I really like that term..  I probably am too somewhat, or perhaps it's just a good defacto identifier that "best explained" my feelings when I was younger.  Never having been able to really explore my femininity to see for sure.  As it seems now though, I'm starting to just get sheer joy from beginning to express my femininity instead of any sort of sexual arousal.

So Barbie, you're not on HRT?  That was the line your wife drew for you?  I'm happy that your religious beliefs aren't conflicting with your path.  Me and my wife are Pagan.  She's more eclectic Wiccan and I'm Druid.  These paths don't conflict with being transgender either.  In fact, in many pagan cultures, shamans and such are typically transgender, gay, or similar from what I understand.

-Tristan

[The_Alistair]

I'd like to say first, hello! And I suppose it's always a question is it ever too late to find ourselves? MY therapist told me when it comes to bottom line, there is only you. You when you are alone. You are the one looking in the mirror. Are you happy with the reflection? Yes, then good. You can be satisfied with yourself just the way you are and that's FANTASTIC. If its a no, like I've been, then change the reflection. Change to what you want to see. Change the outside to see who you are when you close your eyes.

Again this is the opinion of my therapist, who has no reference to your life or situation, I just think it might help. I suggest getting counseling for yourself or even stopping in on a local Trans Alliance group as an ally and see what you think.

[barbie]

So, I've started embracing things like how I find some shoes irresistibly cute!  I'm wanting to grow out my hair, get a manicure, wear earrings more often and get some better fitting clothes for work.  I'm gonna go for a more androgynous/metrosexual appearance at work over the next few months.  Slacks and shirts that aren't so baggy, and I even want a pair of Wingtip Heels to wear!  Just do a Google image search for "Ladies Wingtip" if you can't picture it.  I think my favorite so far is the 5th picture or so in the list, a black/white number on Amazon by Aris Allen with a blocky 1.5"-2" heel, that I find absolutely adorable!  I already wear all black wingtip men's shoes at work so it should be somewhat easy to get by with wearing an all black pair similar to those.  I want the black/white ones too though for going out. 

Tristan,

Both of your wife and your colleagues will accept your enjoyment of expressing your femininity, as long as it does not detract you from your professional work.

My wife and colleagues initially worried about it, but I have demonstrated that it does not seriously affects my productivity as a scientists or an educator. Although I am not so much rich, my job, income and the subsequent pension is very stable, which my wife always appreciates. Monetary independence is important. And she knows very well how much I love our kids, and that I am ready to sacrifice something for my kids. My 2nd son does not accept well my crossdressing, but he can not do anything except some complaining. There is no difference between adults and kids in the ability of understanding transsexualism and its implications for social life.

So Barbie, you're not on HRT?  That was the line your wife drew for you?  I'm happy that your religious beliefs aren't conflicting with your path.  Me and my wife are Pagan.  She's more eclectic Wiccan and I'm Druid.  These paths don't conflict with being transgender either.  In fact, in many pagan cultures, shamans and such are typically transgender, gay, or similar from what I understand.

The line was drawn by both the surgeon and my wife. The surgeon is the most prestigious surgeon on SRS here in my country, and he said that he will prescribe HRT if I come again with my wife and she consents. I still think he is a nice surgeon. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=71775.10

My background is actually shamanism. My maternal grandmother was a shaman. Shamanism is still influencing people in my country. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=62846.15

I hope that you will enjoy wearing feminine beauty items while performing excellently in your work place and sustaining and keeping your family well.

barbie~~

[KristinaM]

Tried my hand at some makeup tonight, just eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. I need sooo much practice it isn't even funny.

I wish my hair would like grow out overnight, but I don't want to wear a wig.  I feel longer hair would go a long ways to helping feminize my face.

Also discovered I need to start working on getting some skin care products I guess now that my acne seems to have calmed down.

All of this on my mind and it's just scratching the surface of what it takes to live as a girl each day, and yet I don't feel burdened by it at all. I feel invigorated by the prospect of improving myself.  :-)

[katrinaw]

Hi Tristan, Welcome, Wow such a lot of action...

Easiest first, doing makeup takes time, I remember my first attempts, so gaudy and obviously not done by a woman... takes practice... Today, even though I've not started Laser and Electro I tend not to wear makeup, and when I do its very light on...
I still have not come out to SO's, despite having boobs, which like you I used to want them to magically grow over night, along with my male genitals disappearing! (Shame its not fairytale stuff). I think my wife is a little more than suspicious too... I suspect she will not want to hear it though (long story on why I am still in limbo, but not for much longer, I pray)
Clothing depends on your body shape, now and as HRT takes your body into femininity, generally dresses that flair from the waist (A Line etc..) will help, depending on your build, keep away from clothes that may emphasis your shoulders... You'll be wanting plunge necklines as soon as your boobs start to flourish, along with good push up and plunge bra's...

Anyway enjoy the forums, lovely to have you onboard 

L Katy

[barbie]

Also discovered I need to start working on getting some skin care products I guess now that my acne seems to have calmed down.

I always clean my face with cleansing toner. My favorite product is:

http://www.cleanandclear.com/astringents-toners/essentials-deep-cleaning-toner-sensitive-skin

I keep more than 10 bottles of it at home.

barbie~~

[Tessa James]

Welcome to Susan's Tristan,

You inquired about an androgyne section on this forum and i would point you toward the Non Binary threads.  There is a lot of room for self expression and appearance of gender non conforming people.  Sometimes the only thing we have in common is being transgender and some don't like that label either;-)

The history of medical/surgical/psychological treatment of transgender people in the USA includes a period in the 50s and 60s when only a handful of the thousands who applied for transgender care were accepted.  The gatekeeping was crushing for most and preferred people who would most likely be passable (whatever that means), would be heterosexual, had sufficient private funds and be wiling to relocate and go stealth.

There are still many people who legitimately identity with the common narrative of feeling like a man or woman in the wrong body.  There are others like myself for who the story is far more complex and we are singing our song and dancing to our own drummer.  Good luck and congratulations on taking so many steps forward toward being true to yourself.

[KristinaM]

So, I'd like to start off by apologizing for all the brain vomit that spilled from my fingers and onto my keyboard over the last week.  I had no idea where to start and was just typing out anything and everything that popped into my brain practically.  I'm really not as overboard and scatter-brained as it may seem.    I just really enjoy doing research!

As for the current state of things:

I've spent way more money than I probably should have on clothes, shoes, makeup, earrings and skincare products now, lol.  But I've got myself fairly well stocked I think for a good long while.  A couple pairs of slacks, couple blouses, couple dresses, couple pairs of shoes, etc...  Not a ton in any one area, but a few select items that I really like in each.  I probably can borrow some of my wife's old clothes too.  I stole a pair of her old jeans that don't fit her anymore. 

I'll be attending that Transgender Social gathering tonight and am oh so looking forward to making some new friends and letting my proverbial hair down.  Hoping to find some therapist references too.

Over the past year I've gained a little extra weight that's gone directly to my belly area and I've been unable to exercise like I used to due to health reasons, but over the past 2 weeks I've dropped 10 pounds and 3 inches from my waistline, hoorah!  Getting my curves by slimming my waist instead of widening my hips at the moment.    Gotta start eating more salad, lol.


P.s.  The pic in my avatar is from the movie, "Just One of the Guys," in case you've never seen it.  If you haven't, you need to.  The way she looked at the end of the film after returning to "girl mode" is kinda the look I'm going for since we have similar hair, and I love the 80's...

[KristinaM]

The Transgender Social went pretty well I thought, met about a dozen very nice new people, of which one was also named Tristan, a FTM though.  How ironic.  We even have the same last initial....  /facepalm.

Getting better at applying foundation, powder, lipstick and mascara, haven't tackled eye shadow yet (don't have any)... and I've been scared to uncap my eyeliner pen again, lol.  I really wish I'd gotten a picture from last night, my first night out in public like that.  Maybe better that I didn't.

I've got some contact info for therapists that accept my insurance and specialize in transgender issues as well, so I'll be calling today and trying to make an appointment I hope.

[Tessa James]

Hey Tristan no need to apologize here, we go free form often.  So much of what you write about is familiar.  From weight concerns to spending too much on a new wardrobe;-)  I would only wear dresses and skirts my first 8 months out.  It was part of my need to distinctly separate from the man I once portrayed. 

So far lipstick is my only make up and I have colorful glasses that make up for the rest.  Kinda want to avoid the routines that might keep me at the mirror too long. 

You are taking some important steps forward and it seems to be working out for you.  You sound very ready to see a therapist and consider more about all of this transgender stuff.  Let us know how things feel to you.