Last night I woke up from a dead sleep, TWICE, to the unwelcome presence of an anxiety attack. I've only ever had an anxiety attack once before in my life that I know of, about a year ago or so, and it wasn't this intense. I literally wanted to physically get up from the bed and run around inside my house to try and escape the feelings, but I couldn't because I was paralyzed (or sleepy? lol) and shaking/convulsing with overwhelming dread! I was able to get back to sleep each time and I have no idea how long they actually lasted. When I woke up for the morning, I could still feel the sensations of them prickling in the back of my mind, but my wife was able to help calm me down and work through them so I could shower and get ready for work.
I still say I'm just exploring the options, which I am, but it seems more like an inevitability now that I will transition than it did before. I enjoy "cross dressing" and still feel I want to be a woman, through and through, and that hasn't lessened one bit over the past couple weeks. It's intensified really. No idea how much of my male life I will want to keep up in the future, but I'll figure that out when I start tipping the scale the other way, hehe. I'm SUPER EXCITED about the idea of male-failing!
But back to the attacks. This paralyzing anxiety seemed to stem from the fear of not being able to progress down this inevitable path of transition. As if for some reason, I wouldn't be allowed to, or wouldn't have the courage, or would otherwise be restricted by some outside force, preventing me from self-expressing as a woman. It simultaneously made me very afraid and very sad. I can't explain it, as most anxiety attacks are inexplicable anyways it seems. I wonder if this is going to be the first of many similar evenings...
