Desperately need "relationship" advice

[Mermaid]

Hello... I'm going through a very hard time, where I don't know what to do... I've walked away from my absolute best friend out of jealousy, I can't sleep at night and I keep crying... It's also sort of affecting things with my current boyfriend, I have no idea if what I'm doing is the right thing and REALLY need an outside perspective on things... This might end up being kind of long so I'm sorry for that first of all.. I hope it doesn't keep anyone from reading and providing their insight... It's major to me so I feel obligated to provide a background/context to what's happening... I'm not proud of some things but at this point I don't care and will be totally open...

I'm an introvert, so a few years ago the Internet was my vehicle for exploring my sexuality, intimacy and identity for a while... I took on a female identity in a social videogame to interact with people as a girl... I met a guy there (mostly in an erotic context) who was great, so I gave him my MSN at the time so we could be more in touch and find out about each other... Fast-forward a few months and I was in love with him...
We spent countless days and nights, chatting away for hours... He was kind, sweet, only 4 years older and things were great, but... He didn't know I was trans. Noone did at that point, except my mom... We got into a long-distance relationship, making plans and dreaming of being together... So... I had to tell him... When I did, he felt "deceived"; his reaction offended me so I snapped, blocked him after telling him to forget me and ran off to my mom's bed to try sleeping (from this, take into mind that I am easily offended, insecure and impulsive...)

The next morning he said he'd still love me the same, and so we continued. Our relationship lasted close to two years, me with gender issues, him with PTSD (rape survivor)... We clashed so much, I was so emotionally needy that I expected constant attention, whereas he has anti-social defensive tendencies and seriously needs his space... I didn't understand that at the time, so I equated him preferring to play games by himself as disinterest in me, or if he went too long without saying anything... Needless to say, we put huge emotional strain on each other, his behaviour fed my insecurities, whereas my insecurities triggered his frustration and made him feel "obligated" to center his life around me... It was unhealthy and we were both clueless...

After two years he broke up with me. I was devastated, he disappeared for about a month... Until we started talking again, agreed that we hurt each other constantly, and settled on being friends. I accepted this gladly, since we didn't work as a couple and furthermore long-distance was stressful and heartbreaking... I still loved him though, so after a few months I asked him if he still liked me... He said no, and it crushed my world... My life did a 180, I was so upset that I started dating guys in real life for the first time to help me "get over him"... In a sense I am glad that I did, because I started experiencing romance without being behind a computer, I tried things I had fantasized about forever, lost my virginity and really matured... However, I always stayed in touch with Joe (giving him that name so that it doesn't get confusing), and we became best friends. He knew of what I was doing and for the most part my feelings for him seemed gone... But it's not like I felt I was falling in love with the guys I was dating, just a bit of romantic affection, but nothing that was blowing my mind (like Joe in the beginning).

Now, I was sure I was over Joe, or thought so, and even got myself into a stable relationship with a GREAT guy... Until Joe told me he went back to meeting women as his male online persona (in an erotic environment)... At first I was happy because with his intimacy issues (due to PTSD), it seemed like he was overcoming that... But then it started to bug me; him talking about these women and how they hound him, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable... Jealous, even. Then he invited me to revisit that game we met in to play with him, but stated he had two girlfriends, across two personas/characters (its not cheating or anything, people shouldn't get emotionally invested in that place, they rarely disclose private details about themselves and just socialize through characters)... I was fine with it, mostly curious? But then he made me feel so left out, he said he would give priority to his characters' girlfriends and wound up ignoring me on Skype for 6 hours, not communicating at all, just absorbed with someone else in the videogame he invited me to play... I felt so sad and invisible...

I complained about it the next day and he said "sorry", although hours later he said he was going to go roleplay and hangout with his other character's girlfriend, and that's when I started boiling... After making me upset by ignoring me the previous day, he feels more beholden to mess around with a random whore whose name he doesn't even know than to play with me to make up for having ignored me? I felt so jealous and excluded... The whole thing is toxic and I felt like I couldn't be his best friend because what he does affects me negatively...

I told him I would disappear and not talk to him again, that we could e-mail each other now and then but avoid contact... He asked me not to go, said he still "liked" me but was past doing anything "serious" online because of how insane our relationship was... That I was important and that losing me over that was surreal, that he didn't know how negatively it affected me... (I was able to hide my jealousy for a good while).

So yeah, I feel betrayed, because in the past the more our relationship developed and grew, the less intimate we'd be... I have read that some people with a history of sexual abuse can end up feeling more comfortable having sex with strangers than with their girlfriends (because there's no emotional attachment there's no pressure), is this true? Could it be his case?

I just hate how irrelevant he makes me feel sometimes... He can seem so selfish and insensitive. He hates feeling any sort of commitment towards people and likes only doing what he feels like... Gets really mad sometimes and can't admit a mistake... If he's in the wrong or gets called out on something he pouts...

When I talked about my partners after him, he was fine, except when it was "detailed"... Although one time I was frustrated about my BF wasting my time when we went shopping, and "Joe" kinda made fun... "he's buying bread baskets?!" - I dunno if he's jealous or not. I think not, but I wasn't of his stuff either, until directly confronted with it... He reacts poorly to anything sexual related to me.

I felt I was over him but now he is all that I think about... We spoke for hours everyday for years, we were so close and best friends, but now I've realized I can't stand the thought of him not being sexually interested in me anymore. Like, we had both come to terms with things not working out online between us, we agreed it was too hard, so there's no bad-blood about our break-up... But imagining him having feelings for someone else kills me... Although he doesn't, he barely knows those other women and it's mostly fictional roleplay and storytelling, for romance and masturbation purposes, I guess... But it still hurts me, that there's a possibility of him being interested in someone else in the future, because I still think about him =(

I stopped talking to him on Tuesday night, and he spent his Wednesday playing that game with that woman's character, although he emailed me before bed. Then I responded to his email, told him about my day buy also about how much I had cried and how hard it was for me to leave him, that I was worried about how he might be doing and linked him an emotional song... He in turn didn't reply to the email and spent the day fapping and roleplaying his fictional relationship with a stranger... It hurts...

Is it because he's bad with feelings? Maybe he got emotional and didn't wish to reply out of discomfort? He's very lazy and sensitive about that kind of thing... I know for a fact he doesn't care about the people he plays and writes romance with, because there's multiple of them and it's just a very sexual environment... People don't really go there for meeting people, it's to sex strangers.

Dunno what to think... I really want to still be his friend, he helped me so much in the past. I painted a grim picture of him but he is very sweet to me... We act cuddly and affectionate all the time, just not sexual... And I realised that now that he's not repressing that side of him anymore, I wish he felt comfortable to show sexual interest in me... But he would never have the initiative to again, not with our past, we do better as friends...

I wish people could make their analysis of my situation with him and give me advice.... Is it fair that I am quitting being his friend because I can't control my jealousy? Am I right to distance myself knowing I'm the ONLY friend he has?
Does it sound like he cares about me at all? Could his behaviour be tied into his PTSD?

I'm sorry for writing so much... Felt like I said a lot and still didn't describe the situation very well... =(
I feel so silly being in a relationship and letting myself be bothered by what someone I was with online years ago is doing...

[sam1234]

Mermaid,
you have been very open and honest, so I'll try to answer you as honestly as I can, even if is not what you want to hear.

Getting into a relationship when one party has a serious emotional issue is difficult, but when both parties have serious issues, its only going to lead to a mess. In this case, your's and Joe's needs are exactly the opposite, so it was close to doomed from the start. You can't help someone else in a serious relationship when you are needing help yourself.

Normally, I think people should tell the person they are dating that they are transgenders fairly early on if they think they are falling hard and are going for a long term serious relationship. Before  you invest your heart, you need to know if the person you are falling in love with is going to accept you. All of you, regardless of how far you have come. Casual dates for fun are different and another subject. If you don't tell someone you think you are falling in love with, and don't tell them, they may find out if you ever having a serious illness or injury and wind up in the hospital where it will become obvious to Dr.s. They could also find out if they bump into someone who knew you before. There may be some people who would deal very well with this. I think I would feel betrayed because the person I was involved with didn't trust me enough to tell me.

Online is a little different. You have more time because you may or may not meet. From a guy's perspective though, Joe probably had a mental picture of you and probably fantasized about you. When he found out so much later, he may well have felt foolish and embarrassed. I don't know him, so I'm just speculating.

You obviously still have feelings for Joe, and probably still love him or you wouldn't be jealous. On his part, and this is just me, I think it is in poor taste to be giving somewhat graphic information about his girlfriend(s), to you. This is for two reasons. He must know you still care for him, and its possible he still cares for you. The other reason (and again, this is just my opinion), is that if he cares for the girls he is dating, he should respect them enough not to be giving out details they may consider private.

I can't speak for craving attention, but as a PTSD sufferer myself, that angle i understand. I too am a survivor of rape as a child. I also grew up with an older brother who was extremely violent, psychotic and would wait until late at night before opening my door a crack and just staring at me, sometimes for upwards of an hour. At one point, I slept in the basement, and I would hear the stairs creak as he came down them to stare at me. I finally had to have a hunting knife next to my bed to feel safe. Although this happened when I was a teen, over thirty years ago, I still can't sleep unless I am fully clothed and have shoes on. I'm three states away from him, but it doesn't matter. The point is that Joe is probably hypersensitive to anything he perceives as a threat, even if the rest of us can look at it and not see the threat. Finding out that you were not who he thought you were, (physically anyway), may have upset him as far as his being able to trust his instincts about people.

I'm glad that you have been able to do some dating, you are trying to move in the right direction. It sounds though, like unless you and Joe can come to an agreement about being just friends and having rules that will protect you both, you may need to let go of the friendship. The back and forth is painful for both of you, and not getting either of you anywhere. Joe isn't the only guy out there. It may feel like that now, but love can come more than once. I would suggest however though, that you seek counseling to help yourself before trying to get into a serious relationship. You need to find the source of your own pain, deal with it and then you will be ready to give as well as receive.

My apologies if some of that hurt you, but watered down answers aren't going to help you. I know there were some things I didn't touch on, mainly because i didn't feel like I could answer them. Try being more casual with guys for a while. I know you can't help it if you fall in love with someone, and if it happens, you will have to deal with it from there. Anther good reason to get a good therapist. They can help you through things from an uninvolved position, which is what you need. Friends are great, but they are also kept from always telling you the truth because they don't want to hurt you or lose you.

sam1234

[Mermaid]

Hi, Sam. Thanks so much for your honesty and for having taken the time to answer. Sorry to hear about your PTSD =(

I disclose my transsexuality to anyone I date upfront, but with Joe it was different... it was many years ago and I was a lot more insecure about it, I thought noone would like me...
I don't think that it was a big issue in our relationship, I told him about 4 months in, and we ended up lasting another year and a half... It was very hard to come out, even though we'd once had a talk about our "kinks" and he said "feminine boys" was one of his. Since he liked "feminine boys" I don't think he was particularly averse or disgusted by the concept, although when I asked about his "kink" much later, he couldn't really explain much... Dismissed it as something "he just said", but I don't think anyone would "just say" that for no reason... Do you think he did?
Often times he's expressed having no idea what he wants, no idea what he likes, and wonders if relationships are for him at alll.

He seriously didn't seem to care much for what I looked like, he never asked for pictures, not before I was trans, nor afterwards. Never felt inclined to show himself, either. So yeah, I think he was just shocked at the time, that after a significant amount of time talking, he had no idea of what my life was like, and felt lied to (which is horrible specially in the context of a relationship)... although he was amazingly supportive and had no issues hearing about my appointments seeing pictures of me and didn't shy away from affection, just sex (but that was much later, not after he knew he was trans... we were sexual just a day or two after he had that knowledge and it was fine, or so it seemed)...

Also, I should clarify that he doesn't really give me details about anything sexual he writes with these internet women... mostly he acts puzzled by them, how they're married with kids, like 20 years older than him and roleplaying relationships through characters online... He'll vent about certain obnoxious behaviours or when something makes him uncomfortable or frustrated, but doesn't really get into the nitty-gritty... He's very shy and wouldn't do that, he felt bad even just commenting certain things with me, afraid it'd be "gossip", although it really wasn't...

I just wonder why he sent an e-mail and now hasn't responded to my one yet, knowing I'm not well, clearly... could it be because there was a rather emotional song in it with lyrics about a break-up that really applied to us and it made him emotional like it made me? And he doesn't like emotion so is avoiding saying something? Or is it just because he doesn't care about me at all and only cares for himself... Him spending the entire day in that stupid sexual environment and not having taken the time to reply to his best friend who's going through hell makes me question his character... although I know he's "special"/"different", specially with feelings... =/

[sparrow]

Hey Mermaid... I'm really sorry for what you're going through.  It sounds awful.  I'm not really in a place where I can comment on your relationship in a constructive way.  But it sounds like he's treating you like ->-bleeped-<-, and I don't like that one bit.  One thing did strike me, though:

But it's not like I felt I was falling in love with the guys I was dating, just a bit of romantic affection, but nothing that was blowing my mind (like Joe in the beginning).

This is a pretty common experience.  First time having sex, first time driving, first time doing a drug, first time falling in love, first time eating a particularly good meal... our minds are blown.  The next time we have the experience, it's nowhere nearly as good as how we remember that first time being.  This is just how our brains work.

It's also normal to have dulled emotions in response to trauma.  It sounds to me like you're perfectly capable of forming healthy relationships with other guys, but you should measure those romantic feelings against other positive emotions you feel day-to-day rather than the high bar set by your first love.

When I met my wife, I was still recovering from an abusive relationship.  I "knew" that I loved her, but I was incapable of feeling that love.  I barely felt it when I proposed to her, but I still knew I was doing the right thing.  Today, I'm recovered.  From time to time, I'm swept away by a wave of that mind-blowing love.  It took almost 10 years.  Now that she's coming around to accepting me as trans, those waves are coming more frequently.

[Jayne]

Hiya, it sounds like Joe has issues that he needs to deal with, he's been through something terrible that can destroy people. Up until late last year I was friends with a woman who's boyfriend was repeatedly drugged & raped as a teenager, some days "Pete" could be the sweetest, most caring person & other days he could be withdrawn & moody for no apparent reason.
Pete used heavy drugs to hide from his problems, it sounds like Joe is using the online world to hide from his problems. I use an online world to hide from my problems, it's the one time I feel I can truly be me as most people online are more accepting than those I meet in public so I understand the appeal of online personas. I also fully accept that using online worlds to escape from reality can not only stop a person from facing their problems but can mean that when they are faced with reality they don't handle things as well as they should (I'm guilty as charged).

Now on to first loves, whilst I never want to be in a relationship with a woman again I still hold a very special place in my heart for the first woman I dated even though it was over 20yrs ago, if she ever got in touch asking for help i'd move heaven & earth to help her, we all hold a special place for the firsts in our life.

Joe obviously has issues & due to his history of abuse he doesn't seem to handle real life encounters very well, I don't think for a second that this is a reflection on you, from what you've posted I don't think you're strong enough to deal with his problems, from what i've seen with my friend Pete I think a great many people would struggle to deal with this, I spent alot of time helping Pete's girlfriend (she was a best mate until Pete's problems caused her to break contact with many people) she lived on an emotional rollercoaster day by day & it ground her down.

You may not want to hear this but I honestly think that no matter how nice Joe can be on his good days you should seriously consider breaking off contact with him, you say you've been with other men so getting out and meeting new people doesn't seem to be a problem for you.
Take some time to get over him & someday you will meet the right person for you

[sam1234]

Online relationships can be hard to make work. I tried a few years ago on e-harmony, and found a girl in Texas, which is quite a few states over. We seemed compatible, got off e-harmony and onto e-mail. After a couple of months, I told her I was a transgender. She was honest and told me she had to think about it. Eventually she decided she didn't care. Although she fell in love with me, I just couldn't bring myself to open up enough to let her in. Subconsciously, I think that is why I chose someone in Texas. The chances of a live, offline relationship was low. We stayed friends for a long time, but our e-mails got more and more infrequent and now we rarely contact each other. I don't think the problem had anything to do with my beging a transgender, it was more that I couldn't feel love for her and she needed someone who could.

Relationships online can work if the people are just using it as a jumping off point, but long distant relationships are just too hard to keep going. After a while, e-mail just isn't enough and the parties want more than just an e-mail every day. They need close contact.

sam1234