Boyfriend of eight months broke my heart

[ana1111]

Ok so I have been posting here a lot more and was debating whether to post this as it's very personal hurtful and I almost feel a little ashamed of talking about it like I feel unworthy and don't want anyone to know... So I have mentioned a couple times my bf because up until now I adored him, I thought he was great inspite of his flaws... Thought about wanting to be with him forever and get married everything... I loved him... Still do :/... And he "loved" me too... Or so he said. We were and technically still are together for eight months and I knew him for over a year... I would go to his house about twice a week and sleep over every time he told me everything and I told him everything... His parents knew me and knew I was trans and seemed to love me. We had sex all the time and he would complement me both my appearance and my personality.. We would tell each other how much we loved each other and he never yelled at me or argued really at all... Anyways he told me something one night about three or four days ago... It's very sad to think about as I had spent the day watching movies that all seemed to have something in common... A wife who adored her husband and got cheated on or divorced, or someone who was inlove and then rejected... After watching all these movies I felt so thankful that my man loved me and I wasn't in that situation... So I sent him a text just saying love you... I had said that so many times so It wasn't a big deal but he didn't answer for a while so I called him to tell him... He sounded kinda anxious and rushed and upset but he said something like aww I love you too.. And I forget what else but then he started apologizing and acting like I was mad or would be mad... I told him I wasn't mad and he said I probably would be and he was gunna do something bad... Anyways I tried interrogating him about what it was and why he felt that way and then he random said something hurtful along the lines of "who's gunna have my baby and have kids with me" I got upset and told him I don't know what to do or say I wish I could do that for you but I can't... Don't you get that I'm sad about that too? And then I started telling him about the movies I watched and my fears when he says things like that... He tells me he really loves me and cares and wants to still be in my life but he feels something holding him back and making things feel less then ideal between us... That he doesn't wanna hurt me and wants to still hang out but doesn't know if it could go on forever as a relationship... I hung up and ignored his calls and we started fighting on facebook... Oddly another guy that likes me a lot but who I was giving a cold shoulder too because I was in a relationship started messaging me and I started messaging him and thought why not... I called my bf and calmly told him about the guy texting me and asked if he really wanted to brake up and if so I would move on... He said he wasn't sure and asked if we could talk in person... So the following night we went to his house and had a conversation that has not only broken my heart but really changed me as a person I think... I asked to be blunt about what it was and why he felt this way... He said he sees me as a girl completely but that the one part of me that wasn't made him feel weird and not want me in a sexual or romantic way as much as if it were different... That he wishes everyday that it was different... I found this so hard to believe or understand as he is someone who has always liked and gone after preop transsexuals... A "->-bleeped-<-" I guess... I had wanted a bf who was "trans attracted" so that this wouldn't happen... I asked if he was unnattracted to that or turned off and he said he wasn't... I also asked if it was that it conflicted with his pretty far right wing ideology or he felt guilty or was something we could work through... He said it wasn't his ideology and didn't know if he would feel different...he's hinted at these feelings but never to this extent or been very clear about it... I still don't get it... If your not unattracted to that part of me and it's not some guilt or shame what is it??He proceeds to tell me that he can't help the way he feels, that I would have this problem with any guy and I told him how hurtful that is and he said he was just trying to tell me the truth and not lie to me.... He and pretty much everyone who knows me close knows this past couple months have been horrible for me and that he was the only person I liked or cared about, that I have no job, no real friends, no self esteem or confidence... Unhappy with my body and transition already and he was the only one who made me feel good, loved me, made me feel attractive, or seemed to like everything about me...we haven't officially broken up but it feels like it.... Nothing has really hurt me this much... The only thing keeping me from extremely destructive behavior is the fact that I'm talking to that other guy who I know likes me, my first therapy session Monday, and the slight hope me and my Brian might work things out some how some way :,(.... I hate men, I hate cis people, I hate whoever or whatever made me like this and I hate me! What should i do?? We've been dating eight months any hope to make things work? Also be kind to me please with your responses...

[SuchisLife]

He sounds confused about himself and his desires.  I don't think this has anything to do with you at all.

[ana1111]

It still hurts though because he's the one I want now... And knowing how much he says he loves and cares about me and how perfect he thinks everything else makes it even sadder

[Lady_Oracle]

First of all BIG HUGS! <3

I know you're in a lot of pain. I was in a similar situation about work and my self esteem in the early years of my transition. Iff you're truly feeling out of touch and disconnected from him than its best to just move on. Those early years of transition are really rough, especially for us young transitioners in our early 20s/late teens since so much pressure is on us, let alone not having financial stability. The last thing anyone needs is a person that isn't making them feel good about themselves. I commend you for having the strength to be in a relationship, cause its not easy at all. If he truly feels that way and doesn't come around at all then I hate to say it but the odds of this relationship being healthy aren't great. Being in a toxic relationship will just make everything worst in the long run even if things calm down for a bit. If he can't truly accept you 100%, hes not worth your time and energy.

I really wish you the best and hope you start feeling better sooner than later, heartbreak is the absolute worst 

[SuchisLife]

Well, you can either stay with him and hope he gets over his hang-ups, stay awkward friends in hopes he will accept you eventually and get back together, or you can just move on and let things fall where they may while living your life.  There are obviously even more options than that, but those seems like the most obvious choices. If it were me, I'd use the advice above from Oracle.

The biggest thing here is that there's not much you can do other than stay strong and make sure you look out for yourself.  Do the things which feel right to you.  If they end up not being the right things to do, learn from that and move on with your head up.

The one thing I would suggest for the future is to bring more people into your life outside of a boyfriend.  They will help ground you and make the loss of a boyfriend more bearable.  Having just one of anything is a single point of loss.  If that one thing goes, you're out of luck.

Anyhow, hope my rambling helps.

[Evelyn K]

Hugs Anna. And I mean that.

[ana1111]

I have kinda decided to sorta just not brake up yet but maybe distance myself and become abit less close and attached while trying to keep my options open..

[Cindy]

You never know Honey,

Absence may make his heart grow fonder.

Just take care of yourself, you are young and beautiful, the world is yours for the taking

Hugs

[ana1111]

I feel a few things can happen from doing that... One he will notice it and feel bad and realize he wants my attention and really likes me, two we will brake up and be completely over and I find someone who I like equally and can accept me or three we will brake up and he will then realize he still wants me

[ana1111]

Thanks everyone and thank you Cindy... I know we might not have gotten off on the right foot but that means alot

[stephaniec]

If you don't mind an extra 2 cents thrown in, I think it would help greatly to be more independently stronger and not totally dependent on whether there's always a boy around. Companionship is important ,but you can't degrade you own importance because of someone else's thoughts about who you are.

[katrinaw]

Anna, so many hugs... Its so hard when you are in love, and think you are forever, but it goes off the rails...

It is / will be hard, but be strong, its good that you have someone else to take you mind off of the pain... Sometimes these things happen for the better, in time that may well prove to be the case...

And spilling your heart here is fine, you're amongst close friends and we're all here to help you get through... Hugs

L Katy 

[FrancisAnn]

I know you are hurting however just try to take care of yourself & tell you man that you love him & miss him. He may show up at your door with flowers soon. Be strong young woman.

[herekitten]

Hello Anna,  I know what I am about to write will sound redundant, but here goes anyway because I know what it feels like to be so deep in love with your first. That pedestal you have him on is toppling over. There must be a million emotions coursing through your heart right now but the strongest one is that sense of hurtful disappointment and frustration because he is not able to see what a fantastic future you envisioned. Based on his comment about children, he sounds insecure/immature and it is indicative of someone reaching for excuses to exit a relationship. We all know children are possible with today's technologies. I do not blame you for trying to make it work. You invested a lot of you into the relationship, you've bared your heart and soul and it is only natural you try to make it work. This says a lot about you and how strong you can be and will become. I wish, for you, there was a perfect combination of words or actions you could say or perform that would keep him with you, but based on what you convey about him, it all points to the inevitable (and I hope that I am very wrong). If it does work out, both of you will have overcome a major obstacle and you will be a stronger couple for it. But it will take commitment on his part and not just yours.

Anna, you are very young and have a wonderful life ahead of you. There will be some heartbreaks along the way, but with all my being I can assure you that one day you will look back on them as guides to what is going to be the best thing in your life. ((Big hug)) for you girlfriend. Stay strong, keep that chin up and you are always welcome to reach out to me should you just need a sounding board.

[iKate]

Hugs Anna. I have nothing to add other than you gotta kiss a few frogs before you meet a prince. Unfortunately love isn't easy.

[Rachel]

Hugs Anna,
You are young and beautiful.

He may find out what he lost when you are not there.

[femmebutt]

If you don't mind an extra 2 cents thrown in, I think it would help greatly to be more independently stronger and not totally dependent on whether there's always a boy around. Companionship is important ,but you can't degrade you own importance because of someone else's thoughts about who you are.

^^  I think that's worth a lot more than .02  -- You wouldn't want to fill the void left by self hate or insecurity with another person = Bad for the soul. 

That said,, What little I know of you from the posts on this forum, you have fist fulls of awesome and a lot of spirit. Your lack of confidence seems to be a maturity reaching beyond your years.  Heartbreak is only what heralds the beginning of a new adventure. So slap this new guy into rotation and continue kicking ass!

[Emily E]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems I know it's not easy as I have been there before (not your exact issue but something close) and it always seems so insurmountable when you're in the middle of it.  I've read your posts here on the boards and think you're a beautiful woman with a lot to offer in any type of relationship so never sell yourself short a lot of guys would love to be with you if and when you decide to move on. 

[firestarter]

Hi Anna, Lots of love and hugs to you darling. I have read all the messages on this thread, and I can feel the strength of love going out to you, from everyone on this forum. I hope that is enough to stop you from doing anything drastic. You come across as a truly beautiful woman, inside and out. Be calm, do not chase him, and do not mention this other fella to him again. Go away somewhere if you can, but try to have a genuine reason for not seeing or contacting him. Then breeze back into town like the first beautiful day of summer, put yourself in his view, and see what transpires. If he does truly love you then he will not be able to stop himself from talking to you, and pretty soon he will be banging on your door, if he doesn't, then do not waste any more of your beautiful life thinking about, or waiting for him. ........Really, you HAVE to, and you will move on, and you WILL find a better person to be with, someone more worthy of you, who will give you all the love, respect, and commitment that you deserve. Be strong Anna, you are a beautiful person, and you are already loved immensely on this forum. xxx

[amber roskamp]

Anna the part where he said that that he won't ever feel completely in love with u and no other guy will is total bull->-bleeped-<-. He says he's trying to be honest, so I'm sure he believes that, but it's simply not true. He cannot speak for other guys. He doesn't know their thoughts or feelings. He also sounds conflicted because I seriously doubt he's not sexually attracted to u. Especially if he's into trans women.

u are a stunner hun. If I knew u in person I would be the sad lesbian with a crush on a straight girl. Lol 

if u do end up breaking up. u will get over this guy eventually and u will find  someone who can love all of u. And u will probably look back and question why u liked this guy so much and laugh.  It will take time though. So while ur waiting here is an over the internet hug to hopefully make u feel better now.

*hugs*