SO is outing me to potential employers...

[StrykerXIII]

So, I lost my job after all. Got sent home for "failure to comply with appearance policy", due to my hair, and was fired outright for it Friday because "we gave you a month to alter your appearance in compliance with our policy, and you failed to do so"...don't worry, they haven't heard the last of me yet.

My fiancee has been helping in my job search. She spends her free time at work putting in applications and calling places to see if they're hiring for me. All well and good, but...

She's outing me to every company she calls.

I understand she means well. She's trying to help me find a job that will allow me to be true to myself in one way or another. And so far it's landed me a solid hit - I'm awaiting a phone call from a hair salon in need of a receptionist. The exact words of the manager were, "I've never hired an openly transgender woman before, but I'm certainly open to it - lord knows, they can be VERY style-oriented, I bet she'd fit right in!"

But it kind of irks me. Yes, I realize that she's trying to help me. But...I'm not exactly comfortable with someone else telling a potential employer about my gender identity like that. I'd rather do it myself...I talked to her about it, and she just rebutted with, "You're shy and awkward about it. You'd never be able to say it outright." And while she's probably right...I can't help but feel a little annoyed.

/rant

[Mariah]

Hugs. So sorry to hear about everything is happened, but that hit sounds very encouraging actually. Many of us do want to be stealth and in needing that we dislike every time our past gets brought to light without us being the one that is doing it. It's their loss for firing you and frankly you were to good for them anyway. I agree your fiancee means well, but have you talked to her about your concern about her being the one outing you so she can know how you feel and why. It may seem obvious, but she is probably so focused on finding that job for you that won't get tripped up in the same way that she feels sharing that info is the only way. One possible solution would be for her to find companies that you might fit in at and you do the contacting instead. Anyway that's just an idea. Regardless, I hope you get the job and I hope every works out for you. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

[StrykerXIII]

I did talk to her about it. She brought up how I tend to keep it to myself, how I'm skittish about bringing it up at all, especially around your typical "macho" types or people who have an anti-LGBT air about them. She told me that she knows it's going to be upsetting, but she feels that finding an employer who's okay with me being transgender would be a huge improvement to my mental health...and she's not wrong. Having to suppress it at my last job was taking a heavy toll on me...bouts of depression that would last for days, fits of rage, etc...

[Mariah]

I have no doubt. Hugs. It's amazing what holding that back does to our bodies and mind. I think we all try to hide the fact more so when around the Anti-LGBT crowd. Best of luck and please keep us posted. I always await to see what is happening in your life next. Hugs
Mariah

I did talk to her about it. She brought up how I tend to keep it to myself, how I'm skittish about bringing it up at all, especially around your typical "macho" types or people who have an anti-LGBT air about them. She told me that she knows it's going to be upsetting, but she feels that finding an employer who's okay with me being transgender would be a huge improvement to my mental health...and she's not wrong. Having to suppress it at my last job was taking a heavy toll on me...bouts of depression that would last for days, fits of rage, etc...

[amber roskamp]

I agree that it would help. If you were out at work, but it really isn't her place to make that decision. She does mean well obviously, but I can see why you are uncomfortable.

Also sorry about your job. The professional image is can be so oppressive. I wish that we could do away with it soon.

[StrykerXIII]

I agree that it would help. If you were out at work, but it really isn't her place to make that decision. She does mean well obviously, but I can see why you are uncomfortable.

Also sorry about your job. The professional image is can be so oppressive. I wish that we could do away with it soon.

It's all good. It's not how I wanted to get away from that employer, but at least I'm away.

And yeah, I mean, it's definitely not her place...however, seeing as she's right about the fact that I wouldn't be able to say it myself, and that this could indeed make things better, I think I'm going to just sit back. Heck, for all I know, this may be what it takes for me to finally start heading toward full-time.

[Susan]

Get in touch with the Southern Poverty Law Center...

https://www.susans.org/2015/04/18/southern-poverty-law-center-and-national-center-for-lesbian-rights-file-suit-against-louisiana-company-for-unlawfully-firing-transgender-man/

[awilliams1701]

I understand your frustration with her, but I want you to take a minute and think about how lucky you are that you have someone directly in your life that is looking out for you that much. I have a lot of support, but at the end of the day, I live alone. I don't have any close friends that live nearby. I have TONS of friendly acquaintances. I've wished all along I had someone with me for my journey. I would love to have someone that would do more than just listen. There is someone I'm hoping someday I can ask as a friend to go out shopping with me and give me constructive criticism, but I'm not there yet.

[iKate]

any reason you can't do your job search yourself? It's nice of her to do that even though she's probably making you uncomfortable but if you do your own searching you have control.

[LordKAT]

I'm with Susan, you were fired illegally.

[Tiffers]

This whole situation is disgusting.  What they did was definitely illegal and I would take legal action!  (big hug)

[awilliams1701]

My dad and I were talking about another situation where someone was unjustly fired. I asked why wouldn't they sue? My dad said they don't want to because if you sue your employer, it can become public and no one will want to hire you. A lawsuit with a trans person can be very public.

[Mariah]

Good point and for someone who is already a bit uneasy with explaining to future employers about herself it could be a nightmare in the making. i agree they did do something wrong by firing here and I think they know they will get away it. As much as I would love her to sue them I also don't want to see her put in harms way by a company that might be willing to drag her name through the mud making it more difficult to find a job. Hugs
Mariah

My dad and I were talking about another situation where someone was unjustly fired. I asked why wouldn't they sue? My dad said they don't want to because if you sue your employer, it can become public and no one will want to hire you. A lawsuit with a trans person can be very public.

[StrykerXIII]

I wasn't fired for being transgender. I was fired for "failing to comply with company policy". Apparently, though the length of a "man's" hair is not ever directly addressed in the company handbook, having short hair falls under "maintaining a professional appearance" for "men". Since I was presenting as male, I was apparently expected to have short hair.

[StrykerXIII]

any reason you can't do your job search yourself? It's nice of her to do that even though she's probably making you uncomfortable but if you do your own searching you have control.

I am searching as well. I asked her to help - I figure that with both of us looking, so long as we keep up with who's put in applications for what, we'll get twice as much done in the same amount of time it would take me alone. I intend to discuss my gender identity with any potential employers that contact me for an interview to avoid a repeat of the job I just lost.

[Jill F]

I wasn't fired for being transgender. I was fired for "failing to comply with company policy". Apparently, though the length of a "man's" hair is not ever directly addressed in the company handbook, having short hair falls under "maintaining a professional appearance" for "men". Since I was presenting as male, I was apparently expected to have short hair.

A) You're not a "man".
B) Do women get fired for pixie cuts or being "butch"?
C) Please talk to Southern Poverty Law Center.   David Dinielli is someone my wife used to work with and does wonderful things.

[FTMax]

I agree with all the SPLC advice. Do you still have a copy of your employee handbook or anything from them about the grooming policy? I've followed your posts about workplace stuff since your initial issues with them, and I definitely think you were fired illegally. As long as your hair was neatly kept and you weren't operating in an environment where it could be viewed as a safety issue if not tied back (which I'm sure they would have explained it that way if it was), I think you have very legitimate cause to lawyer up.

My only advice is to keep or get a hold of as much internal policy as you can while you can. I was fired once for violating a policy that wasn't officially on the books. They emailed it out to the staff as I was being escorted out. I would not be surprised if your former company were to alter the policy with more explicit verbiage after the fact.

[awilliams1701]

She did say she was fired for presenting as a man, but not following the guidelines for a man. So its not trans discrimination per se, but it is gender discrimination. Basically she was fired for not fitting into the traditional gender binary. That is wrong in so many ways. I've had long hair since I was 16. Its never been a problem even though my parents thought it would be.

A) You're not a "man".
B) Do women get fired for pixie cuts or being "butch"?
C) Please talk to Southern Poverty Law Center.   David Dinielli is someone my wife used to work with and does wonderful things.

[Beth Andrea]

My dad and I were talking about another situation where someone was unjustly fired. I asked why wouldn't they sue? My dad said they don't want to because if you sue your employer, it can become public and no one will want to hire you. A lawsuit with a trans person can be very public.

I wonder if the judge could put a gag order on the participants? Sure, it'd still be in the public record, but with the parties unable to speak publicly about it, it wouldn't exist in the minds of potential employers.

[awilliams1701]

I suspect a case involving a transgender person is going to be fairly public.