I don't have anything to live for anymore

[Elis]

I just don't see the point, every time I try to see the positive side I get kicked down. I've only been able to survive for the last two years bcos I had my gf, but we broke up and she recently told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. I booked an appointment with a gic but that's still two months away and they still haven't emailed me back with a confirmation. I can't come out at work yet as I'm still on probation so I'm stuck with a name that I hate. My dad still doesn't call me the right name or pronouns and has made no progress on learning lgbtq stuff (although he now tends to call me by no name/pronouns). I can't make any friends at my local ftm group as they're all the wrong age group and have already medically transitioned. Don't bother telling me it gets better, I'm tired of that crap. I just want a break, no one will miss me if I was gone. I wish my local shop had the sleeping pills I wanted on Sunday.

[Mariah]

Elis, I can't fix everything is going in your life and I'm not going to try to. have tried calling them and letting them no it's been that long. It's possible you got buried under other cases. Secondly I highly recommend you call one of the hotlines. Do hang in their because not everything is always going to go are way all the time. It's clear you have it one of those rough patches and I'm sorry that has happened for you. I would think there something out there that you enjoy that your willing to live for. Try focusing on something like that while you work your way through your transition. Good luck and Hugs. Please hang in there and call one of the hotlines
Mariah

[kittenpower]

I just don't see the point, every time I try to see the positive side I get kicked down. I've only been able to survive for the last two years bcos I had my gf, but we broke up and she recently told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. I booked an appointment with a gic but that's still two months away and they still haven't emailed me back with a confirmation. I can't come out at work yet as I'm still on probation so I'm stuck with a name that I hate. My dad still doesn't call me the right name or pronouns and has made no progress on learning lgbtq stuff (although he now tends to call me by no name/pronouns). I can't make any friends at my local ftm group as they're all the wrong age group and have already medically transitioned. Don't bother telling me it gets better, I'm tired of that crap. I just want a break, no one will miss me if I was gone. I wish my local shop had the sleeping pills I wanted on Sunday.

Hi Elis, have you tried reaching out to the suicide hotline? Hold on, you don't want to make a decision that will last forever, especially since you do not know how the story is supposed to end.  You can be the man you want to be, just hold on to positive thoughts and make a plan for the future, set goals, follow through, and you will be where you want to be before you know it.  Feel free to pm me if you want to talk, and please do not do anything to harm yourself. Here is a link to some resources that will help you https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112672.0.html

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It doesn't get better, but you can make it better. You do that by kicking life square in the nuts when it isn't giving you what you want!  Now get back out there and keep fighting!

Hugs, Devlyn

[katrinaw]

Hugs Elis, we are all here to help and support you, please don't give up on yourself, lifes full of hurdles and obstacles, and the best part of life is negotiating and getting over them, makes you stronger.

Yes sure we have all found ourselves in those dark moments but we fight them and turn them into positives.

Seriously life is too precious, your journey is precious to you, push aside these obstacles and charge through them to become who you are and will be, hey you may even make congress and president, the world is changing.

As far as the older folks in the groups near you, befriend them and listen to their stories, i am sure they would all have been where you are at the moment, just having some personal contact is often the best medication.

As per others please reach out and use the help lines.

Hugs and x's

L Katy

[IdontEven]

I would miss you, Elis.

PM me?

[Mysteryman]

I'm pre everything and I'm 32. I live in a place were there are no trans people. I've been alone for years. Especially through my teen years I was so alone and trying to deal with my situation. I was so depressed I lock everything away for ten fcking years. When I was 28 it all can flooding back and I had the worst depression for two years. At the time I had made new friends but they were all straight females apart from my closest friend who is gay and in love with me. The straight ones didn't really comprehend, the gay one feels she lost her best friend. two years on, they finally adjusted, I have a bi gf who I intend to marry and I'm moving back to the UK. I still struggle every day but somehow I make it through. Because things change, people might not change, but they adjust.

I'm curious to see where all this will go. And I know there are people like me out there that just might need me when they are feeling low. I didn't have anyone and it was a btch. So why not hang around to be there for others?

[stephaniec]

well, life can be quite insensitive to your wants and needs, I mean we're on a f------ rock floating around in infinite space what do you expect. actually as a species we have it pretty good except for the things we do to ourselves. I'm lucky in that usually when I'm depressed I'll go to the store and buy a whole lot of different kind of vegetables and make  soup from scratch. It makes me realize that there is some kind of reason for me to have life even though I don't understand the reason. For some reason the earth provides me quite delicious things to eat and drink just so I can live on a rock floating through space. Yea, life can be quite a challenge, but there are rewards.

[traci_k]

Ellis, NHS may be slow, but that's one thing England has over the states. Getting the medical problem solved is more possible than here. As for the rest of your life, you're 21, you have too much opportunity ahead. You can take control of your life. You can find another GF. Yes, things may look bleak, but there is still hope.

As others have said, there are helplines, call them if need be. You are too precious.

Hugs and Love!

Traci

[miya5]

Hello, I hope things have improved for you. I wont tell you that life is wonderful. Life is only precious to those who feel it that way. You are so young and have a lot of living possible. I know that things are hard, I am barley surviving now myself. Just to give you an idea, I will tell you about me. I just really figured out that I am really a women at 42 after 20+ years married to my wife with three teenage girls. My wife flipped out on me. and our whole marriage has been hard financially, I spent many time wanting it all to just go away. I am now 45 soon to be 46 and still wondering if I will have the body and soul match ever.
So you are not alone in this struggle, I know this brings little to solving you troubles. We all wish you the best.

Miya

[Rachel]

Elis, please call a hotline and/or get help.

2.5 years ago I hit a wall and some great people helped me. I started it by doing an intake.

When I was in the thick of it I closed up and did not get help. It was after, right after, when I realized I did not want to die I wanted to live as myself. 

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Elis.  I've spent 52 years learning how to be and being the man I never wanted to be.  I want very badly to do the mother thing and give you a hug and tell you it will be all right, but I get the feeling that is not what you need right now. 

So here is what I learned from being a guy:  Feeling low like that when nothing seems like it is going right is part of being a guy.  It just is, because part of being a guy is *getting stuff done.*  Guys thrive on that sort of thing, which is why it hurts so bad when nothing is going right.  So I am very sorry for your pain, because I know it quite well. And if I were where you are, I would buy you a beer.  Because that is what guys do for other guys.

Now back to being a girl.  Here's a little gift just for you.  I bawled like a baby the first time I saw this:

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