It's hard to figure out how to go about saying everything after the topic title. But I suppose that since I've spent some time here looking through what others have written, what they've experienced and felt, this is a place for me, Isabela, the feminine aspect of myself.
For me growing up, I knew that I looked like a boy and I quickly understood the ideas of gender roles in the culture that surrounded me, which often left me feeling frustrated because I learned that boys weren't supposed to do girly things. Or wear feminine style clothing. Plus, and this is important as well, I certainly enjoyed the traditionally male activities like baseball. But I felt trapped, that there were many others things I wanted to enjoy but could not. Still, the safest thing to do, if not the courageous thing to do, was to behave as boy-like as possible.
I don't have that courage and still don't, even if I can readily see that the cultural climate is much more accepting than 40 years ago. Certainly a large part of that is because I don't want to upset the peace and balance I have managed to achieve at the personal level. I accept that there are two of me, my feminine aspect and my masculine aspect. Only a trusted few know of the feminine me, Isabela, everyone else will only know me as the one I've been for over 40 years. It does cause me some instances of longing and regret sometimes, that I can't live like a woman maybe for a few days at a time and then go back to being a guy for other times. Now is there anyone else like that? Is there anyone else here who kind of identifies as both woman and man?
Which means that I don't believe I have any really strong desire to ever transition or have SRS. Although I do admire and cry some when I read testimonies on here by those who have had the courage to transition and become the person that they felt was trapped inside. You are the ones who will hopefully move the culture forward to one day where kids like us will be able to express themselves freely, without fear and without shame. And I feel like I owe an apology to those of you who have come and out live openly, apologize that I don't have that courage. I'm sorry, I just don't have that courage to fight the battle.
I don't really know how much I'll post here, as it'll probably depend on how much my feminine aspect, Isabela, wants to talk. Thank you for reading.
