It's hard to figure out how to go about saying everything after the topic title. But I suppose that since I've spent some time here looking through what others have written, what they've experienced and felt, this is a place for me, Isabela, the feminine aspect of myself.

For me growing up, I knew that I looked like a boy and I quickly understood the ideas of gender roles in the culture that surrounded me, which often left me feeling frustrated because I learned that boys weren't supposed to do girly things. Or wear feminine style clothing. Plus, and this is important as well, I certainly enjoyed the traditionally male activities like baseball. But I felt trapped, that there were many others things I wanted to enjoy but could not. Still, the safest thing to do, if not the courageous thing to do, was to behave as boy-like as possible.

I don't have that courage and still don't, even if I can readily see that the cultural climate is much more accepting than 40 years ago. Certainly a large part of that is because I don't want to upset the peace and balance I have managed to achieve at the personal level. I accept that there are two of me, my feminine aspect and my masculine aspect. Only a trusted few know of the feminine me, Isabela, everyone else will only know me as the one I've been for over 40 years. It does cause me some instances of longing and regret sometimes, that I can't live like a woman maybe for a few days at a time and then go back to being a guy for other times. Now is there anyone else like that? Is there anyone else here who kind of identifies as both woman and man?

Which means that I don't believe I have any really strong desire to ever transition or have SRS. Although I do admire and cry some when I read testimonies on here by those who have had the courage to transition and become the person that they felt was trapped inside. You are the ones who will hopefully move the culture forward to one day where kids like us will be able to express themselves freely, without fear and without shame. And I feel like I owe an apology to those of you who have come and out live openly, apologize that I don't have that courage. I'm sorry, I just don't have that courage to fight the battle.

I don't really know how much I'll post here, as it'll probably depend on how much my feminine aspect, Isabela, wants to talk. Thank you for reading.

Hi Isabela, welcome to Susans. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

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Hi Isabela 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Isabella and welcome to Susan's. Lot of info and many friends to make.

Welcome to Susan's Isabela 

I think your early years comments are similar to many of ours here, many of us gone into denial phases, once, twice or many times... I for one did the many times one, but here I am now in Overdrive to get to where I always knew I should be... that's the thing with Gender ID and Dysphoria. There's no need for apologies, we are a big global family here.

Anyway do look forward to seeing you around the forums, and good luck with your journey.

L Katy 

Isabella, you and I have had similar paths. But what matters is tomorrow and being a better person from what we do today. There is much to learn and Susan's place will help us, I'm sure.

Hi Isabella,

One thing we have to learn on this journey is that there are no rules. What is right for one person may not be right for another. Some of us seek full transition GRS, living as the woman we are FT, but many others choose a different path. Some women enjoy their lives wearing female clothes when they wish and do not want to go any further, some want low dose HRT to take the 'bite' out of dysphoria. Some of us have no gender dysphoria or hatred of our male bits, some of us loathe them.

Our journeys also change. I wasn't going to go FT, I just wanted HRT and would then blend in as a 60 yr old guy who would wear clothing he/she felt comfortable with when I wished. That didn't last!
I went FT within months of HRT. I sort of liked guys, but not seriously. That didn't last either
Strange though they are they are rather wonderful. One day I may even understand them

Well I can dream

So don't have a set agenda, a really good place to start is talking to a good gender therapist. They really do help. They don't convince you, change your mind, drive you into what you do not want to do. But they do listen and make you face your issues. They allow you to be you. Whatever that you maybe.

One thing I have realised in this journey is that nothing is impossible. I knew with 100% certainty that I would lose my job, family, social standing, be a laughing stock and a joke.

I lost none of those. I did gain happiness and a life I adore loving, and you can as well.

Hi Isabela,

Best thing is to just be you.
No one is going to criticise or condemn you here for doing that.
Feel comfortable the way you want to be.
If you don't want to be a girl 100%, don't be one; if you do, and have commitment, then try.

Feel happy, and welcome here.

Thank you for the kind words and welcome here. I think I can certainly understand how one's feelings about these issues can change and evolve over time. Certainly I've come a long way from the days of purging the feminine clothes and I have come to acceptance that the feminine aspect of me is important and valuable and helps me see the world through somewhat different eyes. I wouldn't want to lose that and I've learned that there is no reason to feel angry at myself for something that is not a handicap or a character flaw, but instead a positive trait and reaffirmation that I'm a complex human being.

And hey, it's a good day. A beautiful new pair of shoes arrived in the mailbox. 

Welcome to Susan's.

There are many who identify as you here. I look forward to seeing you around the site.

Hi Isabela and welcome to Susan's. Our stories are similar somewhat. I have no desire to have GRS surgery. Many transwomen don't. I have been out for nearly ten years and I've never been happier  I'm not completely masculine  and not completely feminine but I have a female brain. I'm 66 years young and living the life I've am meant to live.

Thank you, Cynthia and Gennee, for your comments. I have sometimes in the past browsed forums like these to help me feel not so alone, but until now, had never joined and actually spoken like this. That's not to say that I haven't spoken before in my life as Isabela, but other than a few trusted and wonderful cisgender friends, I have never spoken to others with them knowing me as Isabela instead of my male name.

Today as I've been thinking about this, I find myself wondering more and more about the idea of HRT. Of course if I were to do so it would mean that I would have to make a decision to reveal myself to family and others. But I've realized now as I've grown older and more comfortable with who I am, that maybe that's not an impossible bridge to cross, although it won't be a comfortable crossing, I'm sure. Or maybe it's just me thinking too much about all the dreams I've had where I have breasts. I don't know.

But again, thank you to everyone here.