Time I sorted this out!

[Amanda Gold]

 Hi all
I'm a 53 year old British guy, been cross-dressing on and off since I was about 9. Hit another crisis with it and would be grateful for any advice as I'm sure there's others who have faced similar things. And so to the story...

I told no one about my cross-dressing until I was about 30 - I literally thought I would have to kill myself with shame if I were discovered. I then saw a counsellor about other stuff in my life and eventually it got round to me telling him about cross-dressing. His calm, accepting and completely unshocked response made me feel so good that I went straight home and told my then partner (now wife). Sadly, her response was rather different - she was VERY shocked and told me she couldn't handle it, and she didn't see we had a future if I continued. So I swore to stop, had a purge of the few items I'd bought, and for several years went without cross-dressing seemingly unproblematically. At this time my career (I'm an academic) was taking off, we had our daughter, lots going on in life. But then...you now the story! The urge, the need, the desire came back strong! I bought more clothes, I cross-dressed in private at home, I went to a dressing service (rip off) a couple of times. And then re-discovery! More tears, accusations; never really resolved but net effect was again I purged and stopped.

And now, here I am again. Last few months I've bought clothes, cross-dressed in private, shared pictures online, and just really felt the need to spend some of my time as Amanda. At the same time I've felt guilty about the deception and fearful of discovery. Then I made a mistake with an underwear order - somehow had it sent to home address rather than work or collection point as usual, my wife asked me what the package was and I told her. She was/is very unhappy about it, said it made her feel "lonely", and was particularly upset that I admitted to sometimes masturbating while cross-dressed. I stressed that it was (a) no reflection on my feelings for her and (b) the overtly sexual part was far from being the essential element of the need to cross-dress for me. We are due to have another "talk" about it all in the next few days.

I'm not, of course, asking folk on here to tell me what to do/say. To some extent just writing this down is helpful, but I would appreciate thoughts experiences about how people in long-term relationships with a partner who is not comfortable about their cross-dressing have managed to negotiate space for it in their lives and relationship? A virtual hug or too would also be nice right now 

Love
Amanda

[Ms Grace]

Hey Amanda!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I can't help with your specific question since I didn't have a partner - but here's a virtual hug all the same!!

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Cheers

Grace

[Cindy]

Well another big HUG.

I will say and I'm sure others will is to try and talk to a gender therapist.
I do know the UK system is a bit 'odd' but counsellors can and do help.

My wife knew I was TG before we married so it wasn't an issue. I'm not sure if I was ever a CD as I female identified from my early childhood.

I am now a woman in every aspect of the word but there are no rules. Many people here enjoy and desire cross dressing, it is quite normal, and nothing to be ashamed of at all.

I also understand the perspective of wives of TG and CD people, they feel let down in many cases. You need to try (both of you) to open lines of communication. If you 'just desire to crossdress' (rather than have an affirmed female gender) that may be accomplished on certain nights, or going to CD clubs so that you can talk to other CD women.

Some wives can be OK with that. Some aren't.

Whatever you are most welcome to Susan's it is great to see you and take some time to look around.

Oh I was born and raised in Liverpool in the UK, but I now live in Australia. Where abouts in the UK are you?

Nice to see you here

Cindy

[Jacqueline]

Amanda,

Your description is very like my story. I had same dressing experiences since I was 8 or 9. I didn't think/know I'm a girl. I have had a number of times people have discovered me. I swore off, purged and promised myself to be better. This past January I came to the realization that it is not something that can be stopped. You can't beat it. I ended up going through some angst (long story) that led to a therapist. This all led me to conclude that I don't just cross dress, I am female within. It sounded absurd when I first thought that but I am now coming to grips.

I am 50 and will be married 25 years this September. I love my wife and three daughters very much. I took a while to figure out with the therapist where I was then finally came out to my wife nearly 2 weeks ago. It went so much better than I had worried. It was very important to do it simply, with love and assurance and to be patient and still. Be available to answer questions (sometimes the same ones) and be ready to accept anger.

My experience has much to do with my wife and our relationship. At the same time, I am still not sure how far this journey will take me and therefore us. She is being patient as well and is happy to see I am trying to work through my depressions and anxieties. She may yet reach a breaking point(I am not dressing or living full time). However, for now, with trust, truth and love we will try to proceed together.

I am not trying to give advice. I hear and feel your troubles. I wish you the best. Let me know if I can be of support.

Loving thoughts,

Joanna

[Amanda Gold]

Thanks all for hugs and words of wisdom - very valuable to me right now. In fact, a little tearful at your kindness - it's been a struggle between beating myself up as a bad husband (for cross-dressing) or as a bad trans-person (for not being more open and confident about it). Not helpful!

I'm in West Yorkshire, Cindy, but born and raised in Essex - UK members will know what they say about Essex girls! 

I do think counselling with someone who really understands gender issues could help; I wonder whether seeking to get my wife to engage with couples counselling would be best, or do I need more perspective on my own wants/desires/needs?

Thanks again!
Amanda

[katrinaw]

Hi Amanda

Welcome to Susan's, good to have you join us...

1) I am British born too (SW Londoner), migrated here (Aussie) back in 87
2) I am 9 years on from you

I have known I was different from a very young age, apart from being caught dressing up or doing, well less boy things as a kid, I kept it a secret right till last year, well not quite I went on HRT (in secret) in ~2003... I came out to a close transgender friend late last year, sort of to a male friend, and will to a few others soon. Wife and family in a short while (reasons, again!) Been married for over 40 yrs... hence how hard, got 4 Grandkids, and three adult offspring too.

Anyway I have cross dressed all my life, for me its because I could not come out as transgendered / FT until a later this year. I have also purged and tried hard to conform, which from the outside I always did, but never was a blokey, bloke, more a girly bloke, was always getting called cissy and the rest that goes with that.

If I were to think back to how much money has been burnt up in buying/purging cycles, I'd be deeply annoyed at myself.

May be worth seeing a Counsellor/Therapist just to help you through, I will very shortly too...

Anyway I am unable to help you with coming out yet, as I have been rehearsing that daily, weekly and on and off for a few years now... But good luck when you do.

Anyway Welcome and look forward to seeing you about the forums

L Katy 

[Laura_7]

Hello

You might look up a brochure called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that it has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing.
It explains some of the feelings people have.

You might look for a good counselor... preferably a gender therapist... someone to support you and help you along the way... if they are not supportive you might look for another...

and there might be support groups.


hugs

[Amanda Gold]

Thanks Katy and Laura
If The Talk happens this evening (UK time) I'll let people know how it goes. Feeling anxious, excited, sad, happy, er....mixed up!

Love and hugs
Amanda xx