I really apologize if I triggered anyone
I'm just really frustrated because I have so many obstacles and I don't have good features to start with. And I have to wait so long. I just want to be able to be confident.
Yes I know that transitioning won't solve all my life's problems. But my biggest issue in life holding me back is really low confidence.
and I will not have extremely good or high self esteem until I at the very absolute least look androgynous.
Yes preferably I want to pass as female. But if that isn't possible, but I'm still able to look female-androgynous, life is still worth living for me.
The only way it wouldn't be worth living is if I'll always look excessively masculine and like a manly man for the rest of my life no matter what I do or how much hormones or surgery I get. That would honestly be a fate worse than death but there's very slim to no chance that's going to happen if my body is taking to hormones this well so soon.
Like if I posted a picture of myself before I ever had hormones, all of you would have laughed and thought, "that THING can never look anything like a woman!"
And when I first came out as transgender to my dad when I was eighteen, he wouldn't take me to get on hormones because he thought I looked too masculine for hormones or surgery to do anything. He sat me down and started belittling me and verbally pointing out every single excessively masculine trait I have and pretty much rubning it in my face. He said that I was really deluded if I honestly thought I'd ever be able to look anything like a woman.
But after five weeks of DIY this year, he apologized to me and admitted I already looked more feminine than he thought I ever could, and took me to get my hormones prescribed a few days ago.
So there has been SOME improvement already. Otherwise my father (who was COMPLETELY against me transitioning, he's only started warming up to it now) and my traditional Christian psychiatrist would not have said I look more feminine already.
Like when I went to see my VERY hardcore Christian psychiatrist the other day, she even admitted my features already look more feminine.
Honestly everybody keeps telling me my nose is soooo awful.
But it really isn't THAT bad. It could be way worse than it is. Like my dad's nose is way worse than mine, he has like a big total beak/hook nose with a big bump in it. What my old martial arts teacher would refer to as a beezer, lol. Not that there's anything wrong with that but he isn't transitioning lol. I'm extremely lucky because for the most part I got a lot of my mom's features, facially at least. And I already have a better waist to hip ratio then her.. I'm not sure why, I believe my grandmother on my mother's side was a very beautiful woman, I just have never seen her since I was under a year old because my mother hates her lol. I saw a picture of her a few years ago and she honestly looks a bit like Marilyn Monroe, even though in the picture I saw she had to be like about fifty. And I think she has an hourglass figure. My great grandmother on my mother's side was a voluptuous woman. Also my half sisters on my dad's side are both very beautiful and pretty much have hourglass figures.
So my genetics seem promising.
But I honestly find big noses on girls to be cute, provided their nose doesn't have a huge bump in it. Not that there's anything wrong with anyone who has a nose like that, it's still possible to be cute even if you do have a bump in your nose.
Like Lucy from the show The Big Bang Theory.? She has a nose the size of mine, if not larger, but she's still adorable. And her noise even has more of a bump in it than mine.
And to be honest I think the thing that's really dragging my appearance into the gutter right now is my hair. Like if I had bangs that covered a good amount of my forehead I would look a hundred times better. Like look at the pictures of myself I have put in this thread. Take your hand and cover my forehead, pretending I have bangs. Does that not look drastically better? I never plan on wearing my hair back anyway, I want a pixie style cut.
And right now I am actually eating a lot of fatty things all the time and going to sleep right after that sometimes to gain as much fat as possible so my hormones have more to work with. That's actually how sumo wrestlers gain weight very quickly, they stuff their faces then go right to sleep lol. So my face will get at least a LITTLE wider. And my hips will most likely get much wider, both from redistributed fat and the fact that a lot of people's hips don't totally fuse until they're like 25, so my hips probably aren't completely fused yet. They look drastically wider already than they ever have in my life anyway.
WAIT. I thought you had to completely pay for all plastic surgery in full right before you get it.?
That's awesome to hear. I can get FFS and SRS and get into like $80,000 or more of debt. And if I'm not able to pay it, worst case scenario, I get thrown in a women's prison. Correct me if I'm wrong but if you have had SRS done the prison system is legally required to house you in a women's prison for your own safety.
Honestly being in a women's prison as a woman is a thousand times better to me than to be free and have to live as a man forever. And no I am not just saying that because of Orange Is The New Black lol, I actually have been to jail. Not for any violent or crazy offenses or anything lol, it's just a long story.
Like honestly my features could be so much worse, like some people's faces are much longer and narrower than mine, and their face is like 40% chin. Like I do have a smaller chin at least length wise than a good amount of men.
So I just need to grow my hair out, get electrolysis done in the meantime, and let hormones do their thing and see what happens. I mean, hormones can't possibly make me look any worse, so I should be grateful for that.
