Two Firsts, Twice the Terror

[Valwen]

So in the next few weeks I may end up with two new firsts. The first first is meeting a friend who I have known for years but only on text and e-mail. We met in the days when I first got the internet and was able to explore these feelings I had and when I found her website another transgender teenager struggling with herself and dealing with how to proceed. I took a risk and e-mailed her, and we have been "talking" and supporting each other for more than 15 years. She is the success story, she came out to her mother started HRT around her senior year, starting living as herself shortly after high school and had GRS a few years later, moved from Virginia to San Diego.

Me I have lived pretty much in the same place doing the same terrible job, in massachusetts all this time, I just started HRT 3 months ago and well I did nothing. For a very long time the idea of meeting her seemed mostly impossible but for a few months this summer she is here in Mass. I am so nervous about meeting her, she knows exactly where I stand as far as transitioning goes but still somehow I feel like I have failed and even knowing she will never judge me based on it its sorta nerve wracking, we have never even talked on the phone at first very mutually but the last decade has mostly been me, my voice is one of my biggest hurdles to transitioning. I don't even know why I am mentioning this just needed to tell someone, meeting someone I know so well, someone who has known things about me that I never shared with anyone else until very recently, someone who has been a foundation of emotional support through all the ups and downs but meeting them for the first time in person, I am crying/nervous/terrified/excited.

Ok other less emotional and more plain scary, the second week of june I have off of work for vacation from one of my jobs giving me lots of free time, and so I scheduled my therapy appointment for a day that I will otherwise have off and I am considering leaving the house during the day for the first time to go to therapy presenting female, my therapist is happy about it but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I currently intend to socially transition in December so it make sense to start getting used to this and its a totally safe situation but still I keep thinking about how much I would have to do, I have little to no practice with make up and I will want to fix my eyebrows and my hair needs to be fixed, I could really used it cut in a more clearly feminine style, plus I am still so fat which is all in my neck, stomach and other horrible places (on average loosing 2lb a week), I would also need cloths that accentuate the positive and conceal the negative but I am not sure where to find it. Most of all I have serious issues with my voice, bad enough that even practicing it is very difficult and tends to end 5 minutes later frustrated and crying I cant even tell what I am supposed to be doing much less figure out how to do it.
Mostly its just me finding excuses to not do things, but then I think if I can bring myself to do this now, how can I possibly expect to go full time ever, much less in December.

Sorry for bothering everyone with this.
--Serena

[charlotte15]

It must be hard - especially the "first first". I see the girls who had the chance to transition young as the lucky ones: more learning experience as a teen (when learning about make up, etc) better looks, little or no need for surgery. Even those who are 10 years yonger than me - I see their skin and know mine won't ever look as good.

I read on ->-bleeped-<- the other day a thread about jalousy, and I could totally relate. We each have our own path. Unfortunately, the past is past and can't be changed.

Please meet your friend with an open heart. She is happy to see your. She has had many struggles. She won't judge you, just offer you support and kindness. That is the greatest gift anyone can give.

[Tessa James]

Hey Serena please know your concerns are very understandable and certainly no bother to us.  It is why we are here, to share and support one another.  You write beautifully about your important friend and I can only imagine she will be even more supportive in real time.  No doubt, we cannot help but compare ourselves and our progress with others.  And then you know we have very individual journeys and your success story is ever bit as real and hard won.

I encourage you to be yourself.  Trying too hard is sometimes even more obvious and distracting.  Voice training and exercises tips are all over this place.  I have been coached to do lip trills as a basic daily vocal chord warm up and protection that is recommended for pro singers and others.  But take my advice, I'm not using it   Voice is so individual a part of our expression that I have not modified mine much.  Speaking into our nose rather than our chest is another common tip.

Sure there may be a lot to do but multitasking is a digital world myth and we really do just one thing at a time.  Deadlines die every day without consequence.   The priorities are yours to determine and I urge you to lighten up on yourself and give yourself some positive strokes.

[IdontEven]

Hi Serena

First I'd like to say that you and your friend obviously share an emotional bond. Sure, it's going to be awkward and you're both probably going to be really nervous at first, but I think if you try and open up even a little bit you'll remember that connection and it will be even better than all those times you poured your hearts out to each other over the internet.

Just don't keep yourself totally guarded and closed off and everything will work out beautifully

As for the rest, moving forward is good. But something I have to struggle with is not moving too quickly and overwhelming myself. Then once I've overwhelmed myself and I shut down I start missing self-imposed goals and deadlines, and things just get way darker than they need to be.

So my advice to you is to move as fast or as slow as you're -prepared- to go. You may be nervous as hell and shaking like a leaf, but you know inside if you're ready for that step or not. And to not be ready for that step is perfectly okay.

So maybe you don't go to your first therapy appointment en femme, or you don't go full time in December. It's not the end of the world. Or maybe you manage to do both of those because it IS the right time. Only you can know for sure. This journey is about being yourself and being happy, right? Don't let yourself get put in another box, where you HAVE to do this or that, even if it makes you miserable. Do what's the right thing.

And I hear ya on the voice, I HATE my voice. But it's part of who I am, and if I can never get it above a gravelly Batman voice then oh well, I refuse to hate myself for it. Hate the voice, not the self, or something :p

Anyways, I hope some of this makes sense. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to

[Valwen]

Before I started transitioning things felt fuzzy, but once I started especially after starting hormones I feel more and more sure that I needed to transition, I think most of my nervousness stems from my views of how I look, my weight and voice mostly but I do desperately want to start living as myself soon.

I don't think I am moving to fast I have been moderately comfortable so far it's just the presentation thing that concerns me.

I sometimes freak out a little when I think about how much I still need to learn about hair and makeup. Then  I worry about finding clothing that helps conceal the negative and accentuate the positive. Then I try and remind myself that most women do the same one or two hair and make up styles all the time and that most women dress in a style that Attempts to accentuates there good traits and hides there negative I just have more negatives.

In general I always over think things and freak myself out more, usually when I just go and do something I am good. At least after a bit. I just get concerned about my weight all in the wrong places and my voice I have listened to so many videos and read a dozen out so guides and none of it helps I can't even tell if I am really doing anything different. At this point I am considering just never speaking again :-)

So well I really want to lose at least 40-50 lb, And get my voice moderately reasonable Before transition, I more and more often feel the need to move forward.

Hopefully tomorrow my friend and I will arrange when we will meet.

Sorry for the rambling
--Serena

[Ms Grace]

When we start the transition process some aspects seem immeasurably huge and near unobtainable. Just keep in mind that even those of us who seem well along the road had to start at the beginning and had similar fears, concerns and doubts. Most people get to where they need to through taking one step at a time, slowly chipping away at the "unobtainable" and just being true to themselves. None of it is a contest, no one is a failure. If at first you don't succeed, try again!

[Valwen]

Ok well today was the day I had only one practice make up session and never manage to put my whole outfit together at once. Oddly my chest seems to look better in a sports bra than a regular one it keeps them more together and with the flubber inserts even gets me some cleavage when I cross my arms.

So I wake up, walk on the treadmill. Then I took a shower, lots of shaving later its time to put on the bra, and corset before doing my hair (there was no extra shaveing, I have been doing the full range for 15+ years)(the corset was for fatness control, and now 3 hours later I think its killing me, gotta get rid of it soon.)

After hair care was done, it was back up stairs to the bathroom to do make up, i went light aside from liquid and powder foundation, just some blush to restore color some light light blue eye shadow, and light pink lipstick. I considered mascara but I was already running late. I threw on my top and skirt, a few bits of jewellery, grab the little black hand bag and was off. Before I left the house my mother said I looked good but she is required to say that being my mother and all.

Therapy was normal a bit of talk about my appearance, he claimed he couldn't see the smuggest in my foundation but he is a nice guy and mabye if your more than 2 feet away they where not noticeable. I carefully left myself only barely enough time to get ready before I had to be there so I could not back out and change, but that also means no time to fix make up mistakes.

At the end of the session I had my therapist take a picture using my phone which I hate, its so easy to pick out our own flaws. Then I left and feeling a bit bold, went and got drive thru at taco bell, and after that went well I went to the supermarket picked up some water, and some more make up and hair wigets.

so my voice is still awful and likely always will be and my make up needs serious work and I should loose about a trillion pounds but it was a good two hours and right now except for loosing the death trap of a corset I refuse to change, also my pepsi is more ice than soda. Don't know why I even mentioned that just exicted I suppose.

as a final note the last week of getting cloths and make up half of which is wrong for me reminded me just how much more expensive being a woman is. :-)  Especially when you try your mothers Instyler and decide to buy one from amazon for 99.99. My mother has been great the last few days yesterday night she gave me a bunch of jewellery and a musical box for it and today has just been great. Sadly she rarely wears much make up at all and virtually never wears foundation or blush so she is not too helpful for lessons but she has been so supportive.

I am feeling this weird thing today.....whats it called umm ohh ya excited and even a bit hopeful and happy.

Thanks,
Serena

[RavenL]

Oh Serana,

You are making so much progress! I just want to chime in on the voice. Mine is super super deep but whats helping me is singing along to music. Its rough but I'm starting to tell the difference. Also reading aloud in the highest pitched voice you can manage also helps.

As for the weight and makeup. Well we are all our own worst judge. I just went out in public for the first time tonight and thought for sure I'd be clocked. I spent an hour trying to make every little part of me perfect. But no one even gave me a second glance. Also I've just been practicing doing makeup every night for an hour or so. It really helps if you watch how to video's on Youtube. Don't get discouraged I mean if I can do it you can also! I mean my first attempts make me look like a zombie movie extra. And I'm really really afraid to do eye liner yet. Mascara still freaks me out getting so close to my eye.

Hugs from Raven

[Valwen]

odd thing mascara is not a problem for me but I also am trying for a natural look, I am a geek hanging out at a game store a lot and working there, I also only gave myself 15-20 minutes to do my make up, after one whole practice session the night before so I guess it was ok.

I watched a few videos but so many of them seem focused on really elaborate very girly girl stuff, if it was not for the  facial hair thing I think I would call it good with a little cover up on a few blemishes that I don't like and some very light lipstick, I am trying to avoid the all too common princess phase of transitioning we all seem to go through because I doubt I am going to end up there. Though apparently despite how little I know about make up already know more than my mother and most of the other women I know.

The worst part of the whole day was accepting that tomorrow, my birthday I won't be nearly as dressed up but I think I will still wear the Flubber boobs because the weight feels great.

I would upload the two terrible pictures I had taken but I don't have a image sharing site and have little use for one aside from 2 pictures. I hate those pictures but I promised people I would take them if I didn't think I looked too awful. Its so easy to pick out my own flaws. Ok no more complaining I have found that if I just up and do something I am usually ok its the waiting and thinking and overthinking that tends to defeat me. up side except for when I looked at the pictures not once today did I think of myself as fat, ugly and unloveable.

--Serena,
going from excited and even happy to devestated and depressed so fast it often happens mid thought.

[RavenL]

Serena please don't be sad. You are so much braver then me with makeup. I don't think I'll ever be able to make a passable job in twenty or thirty minutes.

You and me seem alike with knowledge on makeup. And I've been able to avoid trying to overdue myself as well. My sister has already said I know more then she does. As for the Youtube videos yeah they are elaborate, But one piece of advice I used during my life is just soak up knowledge. Those video's might be a little too much, most are for me. But every time I learn one little trick. And also happy birthday I super hope it goes good for you!

Also don't over think things I'm guilty of the same thing. Just try to be yourself and have an air of confidence. Very many hugs from Raven.

[Valwen]

The biggest problem I am feeling now is that despite how bad I must have looked, I feel so much worse now that it's over, it's like taking one sip of water when your dehydrated, you just want more but your not sure when if ever that will be.

But happy thoughts today is my birthday and I hope to find something better to do than my usual plans. For the last 15 or so years my birthday plans involved sleeping till 5 pm, taking a shower and then thinking about how much I hate myself and my life, usually focusing on being a year older and still a failure, then I would generally get upset, depressed, suicidal, and cry.

This year I am hoping for something less awful, any suggestions are welcome. Perhaps something involving this blue shapeless dress, but mabye Serena has made too much of a appearance already this decade. :-(

Going to sleep before she get more depressed,
Serena

[RavenL]

Serena now you're getting me sad. As for birthday suggestions um, have you gone to the movies lately? That usually does the trick for me. Or just go and have a nice meal somewhere. Or since you brought up your nice blue dress why not get something for it. Like a nice belt, scarf or some jewelry?

Just remember Serena it will get better in time. I almost started getting depressed last night as well after taking my makeup off. And started seeing a stupid creature underneath. But what helps me is the advice Ms. Grace gave me using my imagination. So I closed my eyes and told the creature be gone! Opened them and well somehow Raven was still looking back. So really Serena just keep on telling yourself you a pretty. After all you are a beautiful women that shouldn't be sad.

If you ever need to talk about anything Serena feel free to message me. 

[Valwen]

sorry about making you sad, i go from perfectly happy to depressed some days in about 5 seconds. I didnt even leave my house today. I read one word and I cried but it was a good crying. I took a shower and when I came down there was a birthday card from my mother well my whole family but its clear it was from her. I almost lost it when I saw that it was addresed to Serena. It took me a few minutes to calm down enough to read it and I had to stop once to dry my eyes. In short it just read I hope your dreams come through this year and that you find yourself happy with yourself. then she offered that if I need anything just to ask.

so that sorta put me in the best mood ever for a while.and just an hour ago I resubbed my face book account and changed my name and gender. All these things all this support makes me really want to accelerate my plans...it just feels like I am in a holding pattern doing things I would be doing afterwards anyways. Sure my voice is awful but I have heard alot of people say that it wasent till they where full time and useing it constantly that they actually got it. and I tell myself I will loose weight at the same speed regardless of what department I bought my shorts and shirts in.

next thursday I have a doctors appointment and I hope to have a reasonable outfit to wear there, I am not going to rush things too fast but I know that when I over analize why I am doing something I tend to make bad choices, trusting my intuition tends to work better, helps keep my confidence up too which is important.

I also came to the realization a short time ago, that the pictures I had my therapist take yesterday make me feel bad about my appearance but the pictures from late march of me in boy mode make me even more uncomfortable and feel worse about my appearance. so its a choice between ugly and ugly but one makes me feel less awful.

now I just sound like I am trying to justify something but its a thought that wont leave my mind.

Sorry about this post, it was writen whail jumping back and forth talking to people on facebook and may be less coherant than normal.

--Serena

[RavenL]

Aww Serena that's so sweet what your mother did for you. It sounds like she really loves you. And please don't worry about making me sad. It sounds like you had a really good day and made a lot of progress.

And you might be your own worst enemy on the voice. Just out of curiosity have you recorded it to hear what it sounds like? Or maybe record your other voice and then switch to that nice feminine one and see how much progress you have already made. With anything it will get better with practice and time. I've watched a gal's videos on Youtube where her voice was awful sounding but after nine months she had it perfect. 

Hugs from Raven

[Valwen]

No my voice is such a trigger for me just talking about it for more than a minute cause me to start panicking. I have been very much occasionally trying to work on it for more than 15 years with no real progress I don't even think I have the basics down, I know some of what I am suppose to do but can't do it. On the recording front I am afraid to try if it comes out as bad as I expect it to it could literally kill me.

Before bed though I was trying to figure out what the heck I can do about my long curly hair something that helps hide the negative and accentuate the positive.

Serena

[RavenL]

 Oh Serena, I'm sorry if I upset you talking about the voice thing

I don't have any ideas for curly hair sorry.

Hugs Raven

[Valwen]

I need to see a real hair stylist, it probebly needs to be much shorter like take a foot of it.

[Valwen]

and it looks like tomorrow will be the day I finally meet my friend, now if I can just avoid being super nervous things will be good.


Serena

[RavenL]

Serena, that's great that you finally get to meet your friend. Just relax and be yourself I'm sure you'll do great!

[Valwen]

Being myself is a big part of the problem, thats not possible at least not in body, she has been living as herself for around 15 years I am still forced to put on a costume every day. ok its a really bad costume and i am sure people see through it more and more but still.
i will update you on how things go once I know.

Serena