Hi all!
I recently have come to terms with my ->-bleeped-<- (male-to-female), but I don't know "how deep the rabbit hole goes", so to speak. I really would like some advice on whether it might be appropriate for me to transition. Is this the appropriate forum to ask? If not, could you point me to the best place to post?
I don't really want to put my whole profile in paragraph form since it's harder to read that way. Instead, I'd like to give you a kind of bullet-point list of who I am and how I feel about myself:
Current age: 29
First transgender thoughts: I don't think I grappled with ->-bleeped-<- until I was around 10 years old. My sister was a fan of an anime show called Ranma 1/2. If you're not familiar with it, the main character is a martial artist who is cursed to turn into a girl whenever he is doused in cold water and then back into a boy whenever he is exposed to warm water. In retrospect, the anime wasn't especially good, but it opened up my eyes to the idea that half the world's population lives with bodies very different from my own. While I wasn't sexually mature enough to understand and admire female anatomy the way I do today, I was excited by the show's premise and had some very confused feelings that today I would identify as arousal.
Gender euphoria (toward female): It shifts from mild to persistent. Sometimes I really don't mind being a man at all and sometimes I am so deeply envious of women that I almost think I could transition. I used to masturbate occasionally, then frequently, and now exclusively to the idea of myself as a woman. I love the idea of a small, sensitive clitoris tucked between my legs, stroking it to a powerful orgasm that sends waves of pleasure through my abdomen. My most powerful orgasms come from imagining waves of pleasure emanating from a spot around the base of my penis, closer to my body. My penis feels very remote, by contrast, and it's as if some "outer" part of me is what's pleasured.
Gender dysphoria (toward male): Mild to moderate and more consistent than my euphoria. I am "cursed" with a penis that looks great but offers me little satisfaction. My penis is large but I ejaculate fairly quickly (one to five minutes, typically) and my orgasms are disappointingly mild. My penis also tends to shift uncomfortably in my underwear, which I know is common, but it serves as a constant reminder that I have genitals I never asked for. I fantasize about having a vagina that just rests gently up against my panties. I would be aware of it only when I want to be.
I am circumcised and that has caused me a tremendous amount of grief since I discovered that about myself at age 14. For many years, I was ashamed to look at my penis not because I wanted a vagina but simply because I couldn't come to grips with what was done to me. This sent me further into fantasies of myself as a woman; there's a whole gender out there that doesn't know what it's like to have their genitals thoughtlessly torn apart. Women in America are almost exclusively intact and most are blissfully unaware of how psychologically damaging circumcision can be. I was and am profoundly jealous of that fact and I have this notion in my mind that if I "switch teams", then I won't have to worry about the altered state of my genitals any more. I imagine myself in the future: "I was upset I was circumcised, but I have a vagina now. It's not my problem anymore." I am keenly aware of the possibility that my gender dysphoria fueled by my circumcision might be the source of my ->-bleeped-<- and I might not be transgender at all today if I had been left intact. That is one of the biggest issues I'm grappling. I need to know how much my distaste for being a man is internal and how much was imposed on me when I was circumcised. I have attempted to restore my foreskin since I was about 15, though I am not especially diligent and progress is slow.
Friends and family: My friends and family would be almost entirely supportive, as far as I can tell. They are all very liberal and most concerned with my happiness. The most difficult person to come out to would likely be my mother. While watching coverage of Bruce Jenner, she remarked something to the effect of, "He can do whatever he wants to his body, but he really does seem to like the attention." That's pretty tepid support. She also tends to be very doubtful and contrarian and I'm sure she would at some point ask me if I'm really sure I want to be a woman. If I am committed to transitioning, I'm sure I would have her unflinching support.
I am very fortunate to have an outstanding girlfriend who has been extremely supportive since I revealed the scope of my ->-bleeped-<- to her. She is bisexual and I never would have told her my feelings if she weren't. She has revealed some concerns to me, however. She admitted that she prefers me as a male and that she would deeply miss my penis if I transitioned. I am having ongoing discussions with her about what her feelings are and I have told her to be as honest with me as possible and to keep me updated as she explores and develops her feelings. I don't think I would transition if she were not okay with it.
Face: I have a fairly masculine face, although I think there is a lot of potential for a more feminine look. My jaw betrays me. My girlfriend rated my jawline as an "8 out of 10" on the masculinity scale, which disappoints me. On the other hand, I am lucky to not have a cleft or dimpled chin and I think most of my features can be rounded off to a reasonably (but not gorgeously) feminine look. My nose is very masculine, but from the facial feminization surgery pictures I've seen, that's one of the easiest features to fix. Aside from that, my skin is fairly porous and leathery for a woman. I can post a picture if anyone would like to see.
Body: I'm pretty happy with my body's potential. The bad news is that my shoulders are broad (38" bust) and my hips are non-existent. The good news is that I'm very thin (naturally high metabolism), fair-skinned, relatively hairless, and not very muscular. I'm 5'11" tall and I wear size 12 (men's) shoes. I think that as a woman, I would be relatively satisfied with my body and I would pass quite well.
Mannerisms: I have never overtly attempted to act femininely, but I'm somewhat repulsed by a lot of typical "masculine" behavior. Although my friends used to be exclusively male in elementary school, I've always been kind of awkward and never got along with my male friends that well. I don't much like to wrestle or insult or talk about sports or do most other stereotypically masculine things. When I was in high school, I started making more female friends and in college, my friends were exclusively female. I have found women a lot easier to get along with even though I don't especially act like one. I like some "male activities" like chopping wood, but I also subconsciously lapse into female mannerisms, like resting my hand on my hip or standing in a feminine way. Several people have speculated over the years that I am gay, my own mother possibly among them. I am almost entirely attracted to women.
One reason I may have had a hard time understanding my ->-bleeped-<- is that I was raised in a mostly gender-neutral environment. I wasn't exposed to (or forbidden from) toys or games that were strongly associated with boys or girls. Having said that, I naturally gravitated toward boys' shows and games, such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Hot Wheels. My parents never encouraged it, though, and I grew out of that phase by the time I was a teenager.
Cross-dressing: Not until recently. I thought this might indicate that I'm not really transsexual, but then I realized that I never had access to women's clothes until I started dating my current girlfriend. My mother, whom I lived with until college, does not dress very femininely and when she does, her style is matronly and not very good. Her clothes also would not fit me. My mother is kind of asexual or even tomboyish at times, so I just haven't had access to dresses and bras and shoes and makeup. Since I've started cross-dressing, I've been positively giddy about how I look, though I still feel distinctly male because my large penis is tucked uncomfortably between my legs. I think my ->-bleeped-<- manifests itself predominantly through my genitals.
Suicidal thoughts and self-harm: Never. I've grappled with depression for issues unrelated (as far as I know) to ->-bleeped-<- and I've even combated intrusive thoughts of self-harm, but I've never hurt myself or seriously thought of suicide.
Recent developments: Two months ago, my girlfriend remarked that she had a leftover month's supply of birth control pills (she has an IUD now). I stole it for my own purposes. A week later, I had to take a trip across the country and during that trip, I was overwhelmed with admiration and envy toward women all around me. It was perhaps the most I've ever longed to be a woman. When I came home, I began taking my girlfriend's birth control pills as an experiment. (By the way, I checked the HRT board and it said I'm not allowed to discuss dosages, so I won't reveal the brand I used. I am very curious about its effects, however. Can I disclose the brand?) After being on the pills for a week (and noticing little change), I confessed to my girlfriend what I had done and how I was feeling. It was a difficult conversation, largely because she thought I was committed to transitioning and I had to reassure her I wasn't. She still thinks I'm more likely to transition than I think I am, but she remains supportive.
We both read <link removed>, which encouraged readers to start cross-dressing. Since then, I've put on makeup and worn some of my girlfriend's clothes. I think they look and feel great! Unfortunately, my face is still pretty masculine and it shatters the whole illusion. I have to focus very hard on my body and my eyes, which are my most feminine features. I bought a cheap but good wig and tried it on, but it just accentuated my jawline even more and I haven't worn it since then.
The birth control pills had some interesting effects on my mind and body. I found myself grappling with depression for the first time in five years and I verbally lashed out at my family suddenly one day. It was embarrassing. I was very moody. In the final week, I noticed my nipples getting hard and feeling bruised. I thought they were just getting sensitive, but after a week off the pills, I noticed that I was actually lactating! I can claim a feminine experience my girlfriend can't! I can't say I've especially enjoyed lactation, but it is a funny experience. My nipples are a little more sensitive than they were and I think that breast buds are developing slightly, though I still look completely passably male and I expect the breast tissue to diminish back to normal over time. My latest endeavor has been to wax my chest and stomach and shave my legs and armpits. When I tuck my penis between my legs, I can look down and, with the exception of my lack of breasts, see a completely feminine figure. I like what I see, I like when my girlfriend runs her fingers over my now bare chest and legs, but I still lack the feeling of a vagina and breasts, which are such a strong driving force for my ->-bleeped-<-.
I have a lot of apprehension about moving forward, but I just can't seem to get comfortable with myself and my gender identity weighs on me. For a long time, I felt like a ship stuck at harbor, too nervous to go out on the open sea. Now I feel like I'm out at sea but with some nice navigational tools, like a compass. I'm still afraid, but I'm exploring!
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So that's my big spiel! I give myself just a five to ten percent chance of fully transitioning, but that may increase over time. I may be more comfortable spending the last 25 years of my life as a woman than the last 50 years. I am drawn to the idea of transitioning and obtaining the body I would like, but I know a lot of the telltale signs aren't there. I haven't identified as female from age 5, nor do I act especially femininely, nor am I outright repulsed by my penis, nor am I in such mental torment that I've considered suicide. I'm just a guy who has an insatiable infatuation with what life would be like with a vagina (or at least that's what I thought three months ago, before the birth control pills and cross-dressing). I would like to know if I should seriously consider transitioning and what ways I should move forward. I am considering taking birth control or hormones again when I can obtain them. Are there any women who have stories similar to my own who have fully transitioned? How often do they regret it?
Thank you so much for reading my wall of text!
Mod Edit- Sorry but links require prior permission. TOS 1
