SO in a bit of a unique situation and not sure I can support my MtF partner

[TransandSO]

My husband of six years came out to me as transgender this week and I don't know how to feel or what to think.

Brief background: We've been together for 8 years and have a 5-year-old  daughter. Also, for the past year or more my husband has been seriously depressed and anxious to the point that he has been mostly nonfunctional (can't work, can't care for himself, etc) and none of the treatments have worked so far. He has been professionally diagnosed with several mental illnesses, and he has a history of self-diagnosing with various things (multiple personalities, infantalism, and most recently gender dysphoria) in the hopes that treating those things or living in a certain way will allow him to finally be happy and healthy. Another important thing to note is that I am transgender (FtM) and have been on testosterone for a year and on the waiting list for chest surgery.

I don't know if I'm going to stay with him. But I don't know if I'd ever be able to leave him either because I love him, and I just feel kind of trapped. A few days ago he came out to me as transgender and says he wants to transition. And I don't know what to think or how to feel. I came out to him as trans almost 8 years ago before our relationship was as serious and before we were married and parents and built a life together. He knew what he was getting into. I just feel blindsided by this and I don't understand why he couldn't be honest with me. And I know he expects to support him through this but I don't know if I can. Is this all part of the mental illness he's trying to work through? He doesn't seem to have much physical dysphoria so I don't know if I 100% believe that this isn't just another hopeful "Maybe this is the root cause of my mental illness. If I fix this one thing, I'll finally be happy!"

Feeling very lost and very very guilty for being unsupportive but I don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! We know a lot of marriages won't survive this, it's an uphill battle. I wish both of you the best in getting through what may be a very difficult time. Here are some links you may find helpful during your time on the site. See you around!

Hugs, Devlyn

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[Jacqueline]

TransandSo,

Wow, what a difficult spot to be in. I can understand both your questioning and your guilt. I am so sorry, it came to you as if out of no where. I am so sorry.

I have a relative that has a history of mental illness that this feels like, from your description. One always wanted to support him and help him through. However, he would self diagnose and alter medications till he was back in a hospital again.

Being in the unique situation of personally understanding gender dysphoria must be both a blessing and a curse. You mentioned professional diagnosis. Is he currently in therapy? Are you involved as well(couples or able to be heard by the therapist)? Seems like that would be helpful; I just don't know if it is an option. Are you currently in therapy? It strikes me that would help you sift through your feelings, of pain, betrayal, love, support and just being tired of it.

I am sorry that I can not really be of help to you. Except to listen. I am a 50 year old MTF. I have been married to my wife for going on 25 years and we have 3 teenage daughters. I guess I can understand arriving at a realization pretty late. It only really put it together this past Feb or March. I felt terrible coming out to my wife. She has been very supportive but I am sure she has days similar to how you feel. I have been "miserable" to use her word for about 3-4 years. However, I have not been quite to the depths your husband has sunk. I was just depressed, anxious and unpleasant. January was the first time I had been to a therapist.

I hope you find a clarity and wish you a smooth path to follow.

With  warm wishes,

Joanna

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The real problem I see is not knowing what is going on in your husbands head. It almost sounds like schizophrenia but if it were, the professionals would have picked it up by now. Suppressed gender dysphoria can cause many mental issues large and small. For me suppressing myself resulted in me spending 2-3 years clearing out the cobwebs and many people get it far worst that I did. I think the approach I would take is to have him tell his "story". We all have a story that is different from all others but yet has a common thread running trough it that says they are the same as me. You might want to look at some of the post on introductions to see how your story matches some that are already posted. If you can find that common thread in his story, that might explain what the problem has been all this time. If you are comfortable with it, you might remain a little longer and see if treatment improves your husband. A souse transitioning alway presents problem in a marriage and in the end you will have to decide if you want to remain together. If you decide to leave make sure your reason is solid because often I see CIS partners go through several cycles of leaving and returning. The cycling is destructive to the couple and as kids are involved, it would harm them as well.

[TransandSO]

Being in the unique situation of personally understanding gender dysphoria must be both a blessing and a curse. You mentioned professional diagnosis. Is he currently in therapy? Are you involved as well(couples or able to be heard by the therapist)? Seems like that would be helpful; I just don't know if it is an option. Are you currently in therapy?

Thanks Joanna50

He has been in therapy for a year regularly, but it has not been helping. The psychotherapist he has been seeing has made an emergency appointment for both of us to speak with him today, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm not in therapy because it "isn't medically necessary" so it's not covered under our insurance. I do feel that I would benefit from it, but with our current financial situation it isn't a possibility.

Thanks again for your kind words, I'll probably post an update after the appointment.

[Laura_7]

Often trans people, and other people as well, tend to adapt to others, like trying to read unconsciously... and adapting to that...
is it possible they need to feel what comes from within them, and then try to build on it... reacting on what happens on the outside in an appropriate manner, assessing and adapting their reactions... its a process...


You might look for programs... maybe a pair therapy would be available somewhere, at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center...
and concerning yourself, if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...


hugs

[blueconstancy]

I just wanted to express sympathy, and perhaps extra sympathy for the fact that being trans yourself clearly hasn't obviated many of the typical reactions (feelings of betrayal, fear of the future, etc.) and may in fact make things worse inasmuch as you have your own dysphoria and transition plans to deal with on top of this.

These days more than half of relationships do survive a partner transitioning, though I have no idea what the stats are for relationships in which one person *already* had transitioned. Regardless, I'll also say to you what I try to say to everyone who comes here : you clearly love him and will do the best you can to make this work, but if it proves impossible, you're not transphobic or a jerk because you couldn't keep the relationship together.

Good luck.

[Jacqueline]

TransandSO

Interestingly enough, my SO had her first therapy in years. It went alright for her.

I hope yours has gone well.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna