Low-blow from a 'friend'

[Amadeus]

Today on Facebook I was playfully teasing a friend about an article she posted about penis facts or some such rubbish.  She proceeded to respond by referring to me by my old name.  I changed my name legally in March 2014.  She knows this.  She's always known me by the name I have on Facebook.  She only knows my birth name because I let her use my debit card a couple times several years ago to buy us some beer.  She also knows I loathe my old name immensely.

Hence why I don't understand why she would do something so cruel and immature.  She's forty-one and supposedly has some empathy.  Then again, she's also a bit of a bigot.  And a hypocrite.  She used to run an Elton John fansite while at the same time bitching about him being gay.  Her husband couldn't give two tosses about LGBT anything.  He thinks I'm cool just because I'm me.  He and I get along better than she and I do.  Come to think of it, I think she's 'unfollowed' me on FB, otherwise I'd be getting ->-bleeped-<- from her about my transition.

I figured I'd be the adult and responded via a private message in the most mature way possible.  I know she's read it.  She hasn't responded.  I didn't tell her how it made me feel.  I just said that I paid a lot of money and had a lot of panic attacks just to change my name legally.  I have a feeling if I told her how cruel her words were she'd just sputter some anti-gay rubbish at me.  Slap me with a bible.  Tell me that I'm going to hell, that this isn't God's plan, blah blah blah.  In other words, it would fuel her.  [She already made one subtle jab at me for having chest surgery.  I responded with utmost kindness, just to annoy her.]

Part of me wants to tell her to piss off.  But I have a feeling that if I did, her husband would side with her and unfriend me as well.  I really like the guy and want to keep in touch with him.  So I ask myself: do I risk losing his friendship, or do I just keep my mouth shut?

What do you lot think?

[AndrewB]

Hmm, that's a tough one. I would maybe talk to the husband and let him know kind of what's going on, and how you'd really like to keep hanging out with him and being bros, but that you're really having a tough time with his wife and her childish behaviour. Hopefully he'll understand, maybe he'd even have a chat with her about it; I don't know him well enough to be able to say, but it's worth a shot. She's clearly not interested in hearing anything from you, sadly, but at least you tried to be the mature one despite her own behaviour. Also yeah, digging up dirt like your birth name and using it against you? Not cool, but I respect your tolerance. I probably would have just un-friended/blocked her immediately, I have 0 patience for that.

Best of luck, however this all pans out for you!

[sam1234]

It sounds as though your friend has an issue with alternative lifestyles in general. "Being the adult" as you did, is the best way to go. Although you may feel like telling her off, that just brings you down to her level and will only heat up the problem. You aren't going to be able to change her opinion on alternative life styles, so trying is only wasting your time.

If your friend continues her behavior, perhaps it would be best just to let that friendship go. Friends respect each other's feelings and opinions, even if they aren't the same. By calling you by a name she knows you don't like, brings ups painful memories for you and just isn't your name anymore shows a lack of respect and empathy for you.

I'd say just tell her off in your mind, but sometimes that backfires and leads to the inability to let go of the anger you feel about what is nothing less than betrayal. You can't stop her from spewing hateful or hurtful statements, but you don't need to read them either.

sam1234

[Alexthecat]

Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they ever grew up.

[Contravene]

I think the solution would be to quit interacting with her. Since she's been negative with you before, however subtle, you should know what her attitude is towards you being transgender and just stay away. If you keep putting yourself in a position for her to treat you badly it'll seem like you're asking for it. I don't think you have to tell her off and ruin your friendship with her husband though. You can be friends with someone without having to befriend their spouse although if she's as much of a bigot as she seems your friendship with him may fade anyway because of her.

It sounds as though your friend has an issue with alternative lifestyles in general.

Is being trans or gay really a lifestyle though? A lifestyle is something you choose and I sure as hell didn't choose this. Oh well. I guess some people think of it that way but I'm tired of hearing people like my family harass me because of my "lifestyle". I don't roll out of bed in the morning and think "I love the trans community, I'm going to live like I'm transgender today!"

[leacobb]

I have had something similar happen to me, when i was younger i grow up with some people and i seen them not only as my best friends but as family. When i came out and told them i was trans they all apart from one told me it was all in my head and insulted me on a daily  basis  but i didnt say or do anything because of the bond i thought we had... i suffered with serious  depression  and i was in a very bad way. So i turned to my friends for help and they well, turned ther back on me.. i was lost and alone untill i meet the people i have in my life now and im so happy... i guess what im saying is that people who are ment to be in your life will stay and the people who are not will go.. if this guy is the person you think he is he will stand by you just like that one friend of mine did.. there are good people out there. Xxx

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[Kreuzfidel]

Part of me wants to tell her to piss off.  But I have a feeling that if I did, her husband would side with her and unfriend me as well.  I really like the guy and want to keep in touch with him.  So I ask myself: do I risk losing his friendship, or do I just keep my mouth shut?

Is this friendship with him actually worth you putting up with someone disrespecting you and showing zero regard for your feelings?

[Jill F]

Is this friendship with him actually worth you putting up with someone disrespecting you and showing zero regard for your feelings?

^^This^^  It's time to look out for #1.  I recently had to unfriend someone that I've known for 36 years because he's a transphobic bigot and refused to apologize for some horrific remarks he made on FB.  I won't be wasting any of my precious time with him anytime soon.

[Mosaic dude]

Yuck.  I'd say it's always best to be the bigger person.   And never argue with an idiot.   They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.   Seems though that to some extent what you do about this situation may depend on how much you value your friendship with the husband.

[King Malachite]

In my personal opinion, I think you should be ready to end the relationship with her if she refuses to listen, even at the expense of losing her husband as a friend.  As sucky as this might be, it would be better to  do this than having your identity cause a rift in their marriage by picking "sides".  I wouldn't be quick to do that though as you can use her non-response as leverage in future jabs she might take at you.  The next time she decides to say something out of line, as her if she read your message, and then talk about it then.

[Amadeus]

Thanks, everyone.

I know she read my note, as Facebook is kinda cool about showing that little "Seen by SoAndSo at 3.10pm" or whatever.  Never has said anything.  I'm thinking she rolled her eyes at it.  She hasn't replied, said anything on her profile, unfriended me, nothing.  It's as if it never happened.

I do like her husband a lot.  There's a weird history there.  See, about twelve, thirteen years ago she and I...well, we had a virtual affair via AIM.  [There's a throwback for yer.]  My screen name suggested to her and others that I was male, and, well, who was I to argue with them?  I wanted to transition then, but no insurance, no extra money for surgery.  Anyway, she and I got on really well, we cybered, then she finally called it off.  Not long after I told her the truth about me being FAAB.  She lost her ->-bleeped-<- for a while.  We didn't talk for a few weeks.  She said she told her husband everything.  Funny thing is, the dude STILL likes me!  I met the man in person before I met her.  I talk to him more than I do her.  He hasn't said one derogatory thing about me being LGBT.  He's actually a bit of an ally.

I've already talked to him before about her.  He knows he has no dominion over her, which I agree with.  He's advised me before to just let it go.  So I will...for now.

[Vanny]

Is that a friend?


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[FTMax]

I think the solution would be to quit interacting with her. Since she's been negative with you before, however subtle, you should know what her attitude is towards you being transgender and just stay away. If you keep putting yourself in a position for her to treat you badly it'll seem like you're asking for it. I don't think you have to tell her off and ruin your friendship with her husband though. You can be friends with someone without having to befriend their spouse although if she's as much of a bigot as she seems your friendship with him may fade anyway because of her.

Agree with this. Unfollow her and just stop interacting with her, without talking to her about it. No need to add further drama to the situation, some people just choose to ignore every bit of educational information you can throw at them. I don't think it's worth continuing to humor the "friendship".

[sam1234]

Amadeus,
I wonder if you inadvertently touched on a sore spot. The adult thing for her to do would be to tell you what it was that you said that made her either angry or hurt. You obviously didn't do it on purpose, but we all make mistakes at times and touch the wrong part of the psyche. Most people hide what hurts them the most, which makes it impossible for you to know what was said that caused a problem.

IF you are going to confront her at all about it, maybe asking what it was first would be less abrasive than telling her to piss off. If she continues her behavior, further communication probably won't help. When you know someone has a button to push that causes a particularly painful response, in this case using a name you no longer have but that still hurts when its used, you don't do it. The fact that she did is a mark of immaturity.
Sometimes you need to protect your own psyche, and i wouldn't feel bad about breaking off contact if she can't act like an adult

sam1234

[aross1015]

Is this friendship with him actually worth you putting up with someone disrespecting you and showing zero regard for your feelings?

My question too.

[Amadeus]

Firstly, I want to thank you all for your kind words of support and encouragement.  They mean a lot to mean.  *wipes away manly tear*

Secondly, I cut off contact with her and her husband.  She posted some anti-LGBT stuff and remarked that she and her husband believe in "love the sinner, hate the sin".  And that touched a huge nerve with me.  I let her have it before I clicked the 'Unfriend' button.

Yeah, it hurt, because that was a thirteen year friendship.  On the other hand, she obviously had no respect for me.  You don't do that to your mates.

[FTMax]

Good for you man. Take the time to grieve the loss of a friend, but know that you are probably better off without that negativity in your life.

[Maleth]

Yeah, definitely good job. I know how hard it can be to cut ties with friends especially if you've known them for a while. :/ But it's good that you did that because as Max said, you're better off without that negativity.

[Vanny]

I applaud you.   How does being a friend com with that type of judgement.   I thought friends were supposed to support one another.  [emoji848][emoji6]
VERY sorry for this. 

My life experience tells me you will be better off because of each experience and you will be!

It is just so hurtful. 


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[Amadeus]

Two years later...lol

Thanks, Vanny, and everyone else who replied. I had a brief encounter with the former friend back in March. We were polite to each other. Several mutual friends were there, all knew about my transition, so I figured neither she nor her husband would start anything.

Really, I think this has been a blessing because I'm less likely to accept such childish behaviour any more. I've lost a few other friends since cutting this one loose. But I've also gained better friends. So, BOOYA!