So I'm new here and am in a complicated situation that I'm having a hard time with and I just can't talk fully to anyone in my life about it all right now, so I'm hoping maybe I'll find people here to talk to about it.
Basically, I'm biologically male but identify as non-binary leaning towards feminine, but I've not been open with most people in my life about this, and I'm married and have a young daughter.
I used to openly use the term "genderless" to describe myself, but that was way back in high school. I was in the process of gender self-discovery, and never fully settled in to my ideal expression due mostly to fear of judgement. When I met the girl who I eventually married, I started seeing her family a lot and ended up repressing my gender identity even more. Then when I became a dad, I even further repressed it.
But it's getting to me. I feel the need to be open about my identity and for my expression to match it. I feel like I went backwards by burying it within me to fit into the family life I became a part of. I'm not totally closeted, but really nobody except for old high school friends and my wife have any idea how I identify.
I've been incredibly lucky this far in having a supportive wife, she knew a bit about my ideas on gender when we met. But I'm now considering a transition that involves going further into feminine expression than I ever have, and I'm even thinking about HRT. I already know she's not really into the idea of me wearing dresses or skirts, which I'd want to do, let alone all that comes with HRT. I haven't brought that idea up with her yet.
And while her family mostly isn't overly conservative, I doubt they'd take well to my gender identity and the way I want to express it. Normally I'd try to avoid people like that but our daughter is very close to them and I can't imagine letting this affect her relationship with them negatively.
I'm also not even totally comfortable myself with the idea of being an openly transgender parent. I know plenty of people have done it but I feel as though the dad-me and transgender-me are almost two different selves, and I have a hard time reconciling them in my head.
And then there's the issue of transitioning itself. I'm not sure if I should try to go as far as HRT or not. I don't fully identify as female, just on the feminine side of nonbinary, but I don't like the maleness biology has imposed on me. My body hair and facial hair especially, I just don't feel like they're me. They feel like intrusions on my body, almost like a disease. To make matters worse, I've begun to experience a receding hairline(does HRT stop that?), which, though I'm sure many vid men dislike balding, for me it feels like another aspect of maleness imposed on me that isn't me...
Anyway, I could go on and on about my war with my maleness, but long story short I don't feel my body matches who I am on the inside, and what I'd like to be on the outside.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking for help with at this point, I'm struggling with so many issues that are ultimately going to be up to me to solve. But I guess I could just use support and any possible advice anyone can give me.
