Do you feel white lies are acceptable in order to maintain minimal stealth

[Lady_Oracle]

I talk about my past honestly, no reason to lie. Lies get messy and take work to keep up with, which I'm not willing to do. I just leave out the fact that I was assigned male at birth. In my case its easy to talk about my past cause a lot of the things I did and was interested in wasn't gendered one way or the other, everything is pretty neutral. Then again I don't have much of a past to tell so it works out.

[Mariah]

I prefer to be open and honest. Hugs
Mariah

[Katie]

Umm if someone wishes to maintain or to try to maintain a level of privacy then YES YES YES. I will lie all day long if I have to in order to create a history that fits who I am today.


You betya!

[Zumbagirl]

I've had to deal with awkward conversations at work when it came time to talking about periods and childbirth and stuff like that. In the beginning few years post transition I was sort of deflective, not wanting to answer questions. It worked for a long time but alienated me from my female coworkers. These days I have had to concoct a few small lies when it comes to normal female issues. Now I fit in much better socially as a reward if that makes any sense. Nothing I have said is something that is going to make me lose sleep at night and it's generally against my nature of being honest, but I need to survive as well. So yeah for me it works. I didn't invent an entire childhood and portray that as my life, just general female related things. At least now I can say I have a BFF girlfriend who I have known for about 20 years

[Arch]

Also everyone wants to feel that they have some control over their life  decisions they make.

Doesn't "everyone" include trans people who want to maintain their privacy? Or do we automatically cede control over our life decisions to those other people, just because they are cis and we are trans?

i.e. Some one you know is really a thief. They don't steal from you. You do not know about it. Would you want to know them?
They are caught shop lifting in front of you and you are both arrested.

You're seriously saying that a trans person commits theft by simply protecting his or her privacy? I cannot disagree strongly enough. I am not stealing from people when I don't tell them I am trans. I have committed no crime, and these people will not face criminal charges by associating with me.

If you want to condemn the so-called lie of omission, then that's your prerogative. But I don't feel that I'm omitting the truth; I am omitting the lie that I felt forced to live in those days. I have always had a male persona, and I made most of my major life choices because of that persona, even if other people saw me as female. By "omitting" the "lies" of my past, I am presenting other people with a much truer picture of my self than I would otherwise. For me, that's the whole point of transitioning--that female self wasn't me.

Maybe I feel this way because I spent so many years living as a gay boy inside my head--so much that I sometimes forgot what was real and what wasn't. Yes, I sometimes feel weird that one of my closest friends thinks I am cis, but everything I've ever told him about my past has been true, and he actually knows the most authentic version of my core self.

[Zoetrope]

When we keep secrets, the only people who end up burdened are ourselves.
---

When it comes to 'passing' or being gendered correctly or so on - people in general ... really don't care what you do.

Fairly often it is ourselves who care the most.

[herekitten]

Sometimes those little white lies are necessary. I have, for the most part, a typical female background and life history with a atypical aspects which are mentioned only to those very special people in my life (mostly love interests and one or two other times when a life threatening issue occured). Three times when I was much younger, I went ahead with physicals for the companies I worked for. I always told a white lie about my periods and when it occurred last. By the grace of God, the doctor(s) never checked twixt my legs and I was able to keep my panties on. To this day, I keep asking myself what the heck was I thinking doing that? Goodness gracious! I still wonder if they thought they felt my ovaries when palpitating my tummy.

[iKate]

I don't lie about that, not even white ones, because I know it will eventually come back and bite me in the @$$. My usuall approach is just to omit certain details when talking to people who may not realise I am trans. I went to an all boys school but I leave the all boys detail out when I talk about going to school.

I take Grace's approach when I can. We have a new summer intern starting. I haven't told him I'm trans and I hope no one else has. Either way it hasn't come up. Well, I can't speak anyway. But I don't just go telling people unless they are openly trans themselves (and even then, not always).

And when talking with the ladies at work we discuss everything, even stuff I cannot do since I'm trans. I just roll with it. I'm just another "mom" as far as they are concerned.  I don't use the term "dad" when referring to myself and I word my language so it can work for either gender.

I am not full stealth but I am going to not make being trans the focus of every conversation.

[iKate]

When we keep secrets, the only people who end up burdened are ourselves.
---

When it comes to 'passing' or being gendered correctly or so on - people in general ... really don't care what you do.

Fairly often it is ourselves who care the most.

For me it is not so much about "passing" as it is about just not having being trans being the forefront of every conversation. I just want to put that aside and submerge myself in my own true identity. And that's really it. Being gendered correctly is no big deal. Just make sure you dress properly (don't dress gender ambiguous) and present yourself as female. And learn to deal with occasional misgendering with grace. "I'm not sir, thank you" or, "it's Mrs not Mr." It will happen less once I get my voice back though.

I have some relatives that only know me as (Kate) and while they do know my history they don't know the old me. And they treat me completely different from people who do.

[LizMarie]

I try never to lie, especially to people I'll have some sort of friendship with.

It's not a lie to allow someone to believe you're cisgender, any more than it's a lie to allow someone to believe that you haven't had appendicitis, cancer, a broken bone, etc., simply because you haven't given them your whole history.

We don't owe people an accounting of our history. We just don't.

However, I do often mask the gender of people I associated with. Never my "ex-wife". Always my "ex". I didn't go to boy scout camp. I went to scout camp. The person in charge there was the scout leader, not the scoutmaster, etc. I never pronoun my college roommate, etc.

I have no trouble leaving out vital information that people have no god given right to have.

But I try not to lie.

^^ This!

This is how I approach things. I am under no obligation to spill my entire life to people. So I simply leave things out or speak about them in generic ways. People usually have no idea and I give them no reason to have an idea.

For people close to me, it's different. But the general public? No! I don't need to walk around with a sign (of confession) saying "I'm trans. Kick me." on my back.


Leaving out information is not lying.

Robert Heinlein once said there are only two safe ways to lie.

1. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but do it so unconvincingly that nobody believes you.
2. Tell the truth, but only part of the truth. Leave out whatever you feel is not relevant.

Doing this means you never have to remember what stories you told anyone else.

[iKate]

I've had to deal with awkward conversations at work when it came time to talking about periods and childbirth and stuff like that. In the beginning few years post transition I was sort of deflective, not wanting to answer questions. It worked for a long time but alienated me from my female coworkers. These days I have had to concoct a few small lies when it comes to normal female issues. Now I fit in much better socially as a reward if that makes any sense. Nothing I have said is something that is going to make me lose sleep at night and it's generally against my nature of being honest, but I need to survive as well. So yeah for me it works. I didn't invent an entire childhood and portray that as my life, just general female related things. At least now I can say I have a BFF girlfriend who I have known for about 20 years

It helps for me being a parent and suffering with infertility issues. I know a lot about the female reproductive system than most people care to know. I know about pregnancy and childbirth. Heck, I was practically pregnant as I had every last detail with her too and raising 3 kids is just plain tiring. I was in the delivery room too for every step of the way (C-section).

[stephaniec]

a lot of interesting comments. I'm getting to the point for me that people see me as female no matter how I look . I went to the hospital last night and was quite disheveled and the guards and the nurses all referenced  me as female, who am I to disagree.

[janetcgtv]

I don't believe it is wrong to tell white lies if one is in stealth,especially for acquaintances or strangers. But if you want a close friend you do.
I was born in a time where a crossdresser was walking on Chicago Ave by State St in Chicago and was brutally murdered. The murder was NOT investigated.

Back to the person who knows.  For that person is telling you that they want to be with you as trust should always be a part of a friendship. It's like the one about a horse. If you love it, set it free. If it comes back it loves you.

[Jenna Marie]

Like others, I don't think it's lying, even by omission, not to mention that I transitioned, any more than it's a lie not to bring up that I was a teacher once and I'm not anymore. Nobody's entitled to all the details of my past - with my memory, I don't think even *I've* got that.

And I don't usually have to edit my history much in order to obscure gendered details. So my dad took me to football games and wanted me to fix cars; the same was honestly true of my sister. Etc. Oddly enough, the person who's found herself revising on the fly most often is my wife, since she was perceived as straight for many years and didn't realize she was attracted to women until well after we were together.

[Ashey]

I'm mostly just stealth because of my boyfriend's insecurities. He doesn't want anybody to know unless I consult him first. And yeah, I'm getting out of this eff'd up 'relationship' soon... Anyway, normally I'd tell people I'm trans if I'm going to be friends with them at all, but now in the apartment I'm in, I have quite a few regular acquaintances and neighbors I'm friendly with and I've neglected to tell them. I'm sure they'd be fine with it because most have heard me mention my ex-girlfriend before or know I'm bi if I've discussed that, and this is a very gay-friendly place, so not a stretch to believe they'd be fine with me being trans. Instead I just edit my past and be careful about what I say or how much detail I go into. Like, I played softball and was a girl-scout, and was a lesbian. Crap like that. I guess I'm okay with those small lies, but I would prefer being honest. But then again, even if they knew and I start mentioning my past without the lies, it might just continually draw attention to my being trans. I'm a bit conflicted there..

[Cindy]

Well as everyone knows I'm not in stealth. But I don't tell people I'm trans* and no one has asked me. Not sure how that conversation would go BTW

I'm with those who say that lies are going to catch you out, not saying something doesn't. If I'm not asked a question there is no reason to make an answer, if I am, well I'll answer. I have nothing about being born transgender that is in the least shameful for me. As for stealth? Well in many ways you create a burden to be carried.

[Zoetrope]

Society is generally trans-accepting enough now, that people will gender you 'correctly', regardless of whether you 'pass'.

That has been my experience. I have been called a 'she' since the day I went full time, 14 months ago. I plainly did not 'pass' back then.

Now, if we want to be treated as a preferred gender, that is a different matter. That partly comes down to us. If we demonstrate the behaviour of the gender we identify with, people usually have no trouble with that.

But if one is incongruent (ie, whenever I begin acting like 'one of the lads', which happens from time to time) - people will naturally question that identity.

[Cindy]

^^^

So true.

I am a woman. I 'behave' in a societal way as women my age do.

I'm not 'one of the boys' never was.

I am regarded as and treated as a professional woman, is that stealth or acceptance? I don't know, and to be honest, I don't care.

[Zoetrope]

^^^

So true.

I am a woman. I 'behave' in a societal way as women my age do.

I'm not 'one of the boys' never was.

I am regarded as and treated as a professional woman, is that stealth or acceptance? I don't know, and to be honest, I don't care.

It is people seeing your identity :~) And isn't that all we really want?

[Zumbagirl]

I guess ultimately the question that one needs to answer is, who you are protecting yourself against. For example, I came to my current job as a woman, and I have been working there for 8 years now. Nobody knows anything about my transition or past before it and I keep it that way. I did what I did to live an authentic life not to wear the trans logo on my sleeves to my dying day. I figure what business is it of certain coworkers to poke into my life. But I guess I had to balance a social life with a life in complete isolation. Immediately after my transition I suppose I can say I lived one of those lives in isolation. I came to work, did my job, and went home. I never socialized with coworkers. I also alienated myself from nearly all of my family and broke off all contact with the past. But the longer I lived the more I realized that it didn't match who I was. I felt like a really free and liberated person because of my transition. That didn't mean I wanted to shout it at the top of my lungs, it just meant that instead of the shy inwardly focused person from years ago instead I was the social butterfly I always wanted to be. The more social I became the more I realized that covering my past could be seen as making me a "difficult to know" or "difficult to be friends with" type of person.  We all know the type, distant, impersonal, lonely looking. That just wasn't me anymore.

What I found is that the more integrated into my sex I became the more I had to deal with everyday women life and conversations like childhood, long time female friends, etc.  Women's world is much more complicated socially than where I came from and women don't keep secrets they pass them along from woman to woman So I wanted to adapt and fit in. If it meant I had to omit facts as was said in another post or perhaps cover up a few details about my life then so be it.

I just kept my focus on the fact that I did my transition to live an authentic woman life in a womans world in a womans body and I'm happy for that. Living with the "trans" thing was not anything I had considered or even remotely entertained. If I tell one person about my past then I just don't know who is connected to who. I tell a close friend I feel I can trust. She tells her friend who I didn't know is also friends with someone close at work and next it's all over work and one is stuck with the negative connotation that comes with the word "trans". Maybe for some people it's okay and they're happy with that but for me it isn't. So I have to omit here and fabricate there, then that's just fine by me. The only other alternative is a very quiet and yet lonely life.