Help, please

[ajames.shirley]

So, I am in a tough spot with my mother. Ever since I came out as transgender (ftm) 4 years she has refused to call me male pronouns, call me my chosen name, and let me where anything masculine. I am now 17, going to college and living on my own. I miss my family but since my mom has also been blaming me for my "lies" (presenting as male is seen as a lie to her) destroying everything I touch and constantly is verbally abusive. This has caused me a great deal of social anxiety, depression, dissociation, and my emotions just kinda... turn off? Whenever something causes too much negative emotion. I told her that I miss her and either she could accept me as her son and work with me, or stop all communication other than what's necessary with her as my legal guardian. She chose the later, and said it was because it's bull->-bleeped-<- that my mental health problems had anything to do with her, and that her spiritual health (she's a "Christian") wasn't going to suffer over my made up disabilities and lies. My question is, does anybody know where I could find research correlating parents negative reaction to mental health problems in transgender kids?

~Mostly Male

[RaptorChops]

Could always tell her Christianity is based off of lies and that she's a horrible Christian.. *shrug* then she'd know how you felt, throw it back in her face.

Don't listen to me , I haven't slept

[doctorinkwell]

I am really sorry to hear this. I really am, and my heart goes out to you. It's always really unfortunate when this happens. It's unfortunate, however it is sometimes inevitable. The sad thing is that people's minds can be very stubborn at times, and there often might not be much we can do.

My thought is to try to educate them: try sending them online resources explaining what transgender is. I know this may not work, but there may be a chance if you haven't tried all ready. Since you came out 4 years ago to her, I'm guessing you might have.

Unfortunately, society today is still at a point where transgender people can experience a lot of violence and rejection, so we sometimes have to slip around these tough situations. Since you're in college and living on your own, have you gone to any support groups? That may help deal with some of the negative emotions swimming around, and they may have some better advice than what I am saying. You may meet many other people who have had the same experience as you (and you may meet some people here, on this site, too).

I feel that not having other people accept you should not be a reflection of who you are. You are no less of a better person if someone does not accept you. Some people have a really hard time understanding what transgender is and its reality, however the burden of them accepting you should not be carried on your shoulders. Allowing yourself to become the more genuine image of yourself should not be weighed down by those who do not understand. Instead, I feel it is more important to find and cherish the connections with others who do.

I understand how important it feels for your mother to accept you. However, I feel it is more important to unburden yourself from trying to change her. There is only so much that we can do to try to change someone. Instead, I hope you can try to find others that love and support you and build a life in which you can be happy. That is the key. Aim for happiness. Trust me - it is possible.

I hope something here helps in some sort of way. What you're going through is really hard, and sometimes there is no right answer; there are only different answers. Just try to find the right answer for you - the answer that makes you happy.

Lots of love
- Sam

[Dena]

I am not sure will be able to make much progress with with you mother but I have to admire you for being strong enough and willing to take her on. I am not sure the study you desire exist but it's possible somebody may be able to come up with it. In my life I would have taken a different approach and educate her that transsexualism is nothing more than a birth defect for which there is only one treatment. It has noting to do with god or at least no more than a visibly deformed child would. Neither you or her did anything wrong and the only solution is to move forward. A link that would help you with this argument is here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism. What ever approach you attempt, I wish you the best of luck.

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

Many people now say being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth.
So its nobodys fault, neither the transgender persons nor their parents upbringing or whatever.

here is a link to a resource:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077
Some people say they will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour...

This is a resource with a very emotional description of an accepting parent, talking about restraints some people might have:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190486.msg1697083.html#msg1697083

at college there might be a therapist, who could help you along...
best way imo would be to look for a good gender therapist to help you...
and at college there might be a lgbt club with other transgender people...
who you might talk with...
here are a few further thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077


Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
you might show some resources, like the NHS brochure, and parts of the unicorn dads website...
the british NHS is a reputable source...
its sometimes cis people cannot relate, and think things are imagined.
But it isn't, there is proof that parts of the brain can develop along a different pathway from the body, leading to a mismatch in identity.
This is nobodys fault, and there are many birth conditions that simply happen. It has nothing to do with religion, but should be dealt with love and an attitude of helping one another.

Some people write a letter, summing up a few facts, and with some of their emotions and examples of what they experienced...
without being reproachful, just telling so that cis people can relate a bit...
there are some examples in the brochure and on the unicorn dads website...


hugs

[KristinaM]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  I recently told my parents and they are having a similar reaction.  I have written off my father b/c he's actually more Christian-crazy than your mom.  I'm not trying to be derogatory toward your mom b/c that's not my place, but that's what I gleaned from your writing.

You might be able to educate her.  I cannot educate my father.  Probably the best way to show them the truth is to be successful in your new way of life.  They will see the truth through your example.  That takes a lot of time though.

[ajames.shirley]

I'm hoping she'll begin to see. She admits that ->-bleeped-<- is a real thing that is medical and psychological and not made up, but she says that me presenting as male is lying to myself and others but she will not lie???

~Mostly Male

[Dena]

I'm hoping she'll begin to see. She admits that ->-bleeped-<- is a real thing that is medical and psychological and not made up, but she says that me presenting as male is lying to myself and others but she will not lie???

~Mostly Male

It takes a long time to change that mindset. While my mother didn't fight me, it took years for me to wear her down to the point that she sees me as a woman. I lived for a while as a woman before she stopped referring to me by my male name. When she did that it made it much less awkward appearing in public with her.
In talking to her latter she admitted to me that it was only my determination to be a woman that changed her mind.

[Laura_7]

I'm hoping she'll begin to see. She admits that ->-bleeped-<- is a real thing that is medical and psychological and not made up, but she says that me presenting as male is lying to myself and others but she will not lie???

~Mostly Male

Well you might tell her that this is simply a wrong perception.
There are people born with a mismatch of brain identity and body.
Its nobodys fault, neither that of their upbringing or whatever.
It is said that up to one in four hundred people have this condition, according to some statistics.
Transgender people have always been around, in all cultures. There are even very old records.
And transgender people are now much more in the media, with a much better picture.

The perception of an outer body is not what is decisive. It is their sense of self.
The outer body can be changed, be it with clothing and others, to match the inward feeling.

This is another resource that might help:
hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Some_Considerations_in_Coming_Out_Trans_to_Your_Parents_and_Family.pdf


*hugs*

[sparrow]

There's a very damning chart on slide 26 of http://www.drmeladypreece.com/powerpoint-slides1.html -- transgender youth are more than ten times more likely to commit suicide without the support of their families; almost ten times as likely to have good mental health with the support of their families.  This slide was informed by a peer-reviewed survey of 433 transgendered people, a survey which is taken seriously among psychologists.

In short, "Yes.  Your mom is harmful to your mental health."  Conversion therapy and denial didn't work 50 years ago, and they won't work today.  I'd throw Luke 7:36-50 in her face.  By treating you the way that she is, she's damning herself.  Was Jesus damned to hell for loving a prostitute and treating her with respect?  Whether or not your mom sees your existence as "sin," she should feel no fear of judgement for accepting  you for who you are.  But science shows that she's literally doing you harm, and figuratively throwing a stone.

And there's always Romans 13:8-10  "...Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."  In failing to show you love, she is failing as a Christian.

Note: I'm not Christian.  I just fake it on the internet, and find bible quotes with google.

[EllieM]

The lie here is not that you present as your true gender, but rather, the denial of your true gender. While on the one hand, if your mother is willing to acknowledge the science (and the truth) of this, but feels compelled by her religion to deny you your authenticity, perhaps pointing out to her, in her frame of reference, that G-d made you this way for a reason, and being a compassionate god, that reason was not to make an innocent suffer.

There are some excellent references in this thread, arm yourself with that knowledge, be gentle but firm. I know things will get better for you.

[ajames.shirley]

Good news. My mom agreed to call me my chosen name and gender neutral pronouns. I told her I was tired of what she was doing making me feel suicidal everyday and that I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to tell myself it's not worth it. She says she doesn't think doing this will help my mental health but she is gonna try cause she's sick of being blamed for my mental ->-bleeped-<-

~Mostly Male

[ajames.shirley]

It's progress... a lot of progress. Never thought I'd see the day

~Mostly Male

[Dena]

I don't know if you have ever seen the movie Sawshank Redemption but often getting treatment and being accepted is like that. You just have to keep chipping away at it until you reach your goal. You worked at it and made some progress. Congratulations.