Basically my gender dysphoria is taking over my life and I want it resolved ASAP. So basically, here's my story; I never thought about gender or had a problem with it. I'm a 20 year old biological male fyi. Also have aspergers. But since I was 17, (mid 2011) something started to feel weird with me. It's a little hard to describe but I felt as though something were missing. My reality felt less real and i felt somewhat detatched. Ill also add that this was after I discovered i was gay in November 2010 which really freaked me out and tried to push away as much as possible before I simply stopped fighting it but still didn't quite embrace it. Despite my inner conflicts, I can say that the discovery opened a whole new world for me and I felt rejuvenated and was inspired to write and create again. I felt amazing oddly enough through that following spring. It's a period in time I still long to recreate. But anyway, since fall 2011, I also felt crazy inhibited and had OCD type feelings. Like being worried I would lose control and embarrass myself. It wasn't until June 2012 when I first thought about being female and transitioning which really scared me. Later that year, I got weird urges to come out to my mother from my conscience which caused me to drift as far away from myself as possible and try become this hyper masculine jointly person. In the end, I consider this to be a big mistake in my life. (Today I dress and act much more in a way that's more my own style). Later I went to college and lived in a triple and for a person with aspergers this was very overwhelming. I ended up changing rooms because of a dispute with my roommates (whom I hated living with anyway). That year overall wasn't a good experience. In July 2014, after visiting an arts program that I had been connected to for a long time, I reconnected with all these eccentric arty people and realized that I had been wasting my time trying to conform. From that day on, I expressed my crazy weird aspie side and I could definitely feel the quality of my life improve somewhat. The weird feeling from fall 2011 still lingered though. The following September, I went back to school. Although this semester was an improvement over the last 2, I still felt kinda stressed and homesick. Idk, social situations with people my age are just too overwhelming and intimidating. One day, I had a thought that the reason i was inhibited was that I was a transgender woman. That started a pretty much never-ending cycle of worries and over thinking. I read stories online of physical dysphoria and that had me being concerned if I would form it which later started to manifest into strong dysphoric feelings there still gives me a great deal of discomfort to the point where I feel like ending my own life. I would never do it though and I still have my self preservation. I later saw doctors who told me that I was simply over thinking and obsessing. I've tried wearing eyeliner and mascara. I really like the way I look but overall it doesn't do much for me. I also take prozac which doesn't help much. Point is, I just want this gone and I want to go back to being my confident calm self and not deal with this. When my dysphoria is at its low I feel like I'm genderqueer. Or multiple genders.
But now, i always feel a degree of discomfort or anxiety and I could really use some advice and some (respectful) opinions.
