The good with the bad....

[ChevyRoads]

I'm going to try and keep this focused and what not, so here goes.

After 4 1/2 years of trying, I started testosterone on June 18. So far, I've noticed that I sweat more, and I smell differently.. and there might be some growth and hair changes. However, I still have a dilemma....

My name.

I have gone by both David and Landon, and am currently using a gender-neutral name that isn't my birth name. Thing is, I can't decide on my name.... for years, I didn't think I would be able to transition, so I never put much thought into it. Now that things are happening, I need to figure it out. My first name will be William, after my father, grandfather, etc., but I will go by my middle name.. if I could just pick one. I am big on name meanings, and am really picky. I know there are some ames I will not use, which are Robert and Justin.

Now for the crappy stuff...

I can no longer use public restrooms, and my bottom dysphoria has never been this extreme. I can't afford a decent binder, yet alone an STP. I hate peeing, and a homemade STP I tried to use almost got me beat up in a bathroom. I was trying to avoid showers, but now that I sweat more, I can't do that.. I want to physically attack my reflection, and I feel like I'm just playing dress up when I'm reminded of my anatomy...

I guess I just need some help here... Name suggestions, ways of fighting the dysphoria.. Hell, I can't even afford clothing right now, and the clothing I have is super limited. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.
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[Metanoia]

What are you looking for in a name? I like the symbolism as you do, and I like that you're honoring your lineage by your first name...

I'm planning on going with the female form of my name, to show that I'm still the same person, just the female version... And honoring the name that was given to me.

If no such options exists in your case, find one that has a meaning that fits your personality...

Or one that speaks MAN in the name... That can't be misunderstood as a woman's name... Like Andrew (or some form of it...) Or the ones you mentioned, or there are others. Find a name that fits you. There's something slightly unique about our Trans* existence that we get to pick our own name

[RomeoEcho]

I've had a lot of success with a homemade medicine spoon stp. It takes a little bit of willingness to get down with your anatomy to begin with, because you have to find exactly where your urethra is, and it wasn't quite where I thought it was. But now, I just stick it there and go and is one of the most gender affirming things I do. Peeing standing up helps with a lot of my general dysphoria.

In the US you can usually ask for a spoon at the pharmacy, they use them for dosing medicine to little kids. If you can't get one free they're only a couple dollars. You take a sharp knife and cut off the bottom end, at an angle. If you use stalls, it'll keep you out of trouble, becasue no one actually sees you pee, but your feet point the right way and they can even open the door behind you and don't see anything wrong. But make sure you practice a lot at home before you try it out in public.