Limbo... Which way can you go?

[lanah101]

So I have been in a abusive relationship for 9 years.  I have been kicked out of my house and am pursuing a divorce.  Part of me wanted to stay in the relationship to prevent "Her" coming out for good. It is partially because of my military career and for my children's sake that I stood in it for so long.  Now I am out of that environment and starting a new journey down the painful road of divorce.  I went out shopping for girl clothes and breast forms to live as my true self inside the home I am at now. I still don't know how to tread these waters as I have to be careful which way to go for the sake of my children.  Now I do know that my children love me deeply and it wouldn't mater to them if I was a man or a woman. They look to me for emotional support as I am more reliable than their mother.  She has Borderline Personality Disorder.  My other fear is that I must wait it out for the courts to decided who is fit since being transgender may be an automatic you're a freak show and you get the picture. The DOD is working to allow trans people serve openly, but I do not think it will be compatible for my unit.  Just a lot of things going on and would like any thoughts.  As of now everyone thinks of me as an excellent father and have great respect for me. Am I to tip toe down a path of true happiness at a price of loosing what is precious to me, or keep going on. Feels like limbo.

[sparrow]

That sounds rough, lanah.  Many of us delay transition for one reason or another, and it sounds like putting it off for the duration of a custody dispute is in your kids' best interest.  In the meantime, do you have a therapist?  Depending on where you live, you may need to establish a record of gender dysphoria, so you can start that process now to avoid future delay.

Keep posting here!  We're here for you.

[lanah101]

Thanks, I was talking with a gender therapist off base.  I am like a roller coaster, at times I feel the dysphoria at the height. Usually when I am not busy.  And at other times I feel as if it is totally gone without a trace.  It feels like my gender dysphoria is bi-polar.  I talked with a therapist about this and she thinks it is me subconsciously suppressing the dysphoria and allowing it out. Anyone else go through this?

[sparrow]

Yeah, my therapist calls this "internal transphobia."  I went through several periods of deep denial, where I thought "that episode" of my life was over.  Those periods were linked to external stressors -- relationship conflict, etc.  My psyche is used to bottling these feelings, so they're the first to go when other problems arise.  So, I can work myself to the bone or do drugs to hide from the dysphoria... but it comes back whenever I get a moment to think about me. That ain't healthy.