So I have been in a abusive relationship for 9 years.  I have been kicked out of my house and am pursuing a divorce.  Part of me wanted to stay in the relationship to prevent "Her" coming out for good. It is partially because of my military career and for my children's sake that I stood in it for so long.  Now I am out of that environment and starting a new journey down the painful road of divorce.  I went out shopping for girl clothes and breast forms to live as my true self inside the home I am at now. I still don't know how to tread these waters as I have to be careful which way to go for the sake of my children.  Now I do know that my children love me deeply and it wouldn't mater to them if I was a man or a woman. They look to me for emotional support as I am more reliable than their mother.  She has Borderline Personality Disorder.  My other fear is that I must wait it out for the courts to decided who is fit since being transgender may be an automatic you're a freak show and you get the picture. The DOD is working to allow trans people serve openly, but I do not think it will be compatible for my unit.  Just a lot of things going on and would like any thoughts.  As of now everyone thinks of me as an excellent father and have great respect for me. Am I to tip toe down a path of true happiness at a price of loosing what is precious to me, or keep going on. Feels like limbo.

That sounds rough, lanah.  Many of us delay transition for one reason or another, and it sounds like putting it off for the duration of a custody dispute is in your kids' best interest.  In the meantime, do you have a therapist?  Depending on where you live, you may need to establish a record of gender dysphoria, so you can start that process now to avoid future delay.

Keep posting here!  We're here for you.

Thanks, I was talking with a gender therapist off base.  I am like a roller coaster, at times I feel the dysphoria at the height. Usually when I am not busy.  And at other times I feel as if it is totally gone without a trace.  It feels like my gender dysphoria is bi-polar.  I talked with a therapist about this and she thinks it is me subconsciously suppressing the dysphoria and allowing it out. Anyone else go through this?

Yeah, my therapist calls this "internal transphobia."  I went through several periods of deep denial, where I thought "that episode" of my life was over.  Those periods were linked to external stressors -- relationship conflict, etc.  My psyche is used to bottling these feelings, so they're the first to go when other problems arise.  So, I can work myself to the bone or do drugs to hide from the dysphoria... but it comes back whenever I get a moment to think about me. That ain't healthy.